An Intense Dark Side
by RideTheGlitterDick
Summary: Bella is the tortured dark soul and a new addition to the Cullen clan. Edward wants through the walls she puts up to hide the pain, but Bella doesn't know how to trust someone or love. *Dark and painful* OOC. Not for the care-hearted.
1. Prologue

**Now, it is only like ten-thirty and as I watch Two and A Half Men (love it!) I had this idea. An interesting idea. I hope you all like it. Its sudden, and I just couldn't help but to write and post.**

_I know you don't care  
You don't care about me  
I'm just something in the way  
Something you don't wish to see.  
You only speak to me under sufferance  
You'd far rather pack me off somewhere else  
You don't want to have anything to do with me  
You make me feel like that myself._

Life is never easy, it is never beautiful, but certainly colourful. I have learned that all the hard way. I like to think of it as tough-love, though.

I've been to twelve foster homes in seven years and lost both my parents when I was nine. They killed themselves in overdose with alcohol, leaving me by myself so young. I hated them for it, I hated my deceased parents for leaving me with nothing and to figure life out by myself. And by age seventeen I think I have it down-packed.

You can never rely on anyone. You can never let your guard down for anyone or anything. Love is a myth made by some insane and helplessly bored man. You need to learn to fend for yourself at a young age.

They were not things I enjoyed but things I had to withstand. I moved family to family, new siblings to new siblings, house to house. It wasn't a choice to act like I loved where I lived, where my life rested, put on a fake smile and lie through my teeth. I had to do that. My life was based on lie after lie, and I continued that chain. Lying to the therapists every family seemed to know to put me through. Like I was crazy. Like I had issues and needed a lot of help. And for the record, I should say that is incorrect.

With the abandonment of my parents I never learned the aspects of life, the dos and don'ts, the ups and downs. I had to learn that by picking it up from the families I lived with and my daily new siblings, channel it into me. My parents left me abandoned and unprepared in this real, harsh world, and left me to live, myself. And wish the whole time that Mom and Dad hadn't downed all these drugs with alcohol and fallen asleep. And just never woke up. Instantly leaving me in the care of no one and not even telling me what was happening. It took three years before my Aunt Jenna actually told me what had happened to them. That was the first time I decided I hated them.

When I realized it was purpose they left me here without a plan I immediately neglected their dead souls.

I hate my parents! I hate them!

The feeling of love was like nothing – because it was nothing. Love is just a word someone uses to experience a high level of pleasure from another person; like manipulation. If love really, truthfully existed in this world then why would my parents leave me? They didn't even know what I was being put through.

Every family I moved to already had more kids, young and old, and always knew...always _did_ put me through therapy. _How does that make you feel?_ has got to be my least favourite sentence in the entire world. I'd heard it way too many times, but never actually replied to it. None of the families ever wanted me, they never wanted me to be there. They scolded me because of my dark depression, they gawked at my dull, toneless words. They yelled at the dumbest movements I did. It wasn't a life I wanted, the life I should have. But I couldn't control the life my parents forced me to have when they killed themselves to get away from me.

So then I was surprised that after being returned to the foster home to wait and be moved again, I was placed in adoption. Who would want to adopt a teenage girl who would need to be enrolled in college soon, meaning money needed?

Again I was surprised when I was told that I would be adopted.

_Someone actually wanted me?_ that was my first thought, followed closely by _How long would I have until they decided to discard me too? _

I was told to collect me things before I was off to Forks, Washington. 

**A short beginning, yes, but a good one? You tell me. It matters that you all like it, but then it doesn't. So long as I love, I'll be happy – now that does not mean I don't want all your opinions...They matter so much to me! Review. (Kind of rambled there for a second.)**

**-Mickey 3**


	2. Forks

**I hope you guys like this one. So far its not too dark, but it gets darker, no worries! Enjoy. **_

* * *

_

_She sits at the window  
and takes in the sights.  
She unknowingly stares  
at the beautiful lights.  
_

_She would stay here forever; if only she could_

_ She would never leave the window  
but she knows that she should.  
She's never felt the daylight  
upon her feeble skin.  
__ She's never written  
or spoken words from within.  
She's never felt affection  
from the people that made her._

_ She always looks out the window  
because to her, it's a cure._

_ She's got bruises and gashes  
upon her tiresome face.  
She will pass away,  
someday without a trace._

I didn't like this setup one bit – I mean, I'm flying to Washington from Florida. Why would I go that whole distance just to live with someone? Then another painful question hit me. Was that the only family in the entire world that wanted me? The adoption center shared little information with me (it made me wonder if I was being sent to an actual family or a serial killer – who knew?), only that the couple named Carlisle and Esme Cullen had three children around my age. It sucked, needless to say. But, really. How long could I stay before I had to fly all the way back to Florida and wait for someone else to actually want me? Or would I forever be alone in my isolation?

Now why was the last one feeling so right and normal? By any means it was not right, though, and I shouldn't have been thinking that in the first place. I needed whole, positive thoughts because this could be The Family for me. After all these years, someone who may actually care about me and want to step in as my parents.

"You can do this, Bella, you can do this," I muttered under my breath, fidgeting with my hands. It wasn't that I was unmanageable or a complete depress, but I like to do things my way and be as quiet and isolated as possible. I was raised to melt into the backgrounds of families and pretend to not exist; I was good at it. There was nothing more than the need to do the same for this family: just step into their shadows and bottle my depression up, be quiet and unresponsive. The families I lived with previously had shown me that perfectly, distilled it into me. Particularly one family...I shuddered. I didn't want to think of that hell house (because it was just that bad).

I dressed in my comfort clothes for the long trip: black converse, worn jeans and a dark hoodie pulled over my head. Concealing what I didn't want to world to see, which was perfect because of the crowded airport in Port Angeles, Washington. I felt like everyone was looking at me though I knew no one was. Despite the amount of children my age they had, I'd seen a picture and they looked young, very young. That's how I noticed them, a family of five, standing by the luggage collection belt.

I didn't know what they were thinking about. Did they actually want me? Do they really want to add me to their family like I belong in a world like this? I exhaled and gathered a deep, settling breath.

Yes, of course they want me. Why would they help pay for my flight all the way across the US if they didn't? I just really prayed this family would not be like the last. I shivered to think of it, but I gathered myself before I could show just how scared I was. Those were secrets no one would know, a whole other world that would be kept secret and forgotten.

I fidgeted inside the pocket of my hoodie, watching my feet with my heart beating through my ribs. Would they like me? Well, there was only one way to find out.

"Isabella?" a tall, handsome man said with a kind and soft smile. I instantly felt warmed and comfortable, until I actually looked at the rest of his family. They were all gorgeous and that made me very jealous. There were two boys beside him, both very stunning, as were the two females beside them. This was the family I got to live with.

My hand retracted around the strap of my carryon bag. "Hi," I croaked breathlessly. Suddenly, I wasn't so comfortable.

The smile on the man's face grew. "This, Isabella, is my wife, Esme, my daughter, Alice, and my sons, Emmett and Edward." I hesitantly nodded at them each, still too weary and shy to do much else, or even make a decent analysis. "We are so glad to have you with us, Isabella." I was stunned by the sincerity in his voice, so amazed someone could be actually happen to have me intrude on their family.

It was difficult to force my voice out. "Its so nice to meet you all." And I failed. It came out as a squeak, clearly showing how uneasy I was.

I grew up without love in my life by any means, and having a family that flew me across the US to be a part of their family was astonishing. I didn't expect them to love me, but I didn't even know what to expect. Then, who I guessed to be Esme, stepped forward during the awkward silence and embraced me. I didn't move. My body was a block of ice pressed against her small frame. I didn't know what to do, what to say, I was shocked. Don't you hug people you love? We didn't know each other. Then she whispered in my ear, "I'm so glad you came, Isabella. I've always to adopt and help someone." If only you knew how much you are helping,I thought.

"Thank you." I mouthed the words with a slight breath of them. I was sensitive to these kinds of things, these love things.

Esme shook her head as she leaned back, and I noticed she had tears in her eyes. I just stared and decided not to ask.

It was like my new family knew I didn't like hugs because no one else approached me for on. Instead we headed to collect my bags. _How long until I will be back here to go back to Florida? _I ignored the repeating question, even though I knew it would be one year tops. No one could want me or accept me. As Carlisle gently put his hand on the small of my my back to lead me to the luggage collection I flinched, and he dropped the hand with a kind smile. I returned it with grimace. As I was about to reach the belt someone grabbed my hand.

"Hi!" Carlisle's daughter squealed, gritting her teeth together to keep from smiling huge and probably screaming. Her arms flung around in the air with what could only be described as ecstatic – no, that would be an understatement.

"Hi," I breathed unsurely. Um, was it normal for someone to be this excited?

"I'm Alice." Her voice literally squeaked as she tried to contain what had to be a loud squeal. Then, surprisingly, she wrapped her arms around my waist and hugged me tightly. But I wasn't froze in shock and uneasiness; it was amusement. I hadn't felt this amused in a very long time. "And your Isabella and your going to be my sister!" The hug just got awkward as she bounced while holding me. I glanced over her head to see the rest of her family had stopped and were staring at us. They all looked...happy, pleased to this scene. I didn't get it. Did something happen I didn't know about? That would explain why they wanted me. But I didn't drown on that, instead I caught the eye of one of my new brothers. Oh, what were their names...?

His eyes, which I hadn't noticed before, were the most brilliant shade of green, like polished emeralds. Gorgeous tousled locks of bronzed auburn hair hung around his stunningly beautiful face. I wasn't really one for "checking" guys out, but I just had to. And I was glad I did. His body was just as stunning as the rest of him. Toned, muscled, tall. And this is my new brother? No complaining here. I could look into those eyes for entirety.

But he didn't look away either. Alice was battering, but I didn't hear it at all. My eyes, my attention were focused on my new brother. What was his name? Was it Emmett? Oh, what was the other? I shook it off, because really it didn't matter at the moment. It felt like it was only the two of us in the room – no Alice clinging to me or a brother, mother and father staring at Alice and I. Only him and me, and the everlasting eye contact.

Those glorious eyes seemed to bore into, and moments passed before I realized what we were doing. I blushed and looked down self-consciously at the top of Alice's head. Suddenly, Carlisle was beside us smiling gently as he pried Alice's arms from around my waist.

"I'm so sorry, Isabella," he apologized as he struggled to get Alice's arms to loosen up.

"I-its fine," I stuttered, readjusting my bag before Carlisle took it from me. Alice beamed in my direction, so I didn't bother try to protest. "Um, thank you, and please call me Bella."

"Oh, I love that!" Alice mused, her smile growing wider. "I have always wanted a sister! We can be like twins! Edward and I," she gestured to the brother I'd been staring at, "are twins, so then we'd be, like, triplets." Her eyes wondered at the possibility. I just shuddered. So his name is Edward. Edward Cullen. I nodded to her, more at the part about her and Edward being twins. I wanted no part of that.

Once again we headed to collect my minimal luggage (you start losing stuff after moving around so much) as we joined the group. Alice hooked her arm through mine and I had a feeling she would be a good friend. I honestly had no intention of getting close to anyone, for when I left this family. For when they discard me like all the others. The other brother, Emmett Cullen, introduced himself to me and gave a bone-crushing hug. Yet another hug from strangers. I would have flinched away but there wasn't enough room for me to do so, so I stayed locked in his grasp for a few seconds before he released me and tucked me under his arm. This floored me, but I didn't know it that was a strong floor or weak one.

These people acted so nice toward me, like they...what's the word? Like acted like they were excited to see me and cared about me already, like I was actually already important to them. I didn't know what to feel. Where they doing this because that's how they actually felt, or were they tricking me like my last parent did? I shuddered as I thought about that. That parent was rotten and as soon as I'd been comfortable he tricked me into things I didn't want to do. After not wanting to be there enough, he started to make my life a living hell. I could still feel, inside and outside of me, what that life had done to me. What he had made me go through.

But these people were a family, a family that cared for each other by the looks of it. They were different. I hoped, at least.

Carlisle tried to make what I assumed was easy conversation while we made it through the crowded airport to the front doors. Alice didn't let go of me and continued to talk at what had to be record speed, but I mostly tuned it out to take in my new – temporary – surroundings. I did gather, though, that she had a boyfriend by the name of Jasper Whit-something. They live in the small town Forks, which I already knew, and I will be enrolled in the same classes as her, Edward and her boyfriend for the final year of high school. That was about it, well, that I could catch. Honestly, it didn't sound _too_ bad. I was still stewing over how long I would have until I was back in Florida, waiting for someone to come along and decide they want me, then enrol me in college. Well, how else would my life go? I really wanted to know how this would work.

As we made our way outside to the fresh air of Port Angeles, Washington I got distracted by the separation of the family. Some went one way, while others went another. Alice started to pull me in the direction Carlisle was headed along with...Edward.

"Um, Alice and Edward, do you guys mind going with your mother?" Carlisle asked politely. My heart started to thump wildly. This family is the same as my last parent. "I need to speak with Bella alone, if you don't mind?" Edward shrugged. Okay, maybe he wasn't as caring as the others.

"Dad!" Alice wailed. "I want to spend time with my new sister!" She held my arm so tight I thought it was going to brake. Edward had strode over to us and while he watched me closely but kind of blankly, he worked to entice Alice to release me. "Edward, go away!" she snapped, but he didn't faze. Obviously he was used to this, so she must do it a lot. I took the mental note of that.

Carlisle's voice overlapped Alice's threats to Edward. "Alice, you will have years and years to spend time with Bella. She isn't going anywhere, alright?"

My body froze, so I barely felt it when Alice let go. I did, however, feel when she kissed my cheek and said she'd see me later. Temper or not, she was a pretty sweet girl. Edward followed her to where Emmett and Esme were waiting in a very sleek, expensive-looking car. A family with money, perhaps? I stood for a few seconds to regain my composure as Carlisle packed my bags in the back of his black Mercedes. As I occurred to me I was standing in the middle of a parking lot at an airport I quickly took a step forward.

"Bella? Bella, are you okay?"

I shook my head as my eyes focused on Carlisle's concerned and puzzled face. "Uh, sorry," I breathed, barely audible. "I, uh, I'm fine."

He took a step toward me and I instantly took one back, like he was going to attack me. Glancing behind me I saw Esme pull out of the parking space and into the forming line of vehicles. Lots of eyes were on us, but before I could meet any I looked back to Carlisle. Confusion was an understatement.

"Bella?" He seemed to pick his words very carefully. "I'm not going to hurt you." The last part was said unsurely and I got the idea that he was just fishing for a hook. "Bella, don't you want to go home?"

_I don't know where home is. _"Y-yes," I stuttered, slowly taking a step forward as he opened the passenger's side door for me. I avoided making skin contact with him, for the fear of bringing back old memories. It was too familiar as it was. I stepped into the low, fresh smelling car and he closed the door behind me. I flinched. Yes, too, _too_ familiar for me. I fought back the rising emotions, suddenly wishing that my exotic new sister was was with me.

With deliberate slowness, like he knew not to startle me, Carlisle got in the driver's side and started the engine. The sound was a soft and soothing purr. He pulled out into the line of cars waiting to exit.

"Um, Bella, I reviewed further into your history, more than Esme did," Carlisle started. "It says you've been in twelve foster homes?" He turned his eyes to me in obvious surprise.

I nodded slowly, not knowing where this was heading. "My parents killed themselves. I'll been in foster care for years when my aunt decided she didn't want me either. No family's ever wanted me." I didn't dare go into detail about what those families did to me. I added dryly, "My parents never wanted me either."

"Oh, I'm sure that's not true," he said with a soft smile thrown my way.

"Its is," I muttered, blankly staring out the window. "They never wanted me so they took the easy way out." I knew this had to make Carlisle feel odd, talking about my family issues. If only he knew it all.

"When I spoke with the adoption agency they said you require daily therapy."

Oh, so that's why every family put me through that. The adoption people told them they had to put me through therapy. Bitches! "They're wrong," I mumbled. "I don't need any help. I've been in therapy for the whole seven years of family switching. It hasn't done anything and you would just be wasting your money." The last part accidently laced with hot acid. Every session I sat there and stared at nothing in silence. Therapy can't cure a damn thing in this world. Sense when has telling someone to "channel your depression into writing" helped anyone but Edger Allen Poe? "They don't know anything; therapy does nothing," I added.

"Well, I didn't want to you through it if you didn't need it," Carlisle said matter-of-factly. "I believe you know yourself better than any other person. I just wanted to know what you thought about going to a therapist." His eyes cast sideways once at me, but quickly returned back to the road. "I don't like to force people, you should know that." He exhaled. "I can tell you're worried about his, but there is no reason for that. You will fit in, and, Bella?" I looked over at him, my head hung low. "We aren't going to get rid of you or send you back to Florida. I know your worried about that."

All I could do was nod. They weren't going to get rid of me like all the others did. Were they really going to step in as my parents for the rest of my life? It stirred around weird inner emotions, but I couldn't let them take me over quite yet. There was a distinct possibility that Carlisle wasn't sure about that yet. Maybe once he saw what all the other families saw – and caused me to be thrown out – then I would be n the next flight back "home." I exhaled, staring out the window at the passing forests.

"You know, we are all very excited to have you as part of the family, Bella," Carlisle said conversationally. "Esme, especially. She wanted to have another daughter, but her body just can't do it. And in case you didn't notice Alice is also ecstatic to have you." He laughed, while I half-laughed. "Emmett also wanted another little sister, and Edward seemed pretty happy, too. You will fit in, I'm sure." And he did sound sure. I was just a little apprehensive.

I just said what I knew he wanted to hear, and yet just another white lie.

"I can't wait."

* * *

**I am aiming for this story to have longer chapters then most of my stories, and I got this done in, like, one day. So I'm pround of myself! Review!**

**-Mickey**


	3. Good Pain

**I hope you all enjoy this chapter. I know I'm enjoying writing it, so. I'm trying to make them longer then most my chapters, so bare with the intevals of time!**

**Enjoy and review!**

_I once saw something inside of you  
__something fresh and new._

_For one moment I thought I could open up,  
__and understand what you can see that I don't._

_I wanted to know what you think,  
__I wanted to see what you see. _

_But I can't be sure of you and your life,  
__I can't understand any of it one bit._

_Seconds can happen and things can change,  
__and I always feel like I'm missing something._

_I wonder at times if things can actually change,  
__if one's lifestyle will effect another._

_I live in dark and no one knows the things I've seen, the things I've done, __I live in isolation, and that can never change. _

I was so floored by the house that Carlisle stopped at that I had to double check. "This is your house?" I asked in astonishment.

He chuckled softly and said, "No, its _your_ house, Bella." I grimaced at this. This would be my home. At first I had mentally questioned when he pulled into a path leading through a forest and a serpentine-like path. But it made sense because this was not any house you would see in a city or even town – it was too beautiful to stand next to any houses.

The grand house was absolutely timeless, graceful, and looking like it was hundreds of years old. A porch wound around the first level of the three stories. It was painted in a soft, pale white and rectangular and well proportioned. It looked taller than three stories and the windows were big though you couldn't see inside too well. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't this by any means. Maybe I thought something original in this century more, something more modern – not old and classical. It was too breathtaking for words. "Wow," I breathed again, too low for Carlisle to hear. The house was a work of art.

Before I could fully register with the craftsmanship of the stunning structure my door was suddenly opened and Alice stood there with a huge smile. God, this girl was beginning to poke that sensitive nerve. I smiled weakly as I unlocked my seatbelt and was nearly wrenched from the car by Alice. Forceful and loud. Hmm, she didn't seem to have much of a relationship to Edward even though they were twins. Everyone was already out and gathering my bags. I wanted to help, but Alice was already tugging on me like a ragdoll.

"Come on, Bella!" Her tiny hand gripped on my arm, shooting a wire of pain up my forearm. "Isn't it beautiful?"

"Yes," I mumbled emotionlessly, wrenching my arm from her grip before she could permanently bruise or scar me.

"Oh, come on, a little more enthusiasm," Alice insisted, dragging my over the threshold. I glanced back at the rest of the family walking after us. Carlisle and Esme looked to be in a deep conversation, and I felt a prickle of annoyance as I guessed what it was about. "Your room, "Alice continued on, not noticing my inattention, "is right down the hall from mine. I tried to convince Edward to switch with me so I could be closer to you, but he's an ass, so." She rolled her eyes. "But if you need anything just ask me. I'm so excited to have a sister!" She squealed again, stomping her heels against the hard floors. Again I just smiled weakly. I still didn't know what to think. Alice started to lead me up the grand staircase, pulling me even when I hesitated because of the amazement of this place. I mean, none of my past homes had been this extravagant, nor had any family really shown much appreciation or kindness toward me, like this family had shown me the second I stepped in front of them.

Once we landed on the next floor, Alice started to pull me for the second flight of stairs. Already I was in shock, but this pushed me over the edge. Three stories was one thing, but having to walk three flights of stairs in the morning was like a death wish, a torture act. Alice started saying, "This is where us kids' rooms are. Carlisle and Esme are down on the second floor, on the side far of the house, which is so awesome for the times we want to sneak out – but don't worry, its not too often. And if we do, I'll take you with me." She flashed me a soft and innocent smile. "This is my room." A small hand gestured to the right side of the hall and opened the door.

Words didn't come to describe just how amazing it was, how breathtaking and unbelievable the room looked. It was full of funky colors and patterns that didn't even clash, though I bet if other people tried it it wouldn't look as good, and completely massive in space and size. The duvet on her huge canopy bed was bright hot pink and a zebra rug took up a big portion of the floor. A huge TV sat between two large windows on the far wall with three colourful chairs and different colored polka-dot pillows. A huge vanity mirror sat opposite to the bed and, as I glanced into the open door of the bathroom, I noticed it was lined and cluttered with makeup and beauty products. My eyes widened. A huge crystal chandelier hung above the middle of the room and the facets glistened in the dull light through the windows beautifully. Um, did some princess live here? This family was just full of surprise after surprise, I thought in complete awe.

I stuttered, "Uh, wow. This is...really pretty." I liked that she didn't seem too concerned for the flat tone. Her smile was bright and happy as she nodded, pulling me out of the room again and immediately gestured to the room opposite to her's as Emmett's. Further down the hall was a large window that gazed upon a stunningly huge forest. Beside was a right hooking hallway that Alice announced led to the indoor swimming pool and hot tub. I tried not to gap at this, but nod. Further down the first hallway with Alice's extraordinary room was Edward's room, which I did not see, and then only a few feet more, mine. I didn't like this proximity with my new brother for some reason. It just didn't feel right having to be near any person right now. I only hoped these walls were thick and the doors locked. (I had a feeling this family wouldn't give me alone time if I needed it, and wouldn't have a problem walking right on in. Well, maybe just Alice. She seemed a little obsessive.)

"You will so love this," Alice gushed. "I mean, I decorated it with Esme in a very modern princess way." I tried to hid the shudder. _Princess?_ Did she think I would a five year old? As she opened the door and made a grand sweeping gesture with her arm, I wondered if she thought I would be some foreign queen.

Needless to say, and unsurprising, the room was huge. The walls painted in a soft yellow color matched most of the gold themed room. The far wall was nothing but a floor to ceiling window, overlooking a more detailed and beautiful scene then Alice's room had. The ceiling is a very light colored and unique mural in very stunning designs and shapes, which shocked me even more because of how much something as lovely like that would have cost and the work put into it. The four-poster bed was huge – maybe a king size – and covered in white blankets, pillows, silk sheets, as well as many little accessories. The headboard and footboard were both made of some kind of material that looked like it was around the shade of dull gold to white, with swirl designs on the flat surfaces. There was a bog white bathroom and another set of doors that had to be a closet. The worst part was that those doors looked big. Real big. There was also a gold colored vanity and stretching flat couches. The whole room was decorated in many accents and furnishings not fit for anything I would ever have – or want, really. Even the huge, grand chandelier was not a characteristic I wanted to have in my room. Made of rows of crystal and diamond-like teardrops, it was pretty but not my cup of tea. I was the exact opposite of all this.

Alice was waiting expectantly for me to say something. "Do you like it?" she pressed eagerly. "It is so beautiful, don't cha think?" She pulled me into the room and across the marble floor to the big window, nearly bouncing from the soles of her shoes. "Look. Sliding door," she added happily, like this was a new version of the Internet, as she demonstrated. I hadn't seen this little asset at first glance, but it was nice to know. "The only downer being Edward's a smoker and he has a balcony right beside yours, but once you shoot him a few threats, he'll stop." Alice seemed very sure of this so I smiled. Her face slipped into a pout. "I'm still trying to convince Esme and Carlisle to build me one, but they haven't budged yet, so." She sighed in a frustrated tone and shrugged her thin shoulders. "Oh, well, these things happen."

Once I finally got the chance to speak I replied with, "Uh, yeah. Its, er, very pretty. Thanks." Sure, it wasn't technically a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth. Of course this room was stunning and exquisite and nothing I'd ever seen before – but it was fit for the Queen of England. It was not fit for me by any means.

"Oh, I know!" Alice gushed breathily. "It is the best room in the entire house. Oh, Bella, I'm so glad you came to live with us! You will love it here, I swear. Its perfect here." She smiled as she wrapped her arms around my waist and hugged me tightly, squeezing a few tears from my eyes, which I wiped away as quickly as possible. Emotionality only gets in the way of life, gets away of things that are meant and can be. Especially the fact my life never has been anything to get emotional over.

"I'm glad to be here, Alice," I lied quietly, so my voice would not betray me. Just as she started up in a babble I could not keep up with and tuned out by glancing around the room, hoping the distaste didn't show too thoroughly, my two new brothers, Edward and Emmett, walked into the room carrying my four tote bags.

"In the closet, Alice?" Emmett guessed, setting down too of the black bags. I watched the floor, feeling out of my own body and comfort zone.

Alice exhaled, like she was deciding. "Yeah," she finally said. "We're going shopping tomorrow to get her a new outfit for school."

At the very mention of school I shuddered. I also shuddered when she mentioned a shopping trip for school. In the past I'd done very well in school but didn't really enjoy it, and then judging by Alice's tastes, a shopping trip was like being kidnapped and physically tortured. It made my stomach churn and I grit my teeth together, holding back the groan and sobs. Maybe I really did want my old life back, maybe I did want to keep moving from house to house, family to family, and never have to be really cared for. That way I could be alone when I wanted to, I could just fade away like I'd known to do. As I looked back up with a flat expression, Edward was levelling up my face, like he knew what I was thinking. Edward broke it by talking though he looked right at me.

"Alice, didn't you just do a huge shopping trip?" His voice sounded like he was asking for my sake, to push me over the edge. His green eyes narrowed slightly with curiosity at me, so I quickly put on a happy and excited face, forcing a smile at Alice though I could feel it impossibly unhappy smile.

"Oh, Bella, I have to show you all the stuff I bought you. I totally guessed your size, so I hope I'm right, but it looks like I'm right." Her eyes flickered to my body. "But now I'm wondering if you'll like the style of clothing...Oh, well. Maybe another trip to the mall is in need." She shrugged like it didn't matter. "But I'm sure I can transform your style in a few days or weeks. Do you like blue?" she asked hopefully, with a big smile. She looked so excited and Edward was looking at me too closely, I told her what she really wanted to hear.

"Yeah. Totally." Even though my voice fell flat and I could hear the dreading and unhappiness, Alice bought it completely.

"Perfect! I got a lot of blue." Alice's voice turned to a hugely excited notch. "You guys can just put the bags in the closet." She jerked her chin to the big double doors. With a nod, and like obedient puppies, Emmett and Edward did as they were told. Alice turned to me again and continued on. "So. You will realize I look clothes in time and I strive for perfection." She paused. "Well, in decorating and clothing, at least. Can I dress you tomorrow? For our shopping trip? It will be a blast!"

_No._ "Yes," I muttered, faking awe in the entire room. Acting like this was the thing I liked in all my rooms, like I really did love it all for _me_. But I didn't.

"Ooh, I know what your thinking, Bella. It's the mural, right?" Alice asked. "It was so expensive. I had a feeling you'd like it. And I was right!"

"Yeah, it was imported from Romania," Emmett advised as he returned, gazing up at the pretty colors. "Real expensive, too. But it's the coolest thing here, so." He shrugged.

"Don't you just love it?" Alice squealed, then pouted. "I'm so jealous." Her bright eyes swept the room, as if pointedly. "But you deserve it." Again she wrapped her arms around me and squealed. Not only did I not get it, but I didn't hold her back. I didn't try and pretend I felt the love. I stayed frozen. How could she say any of that? How could she believe I had it better than her? How could she think I deserved something like this? If she knew...if she only knew...

"Your not really one for hugs, are you, Bella?" Edward asked me suddenly, his eyes telling me a shattering story. It looked like he knew exactly what I was feeling, what I'd been saying to myself. Either that or he was trying to piss me off.

As best as possible I looked back just as evenly and tried to keep out all the feelings and odd emotions. "Not really, I guess..." I drifted as Alice lifted her head.

"Well, being around me guarantees you a hug sometime or sometimes," she warned. "Just sayin'." I nodded glumly, but she didn't notice. "How about we go and let Bella get settled in?" The question was directed toward her – _our_ brothers.

Emmett shrugged. "Sure thing, lil sis. See ya, Bella. Its great to have you." Again I froze when he vouched a hug. Alice started talking to Emmett as they walked out of the room. Immediately I let out an exhale I hadn't realized I'd been holding. They were gone. I could breath now. Thankfully.

Being with the two of them made me feel like I was struggling with an act to put on. As I regained my normal composure I forgot about Edward.

"You don't like this at all," he told me softly. "You don't like being here."

I glanced around the huge room, thinking _what could I do with myself here?_ "I never said that," I replied as evenly as possible. I had to keep up the guard and facade with him, too. "Its just different than any other place I've lived."

"I know," Edward said matter-of-factly, still soft. "I read the papers about you. Lots of houses, lots of families."

Without an actual response I shrugged, still not meeting his eyes.

He must have given up with conversation. "Just remember your part of our family now, and if Carlisle isn't sending you to a therapist maybe something actually _isn't _wrong with you."

And Edward left me in the over-decorated, massive room for me to drown in my own tears and blood.

The excuse was I wanted to go to bed early because I was tired.

That was a lie. I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want anyone screaming over my temporary presence, or the suit I was residing in. I didn't want to hear any of it. Especially I didn't want to see the way Edward looked at me, like he knew me. Like he knew what's happening and happened to me, like he cared. I hated it, actually. I despised the way people thought they cared about me so fast. This family adopted me because I had no other place to go. I just got here and I was already claimed as "a part of the family" and they acted like they were concerned about what was going on with me. But there was also a plus side to this whole thing now.

The Cullens didn't get prissy over _me_. They didn't get upset over my dullness or actions to fade away. I wasn't scowled at all pretty much. I definitely had never lived with any family like this, like them.

Around nine o'clock the whole family came into my room while I was listening to my iPod to say goodnight. Each said how happy they were that I was here, how glad they were that I came. One-sided hugs were exchanged, but I tried a two-side with Esme because she seemed more sensitive. Carlisle mentioned, as if he knew what I was thinking about my life-span here, that was a part of this family and always would be. I don't think my facade was as well done as previous attempts. It actually sucked. I couldn't make myself look happy, feel happy, smile bright, or even slightly, thank them in a cheery, I'm-so-glad-to-be-here tone. I fell flat and lifeless. And Edward's beautiful green eyes seemed to catch it all. They never strayed far enough, it was like I was a science experiment. I think I hated it so much because it reminded me of something totally different, something I'd been put through against my will. The remembrance hurt me deeply on the inside.

The closet was the size of the room's I'd had at past houses, lining in cupboards, drawers and racks, all full of clothes. I shuddered at the many white bags hanging along the rack of the walls. My bags still sat in the center of the big room (maybe I should use this as my actual room – I mean, I could fit in here better) on the hard wood floor. Tears were still overwhelming my eyes because of my emotional imbalance as I dug through one of the bags for my desired item. I knew it was in here somewhere

...Ah ha. I pulled out the small wrapped white cloth, clutching my hand around it and re-zipping the bag up.

We all have our powerful remedies to get over rocks and mountains and hard times. Mine just happens to be dangerous and unearthly. I still wasn't sure of the security of the walls and their sound protection, so even though it was nearly twelve o'clock at night I was apprehensive that someone would come in or hear me. I stopped in the middle of the grand room, feeling more like I was at a masquerade ball then in my new room, stumped. I was dressed in nothing but a black tank top and very short black shorts, almost underwear. Black was the color. It was me and my life. It signifies the endlessness of life, the depth and pain, the disguise it can bring. Say to people, so people can mask themselves into something they are not and trick anyone they have the nerve to do so to. Like my last parent. Did he ever use the black to trick his outer self and inner self to me, and I had been fooled. I'd allowed it all to happen and didn't have it in me to stop it all...

The thoughts were cursing through my mind and I couldn't take it any longer. I had to keep this secret. No one could know what was going on in my life, what had happened. So before all the thoughts could overwhelm me and consume every though, my eyes fell on the sliding glass door. That was it. Alice did say I had a balcony after all, it was the perfect place. I clutched the cloth harder, feeling a need for it, feeling like I needed this more than anything else in this world. I needed this release.

Silently I slide the door open and a burst of smooth wind blew into my face, fanning my long hair around me. The moon was like a big white light bulb in the middle of the dark navy sky, casting shadows from the thick trees below. It illuminated the ground and I could see it was nothing but a clear surface of grass, nothing special or expensive, which I took some gratitude in. As if immediately, I knew this would be my place. The one place where I could get away from the hard troubles, away from everyone and everything. It was perfect. The balcony was surrounded in thick, shiny glass and the floor made of cold marble. It was almost as luxurious as the rest of the room. Marble for the flooring wasn't really expected, but why shouldn't I have expected something like this?

My thoughts started to derail as I started to focus on what had to be done. I slid the door closed behind me and leaned my arms against the cold silver railing, letting the brisk wind blow around me like a caress, ruffling my hair and blowing it around my face. It was actually a nice breeze. One of those that you feel when your on a tropical island, standing near the water and just _living_.

Without further delay I unwrapped the small white cloth and held the small contents between my thumb and forefinger. How long had it been sense the last time? Well, too long, I instantly decided. No, maybe about a week – the same amount of time I had been placed back in the adoption center after _him..._

My eyes narrowed at the long blade, shining silver in the moonlight. It was time for one of my remedies. Light wasn't something I needed because precision wasn't really a need per se; I couldn't work fine in the dark. I glanced down at my arm and assessed the marks across my arms.

It has never been a suicide attempt. It like a way to relieve myself, though lately I had been considering suicide as an alternative to my downward life. The marks went horizontal and vertical, criss-crossing and forming some shapes. Up near the crease of my elbow on my right arm was a heart with a lightning bolt through – love does not exist in this world. In the center of my left arm was a star, crusted in dry blood. I didn't want it to lose that look because the it actually looked cool. Especially the heart. They both looked pretty cool in dried out, dark red blood. Every other cut was a shade of light pink because the heart and star were recent and I usually just drew over them.

Slowly, as I raised the sleek blade up the my thin forearm, my breathing sped up and thinned out. I exhaled as the tip of the sharp blade hit the skin of my arm, and I exhaled out again. I watched in the weak light as I drew a line across the center of my arm. Because my arm was so pale in the lighting I could see a dark line forming where the razor had touching, obviously blood beading from my skin. The line stretched across the muscle, and my sobs started instantly, almost on queue. Tears fanned down my cheeks and dripped down my neck to my chest, smoothing down my cleavage and stomach. Pain flared up my forearm, numbing every muscle near the surface of it and up to my shoulder, sprinting around my collarbone then up my neck. It surfaced around my body, painfully forcing out all emotions in tears. This has been something that happened constantly to sooth the pain in my life, the pain my whole life brought to me. The burden of my parents and the effect it brought onto my whole life.

Everything disappeared with that simple slice. Tears pooled harder, so then I strike another time and another. Feeling the burn and flare, soothing me out.

The blade fell from my hand and I wiped at my arm, my hand becoming darker in the moonlight with blood. I didn't think about it. I rubbed my hands together like I was washing them in my own blood. I cried harder and harder, my hands wiping themselves on the front of my tank top as I clutched at my stomach with the pain of my tears.

Suddenly I heard a _swoosh_ sound, like a door being opened. But I didn't come from behind me – it came from beside me.

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**Da-na-na-na!**

**Kinda interesting cliffy there...I'm working hard on the next chapter, but I don't know how fast I can get it out. What, with school and the family I wish I didn't have...its hard. Plus, my family is so getting on my nerves! (I mean, we live half an hour from my dad and we still all get in fights! Don't say there isn't anything wrong with that!)**

**Review!**

**-Mickey**

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	4. Second Relief

**Okay, I know updates have been far apart, but th einternet's not working and I have to hook my laptop up and I'm not supposed it...eek!**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy!**

_I have deeply daring secrets hidden deep within,_

_each unknown by every person who walks this earth._

_Things erupt and break constantly_

_and I don't know how to live in one way._

_People say what they see,_

_but they never look deep enough._

_Things are darker and deeper then they appear,_

_and no one knows or understands._

_I'm lost in dark depths of life and depression_

_yet nothing can help me._

_Everyone says I'm a waste of life and am worthless,_

_the experts say I'm delirious._

I didn't want to turn and face who I knew it was, so I tried to dry my tears, knowing they would glisten in the night. I tried to focus on the moon, like I was just out for a little fresh air.

"Bella, are you okay?" Edward whispered. I glanced over at him, nearly just seeing his silhouette in the day and his eyes shining in little diamond-shiny orbs.

Clearing my throat I murmured, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just needed a little fresh air." My throat was dry from crying and I kept sniffling, which gave it away instantly. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something flash that caught my eye. I hadn't realized how close the two balconies were before now, when I looked over and saw Edward lighting a cigarette up. A flash of jealousy caught me instantly. I hadn't had one in months and I didn't realize the need I had for one. (My last parent would not allow it.)

"You want one?" Edward asked softly, knowingly. His arm outstretched, handing me a long white stick and a bright red lighter. I hesitated for a moment, debating the answer. I took them from his hand with the realization the cutting didn't fully do it for me.

"Thanks," I said around the cigarette in my mouth. Cupping my hand around the end I flicked the lighter and it caught and inflamed. I handed the lighter back to Edward and took a long drag. Smoking may be unhealthy, but it also unwound tense nerves. And I really needed that right now. I was too rigid and upset to even care about what smoking could do to me.

After a moment of silent puffing Edward said, "Bella, I know something's wrong. I heard you crying loudly. These walls aren't as soundproof as you think. From the first time I saw you I knew this wouldn't be the same life for you and you would have troubles adjusting. Your just different." He didn't sound accusing or rude, but curious and soft. I watched him silently as he dragged the cigarette smoke in and out, breathing deep and exhaling slowly. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. We all want you to fit in." His words were smooth, too, but I couldn't think of anything but want they meant.

"No, I can't," I mumbled, dragging the smoke deep into my lungs and throwing my head back to let it all out. "You don't want to know."

"Yes, I do," Edward disagreed, putting out the small bud of the cigarette out on the railing and flicking it over the edge. I watched it fall down, the end barely glowing, until I couldn't see it anymore. He lit another one. "I want to know. There's something going on with you and its more than just not liking Alice's ways of overdoing everything in this world." I saw him smile at me out of the corner of my weak vision. "You'll get used to her eventually. Give it all time." He shrugged his shoulders.

"And what makes you think I'll be around long enough?" I asked casually, putting out the end of my cigarette and tossing it over the edge as well.

Edward said, "Alice has wanted a sister for forever. Emmett wants another baby sister to boss around and tease. Esme has wanted another daughter for the longest of times. Carlisle wants a big family." With another drag he put out the cigarette and offered me another while taking one for himself. I took it totally gratefully, nodding once.

"And what about you?" I pressed, shoving my arm against my side to protect my marks from his vision. The last thing Edward, or any of the Cullens, needed to know was my personal issues or the real me. The person with the guard up, the family issues, the messed up life, and the cutting. No one needed to know any of that' it would hurt.

"Well, I am just trying to understand what your hiding," Edward replied quietly, voice carrying in the wind. We finished our cigarettes in silence, not exchanging any words about anything. I didn't know what else to say to that – I mean, what do you say to something like that anyway? _Thank you_? I ignored the pain in my arm when I pressed it closer to my side to contain to blood I could feel, keeping the blade under my foot. I couldn't even fathom a response Edward would have if he knew about what he interrupted.

I flicked the bud over the railing and sighed in contentment. "Well, wasn't that something else? Thanks, too, Edward." I smiled forcedly at him, which he returned with a very subtle and seductive looking smile, but I couldn't be too sure in the dark. "Its no problem, Bella," Edward said, dismissing me instantly as he finished off his cigarette. "And if you ever want to talk..." he offered slowly. "...I can listen. I really do want to know why you hate it here so much, so if you want to talk, I'm a good listener."

"Edward," I sighed, agitated. "You don't even want to know."

Sleep came about as well as the World War Three. Uh, it didn't happen! I had lain in bed and sobbed, cried over the misfortune of my life, and once I was sure Edward went back into his room I retrieved my blade that had still been on the marble flooring. It was the only time I got up from that comfy and soft bed, taking the liberty to grab the evidence. My cuts and wounds (well, the physical ones) were crusted and sore and sometimes dripping. They oozed puss and blood, scratched my skin restlessly. It was a huge pain in my ass when they rubbed against the silk sheet on the bed or rubbed the wrong way, period. It stung and pinched and burned. But sometimes you have to make sacrifices, even if they are to suffer and fall and burn in hell. Okay, so maybe that was an extravagation. But I meant it softer than that.

I was able to throw on a long sleeved sweater before I was sure Alice wouldn't be coming in my room anytime soon. If I was caught off-guard...well, all hell would break loose.

Just as I was settling back into bed, curling around nice and tight and warm, the door slowly cracked open. "Bella?" Alice whispered. "Are you awake?"

Suppressing a sigh I said, "Yes, Alice. What do you want?" I already knew there were things and ways I would have to get used to, but I hoped this wasn't entailed in it.

"Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay!" she chanted, as I watched her silhouette move across the room, and then I felt the bed shift as she jumped on it. "I couldn't sleep. I was too excited. Well, I guess I'm still excited. Today is going to be so much fun," she gushed. "I'm going to show you around Forks – which really won't take long, so. And your going to get to meet my boyfriend and Emmett's girlfriend." I watched her gush so early, I could barely keep my eyes open and my body sitting. Why did she have to do this?

"That's awesome, Alice," I said, trying to sound excited. "But I just want to know why you couldn't of waited for a few more hours. I mean, like maybe three more?"

She frowned. "Well, I couldn't wait." Her eyebrows pulled together. "Why, didn't you sleep well? Oh, was it Edward and his loud music? Yeah, sometimes he does that early, but if you want em to I can kick his sorry ass." Her offer was said with excitement. "We've fought sense we were kids. And guess who won?"

I sighed. "You."

"No, Edward beat the shit out of me every time. But it was always fun. I guess a few times I did do a go job though, so." She shrugged. "Anyway, I'm sorry I woke you up. I knew you were just being nice when you said you were wake," she laughed. I curled my arms around me, protecting the new sweater. "But that's totally okay, Bella."

"Okay?" It came out more as a question. Alice's excitement and attitude apparently wasn't something to really catch, but repel. Honestly, I was having a hard time standing how she was always in my face and talking and asking questions. She did talk a lot. Maybe I should have been preparing myself for the worst all those months I'd been with my old parent. But, I guess, I had a lot of other stuff to think about, a lot of stuff to consider. A lot of stuff to do and put up with. I never did have the time it weigh the possibilities I would have a wacko family, a crazy one, a criminal one, a funny or rich or anger-issued family. I hadn't even had the strength in me to do anything, what with all the physical things...

_No_. I stopped the thoughts when they started again. I mentally put up the wall, the block and locked them all out. They don't matter, I told myself. They are the past. But it was still a sad part of me and my life. The part that no one would know. The one that was a big burden on me alone. Alice, preppy and happy Alice, did not need to know that kind of stuff. Sweet Esme didn't either. No one but me knew and ever would. Just one of the many secrets, I thought glumly. Ignore it and move on with it all.

"Well, I guess I'll go back to bed," Alice said, slightly sad. "I just wanted to really tell you that. See ya in the morning." She leapt from the bed and danced to the door, but she stopped and turned back to me. "And I promise I won't wake you up. Have a good rest of sleep, Bella!" The door closed lightly behind her as she disappeared.

I let out a big breath I hadn't known I'd been holding. Unfortunately I felt like I could cut again, but this time deeper. I didn't know why I wanted that so bad, but I did. I really did want to feel more pain, more relief, be rid of some temporary emotional pain. I needed it. So I cut once and went back to bed surprisingly peacefully.

"How about this?" Alice asked excitedly. I eyed the dress. There was no way in hell I would even give that dress a single glance in a store, or really anywhere for that matter. There wasn't much to it at all. The material looked soft, short and black. I shuddered and rolled my eyes. "No, Bella!" Alice complained, trusting the dress in my hands. "Okay, look. You are the prettiest girl I have ever gotten the chance to dress. Please?" I stared at her, non-believing. "Paired with these." She held up a pair of wrinkled-looking pale caramel boots with quite the heel on them. "So, what do you say?" she asked hopefully. "I mean, you will look beautiful in this. Please?"

I sighed. "Fine." With the greatest smile and cheering, she passed the boots over. "But this is all I'm doing, okay? No hair and no makeup." She nodded and pushed me into the platinum bathroom. I didn't like the looks of the dress. I mean, it looked stripper-ish. And that was only confirmed when I got it on. It was kind of tight but kind of loose and very short. It showed a lot of leg and a lot of arm, but not so much cleavage. I pulled on the hem, trying to yank it down more over my thighs, yet it wouldn't move down enough. Sighing I grabbed the makeup bag on the counter to put the finishing touches on the exposed skin. Years ago I'd found a great remedy for covering p my cuts, some mix of concealer and an amazing foundation. I smeared the substances over the cuts, but I knew I would have to try to keep these hidden. Chances are I would have to sneak off and do it again. I shoved my feet in the boots and instantly gained some height. I didn't overly enjoy having to dress like this just to go see the town, but I knew I had to put up with it one way or another. Still I felt like crying because of this. With one final pull of the hem, which was above mid-thigh, I left the bathroom.

And I froze, just as quickly. The room – _my_ room – was occupying Alice, Emmett, Edward, and a boy I didn't know. I guessed he had to be Alice's boyfriend, Jasper, because they were holding hands. But once I emerged she broke broke from him and skipped over to me. "Holy, Bella! That looks amazing!" she trilled, examining me.

"Uh, Alice, I look like I'm going to the strip club." I paused, gawking her face. "Or am I?"

She snorted. "No, but we can if you really want." Surprisingly I laughed, as did everyone else in the room. It felt oddly good to laugh, oddly free. "Oh," Alice chirped. "We can go to the club tonight! It sounds like so much fun! Okay, I saw all these pictures on the internet about it and its, like, so awesome and so cool and I just so want to go. What do you guys say? It has like the best bar and dance floor and lights. Guys," she grinned hugely and made a sweeping gesture," colourful lights!"

"Wow, Alice, can you believe it?" Emmett mockingly asked, fake gasping. "Colourful lights in a club? Who would-a _thunk_?" My laugh was only getting more surreal.

"Whatever." She waved him off. "But Bella will need her fake-y." Alice looked at Jasper. "Jazz is the king of this stuff. He can use you passport picture and make the best fake Ids."

I raised my eyebrows, appraisingly looking at Jasper Whit-something and then back at Alice in astonishment. I shocked me she enjoyed underage drinking and access to clubs. "Okay," she said. "I know what your thinking, but we call in the Brother-Sister Code. It doesn't get out to our parents." She leaned in. "Plus we made great friends with the two security guys or whatever. Yeah, it has its advantages." She smiled like a little girl, taking my hand and pulling me for the door. "We are going to have so much fun – oh! Maybe we can make a shopping trip! Oh my God, that would be awesome. There was this awesomely adorable dress that would so suit-"

"Alice, I need to speak with Edward alone. Do you mind?" I interrupted, and everyone following us stopped. Edward just looked confused, but everyone else was about one hundred times that. She glanced between the two of us. "O-kay?" She made it two words and a question, but I just shrugged to her. I told her thanks as they all filed out of my room, leaving Edward and I alone.

I turned to him sharply. "Your sister has huge plans for me today so crack the cigarettes, Edward."

We stood on my balcony, watching the forest and smoking heavily with the doors shut and locked. (Yay, it locks!) Apparently, no one knew Edward smoked either.

"Tell me something about yourself," Edward suggested, after my second one. I blew the smoke out over our heads, watching it float away and thin out into nothing. "I don't want to broach a bad subject, but what happened to your parents?" I nearly choked on the smoke in my throat, as Edward started patting my back.

Coughing I cleared my throat and said bitterly, "They killed themselves to get away from me. They didn't want me at all, so they OD-ed and sucked it with alcohol."

The strangest look crossed Edward's delicate face. "Is that why they recommended you to see a therapist daily?" he asked suddenly.

"I don't even know why," I admitted, voice more clipped then before. "I mean, they know nothing about me. Why do they think I need to go to a therapist?"

"Did you ever think that maybe they know something you have been trying to hide?" Edward asked casually but seriously. "Like the crank? They mentioned it to Carlisle over the phone and I'd heard it. You do drugs." It wasn't a question.

My tongue pressed to the inside of my cheek, but I tried not to let on to my feelings. After a moment of heavy smoking I said, "So, maybe I have-"

"Bella," Edward snapped, tossing his cigarette over the ledge. "Why would you do that? That stuff is horrible for you!" I'd never seen a man so sincere and worried. And shocked.

Flicking mine over the side, I turned sharply to him. "Listen, Edward," I said flatly. "I have bigger issues that you don't know about – half the shit you would have a fit over if you knew. My life is fucked up to the top and I don't need you telling me what is going wrong. Because a lot is. Okay?" I exhaled from the explosion, breathing evenly and feeling like a total idiot. I'd almost slipped up with those _things_...those secrets. Almost. "Speaking of crank, do you know anyone that can help me out with it?"

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**Thanks for reading and please review!**

**-Mickey**

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	5. The Shopping Trip

**I am so happy to get this out, so ecstatic! Its long – yay! – and awesome – double yay! – and so many have been reading this story. And I've been getting like the best reviews, that really seem to perk my day. So what so you think I'm going to ask of you all? R-E-V-I-E-W! **

**Enjoy!**

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_ALL TIME LOW ~ THERAPY_

_ My ship went down in a sea of sound  
When I woke up alone I had everything  
A handful of moments I wished I could change  
And a tongue like a nightmare that cut like a blade  
In a city of fools I was careful and cool  
But they tore me apart like a hurricane.  
A handful of moments  
I wish I could change but I was carried away_

Give me therapy  
I'm a walking travesty  
But I'm smiling at everything  
Therapy, you were never a friend to me  
And you can keep all your misery.  


I can still hear the whisper, the slick voice melting around me in a death caress. I can still feel the pain, the sprints of anguish. Sitting there, in pain and misfortune, feeing ripped and torn, waiting and lighting up to forget. It isn't your fault, I told myself. It isn't your fault, it isn't your fault. But it was. I'd let it happen, I'd forced it upon myself for this to happen. No one was to blame but me.

Alice's voice ripped me from my sick and nauseating remembrance. "Bella, are you okay? Are you cold or something? Your shaking." Tenderly she set a hand on my quivering arm in comfort, but it didn't work. I shook harder, looking at the ground. "Bella? Are you hungry? Tired? The waking dead?" She laughed, trying to lighten the mood. We were in some dressing room at some mall, and Alice was modeling all this stuff for me. It was torture, and I needed another cigarette.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I mumbled, shaking her off and crossing my arms. I sat down on the chair in the end of the hall. For a second she just stood there and stared. "We can go get something to eat if your hungry," she offered after a moment. "I won't mind. 'Cause I really think this is _it_." She ran a hand down the front of the dress. It was a short baby pink dress with a semi-tight, lace bodice and a criss-cross back. "What do you think? So pretty, right?" I nodded. "Yay! I'll be back."

Again Alice disappeared behind the white curtain, and I sighed. I'd had to get used to all different kinds of households and families and such, but nothing like this. I didn't know if I could get used to being in a family like this. One where everyone was so...connected and together. There was something within the Cullens that I couldn't place, some emotion that I couldn't figure out. Bigger then caring for each other. What was it? And how could I ever be part of that? Well, I couldn't. I was still sure that I would be going home – the adoption center – soon. Alice was taking forever so I decided to leave the dressing rooms and wonder the store. It was one of those extravagant stores that always play loud music that no one knew the name of. Edward was sitting on a bench, his back to me, outside of the store, waiting. Jasper and Emmett went to make my fake Id for tonight – which I would reluctantly be going to some club. So much fun, I was _too_ excited.

Crossing my arms over my chest I walked out of the store, to the bench that Edward sat on with a bunch of colourful bags beside him. "Hey," I said, sitting down.

He glanced over at me, then turned back to looking in front of him. "Oh, common, Edward. Don't tell me your still thinking about the whole crank thing?" He gave me an are-you-kidding-me look. My mouth dropped. "Didn't I already tell you that its soothing?"

"No, I think you said that you have had things going on in your life that are fucked up and that I don't need to tell you what's wrong." He paused. "And, oh, yeah. You also said that I would have a fit over half the stuff if you told me. And, Bella, I really think you should. I understand if you can't talk to Alice, Esme or Emmett or Carlisle, but seriously. You can talk to me," he insisted. "Bella, what are you keeping from everyone?"

Before I could even answer, Alice came skipping from the store and holding a bright orange bag. "There you are, Bella, I was looking for you."

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"Are you feeling better now?" she asked, as we started loading all the bags up on Edward and heading down the crowded hallway. I felt oddly watched all around.

I thought about that for a second. Well, I knew the answer Alice wanted to hear, and any answer would perk Edward's curiosity, but I knew the answers I wanted to give had nothing to do with what she wanted to hear. She didn't want the personal issues. "Kind of," I said truthfully. "A little sick maybe, but okay."

"Do you want to go to the food court now or later?" Alice asked, gesturing down two opposite crowded ways. They were each lined in bright stores, people galore.

"I really don't care," I admitted, with a half laugh. Alice had already figured out that shopping wasn't my forte, while Edward had long figured it out. With those words Alice made a brief comment on how sad my interest in fashion was, which I just shrugged off as she pulled Edward and I into another store. When I thought all the other ones were bad this one took the medal for overdoing and just plain tacky. Well, it turns out, it was a high-end store. Expensive and apparently all the rage. To me it was tacky. To every other girl on the face of the Earth it was the hottest. All the color made me want to bring up my own colors.

Alice had about two seconds of waiting time as we entered, before she tore off to a large rack. Seeing her in action was scary. It was like watching swirls of colors and an animal attack all in one. There was a black bench near the dressing rooms where I helped unload all the bags from Edward's arms and we both sat.

"So, what, are you sick?" Edward asked after a moment, curious but sceptical.

Before answering I thought it through, what I was going to say. Edward had enough personal information on me. It was only a matter of time before he found the cutting and the past. "Uh, I don't know. I just wasn't feeling well, and Alice seems worried for no reason." I shrugged.

There was a strange pause before he blurted in a rush, "Tell me about the crank."

"What?" I turned to him, shocked and surprised. Why hadn't I seen that coming?

"How did you start it?" Edward asked, voice velvety and soft. Looking into his eyes it was hard to not tell him. But then Alice trotted out and saved me.

We ended up shopping for about another hour before Alice even really considered the food court. Edward was staggering under all the bags, and I couldn't help but think what a guy he was. Going to the mall with his twin sister and fucked up new sister, and carrying the bags. Jasper and Emmett were just too wimpy to go to the mall and carry bags, for fear of looking feminine. Idiots, I thought. If only I'd thought of something just as clever as creating a fake Id for someone.

As we were headed for the cafeteria we pasted by the grand main doors, and I stopped. A phone booth. Edward and Alice slowed as they noticed I wasn't following.

"Bella? What are you doing?" Edward asked, more sceptical. I turned to them both. "Um, I need some fresh air. Why don't you guys go ahead and I'll meet you there. I-I'm not feeling well," I said quickly, pulling down the hem of my dress as a group of teenage boys paste by, gawking at me uncomfortably.

"Oh," Alice said, shocked. "Of course. Do you want me to come with you?" I shook my head silently. "Okay, then we'll be in the food court." As they walked away I got a disapproving and pondering look from Edward. I didn't see why or what he found me so intriguing for, but I shook it off as I pushed out the doors.

I wanted nothing more than to make this call quickly and then get something to eat. I was starving from walking around so much and watching the wrath of fashioners. So as soon as I hooked money from a male bystander I dialled the familiar number, praying for an answer. I hoped she was around and could give me some help.

"Uh, hello?" The voice was unsure.

"Irina?" I said immediately. It'd been a bit sense I'd spoke with her or even saw her.

There was an intake of breath. "Bella? Where are you calling from?"

Ignoring her question I said, "I'm living in this small town, Forks, Washington, right now, and I have to make this quick. Do you know _anyone_ here?" I lowered my voice on the last sentence and cupped the phone to my ear. Vaguely I could still feel and kind of see the man behind me, watching, maybe listening.

"Forks?" Irina checked ponderingly. "Um, not Forks...Here let me check." I heard a few implacable sounds before she said, "Someone in a...Port Angeles? Is that it? Port Angeles?"

"That's where I am right now. I'm at the mall with my new sister," I groaned.

Irina laughed loudly. Even she knew that much about me. "Holy shit, Bella, have you really changed that much?"

"Not a chance in hell," I admitted sweetly. "So this person...can them come meet me in a few minutes at the front entrance?"

"Just hold."

A dial tone started up, and I tried to wait patiently but it was hard. I actually did want to be back inside, slightly warmer and fuller. But I had to get this done. It would help with the pain, help me feel better and closer to what I needed. Suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder and I jumped, spinning around, grateful the phone had a cord. "I'm sorry I scared you," he quickly apologized with a beautiful smile. It wasn't like Edward's – his was always sex and melting and perfect – because this one was more rich, like it was hiding something. And I oddly wanted to know what that something was.

"Oh," I breathed, relieved. "Its okay." Hesitantly I pressed the phone back to my ear.

"I'm James, and you are?" he asked.

I paused. "Bella."

"Mmm, lovely name," James said, shaking my hand sweetly. "I'm sorry if I'm holding you up on your phone call..."

"No," I said quickly. "Its fine; I'm on hold." He smiled.

"But I just wanted to ask for your number, if you don't mind." On any occasion I would have said no, but he seemed so sure of himself. This James character seemed like he knew what would happen, like he knew he would scare me and then ask for my number so fast. So I gave him my cell phone number, the one I'd just realized this morning that I had and Carlisle and Esme started paying for. Suddenly I was grateful to them. So very grateful. "I'll see you later, hopefully," James said with a wink and walked off. I watched after him in total amazement. What kind of man was so sure of himself that fast? Well, I didn't even want to know.

But surprise was the biggest emotion. How long had it been that I had ever dated? Oh, wait. I didn't date. I never ever had a boyfriend before, and I didn't even care of that status. But this James character...he was something else, something different. And he had been very handsome, too, and that was always a plus.

"Bella, are you still there?" Irina asked as the tone stopped.

"Yeah, I'm here." I set aside the last encounter to listen to her.

"She'll be there any minute. Her name's Carmen, okay?"

I nodded, though she couldn't see me. "Yes, thanks so much," I said. We bore our quick goodbyes and hung up as I waited for this Carmen chick. I was in luck that there was even someone here to sell, such a small place, but I knew Irina had connections all over the world. So I waited, while digging bills from my bra.

Really it's a secure place because you know no one can just rob you. I had to have waited for about two minutes before a beautiful woman walked around the corner, inconspicuously holding a big leather bag. I hated that I would have to stand near her because of her looks compared with mine. Embarrassing.

"Are you Isabella?" she asked curiously, shifting on her heels.

"Yes, and your Carmen?"

"Perfect," she said quickly, opening her bag and digging around. "I can't waste time; I have to be at work, like, five minutes ago, so." As I handed her the wad of bills, she passed me a huge plastic bag filled with a white powder-looking substance. "Will we be seeing each other again?" she asked, zipping her bag up and hitching it over her shoulder. I wondered absently where she worked because she dressed kind of provocatively.

"Definitely," I agreed.

The total drop-off took only a minute, and she was off the her real job while I tucked the bag away inside the purse I was finally finding use for. I knew it would be the only time I would use some article like this. I knew better then to sniff out front of the mall so I would have to save it for later, I decided as I made my way back through the doors and down the crowded hall, to the food court. I had to dodge numerous clans of people to get to my destination, which was even worse.

Alice and Edward were sitting at a small table, eating burgers and French fries, waiting for me.

EPOV

I know there's something wrong. I can feel it.

She walks slowly, glides. She has such a quiet, monotone voice and seems to separate herself from others. She's silent, but I can feel she's insightful and intelligent. But I knew she would have problems adjusting to our lifestyle. We the Cullens were always out-there and in-there people. Everyone in Forks, I knew, were different then the people she used to be around. I think she's hurting, I thought. She seemed so quiet, so dead, so powerless and weak. But when she spoke...sometimes she sounded so sarcastic and annoyed and..._human_. I didn't like the way she seemed so disconnected from everyone around her, like she was circulated by a world no one else was seeing and drowning in her own thoughts and questions. It was odd and unnatural. There had to be something wrong.

Don't get me wrong, I actually did like having a new addition to the family. Bella was a special person – I could already feel it, sense it and see it. There was something that separated her from any other person I'd ever met; she was so different, it was unfathomable. Something about the way she said things, the way she looked at things, the way she was so secretive. Alice's enthusiasm was also killer to Bella – I could see it written all over her beautiful face. Bella didn't like the way Alice groped over everything or the way she got obsessive, how she was so happy. Something about it got to Bella, but I didn't know what part. Something.

Watching her now, as she made her way through the clans of people in the food court, I could see the strength she put into the smile for Alice. She was forcing something. I was finding it odd how she held herself so close together, her arms pressed closely to her sides and clutching that purse for dear life. Was she cold?

"God, Bella, what took you so long?" Alice asked, rolling her eyes. "I thought you might have gotten lost." I watched closely as Bella smiled slightly, but she recovered quickly, like it had been an accident. Odd, I thought, wondering what she had been up to. "So, are you hungry?" Alice persisted.

"Um, no," Bella admitted. "Not at all actually. I'm kind of feeling sick to my stomach." No your not, I thought, forcing my lips closed so I wouldn't say it aloud.

"Fine, but _I_ want more fries," Alice said, pushing out her chair and skipping through the tables. The food court was huge, so I had time to confront Bella.

I turned to her sharply, but I had a feeling she was avoiding me on purpose, picking at a napkin. "Bella," I said slowly. "Your not sick. What's going on?"

"I am sick!" she snapped, her whole face contorting to bitter anger and dismay. "I am very sick, Edward. You don't know. I am horribly..." She sunk back in her chair, almost helplessly. "...horribly sick, Edward." Bella's voice dimmed to a whisper of pain. I felt some unidentifiable double meaning behind the words.

Wanting to know was not the reason I pressed her. I needed to know; she had to tell me. Something was off, and I _had_ to know. "Bella, what are you talking about?" I asked softly, leaning forward. She flinched and looked down, crossing her arms and shaking her head. "No Bella, talk to me," I pleaded, begged, quietly.

"I-I can't," she stuttered, looking on the verge of tears. Immediately I pulled away, shocked. "I told you, Edward, you don't understand. And you can't-"

"Make me understand," I interrupted, softening my voice. I'd never seen or felt how vulnerable Bella was or could be, and it was overly surprising. She'd seemed so in control of herself, so sure and positive with what she wanted. I didn't think she would be one of those emotional girls, but she seemed it.

Bella started hyperventilating, her chest puffing out and sinking in. She looked like she would curl over and bawl her eyes out. Wiping a few stay tears from her eyes she said quietly but hard, "You can't take you, you don't want to know. Edward, you have no idea what you are saying. Just stop pushing; I don't want to talk."

"But Bella, it can do you some good..." I started, but stopped as she shook her head slowly, denying. "Bella, you can tell me – I can take it. Just please talk," I begged. I didn't quite understand why I wanted to know what she was hiding, what was so secret, but there was something there I could not ignore. Something about the way she spoke, the way she walked, the way she looked. It was special. _She _was special. And yet I could not figure out why.

"No," Bella disagreed, almost panicked, shaking her head. "No, I can't. You just don't understand, Edward you never will."

What to make of Bella's and my conversation, I did not know. Saying she seemed generally pissed was an understatement; anything over that would be acceptable. But I think most of all she was upset. Alice had come back full of energy and words, not noticing the annoyance and anger both Bella and I felt.

We were pissed and upset and confused. It went all ways. must have said something to upset her because she didn't give so much as a glance to me through the rest of our trip. She still looked on the verge of bawling, but Alice didn't notice. I did try talking to her a few times but I was shut out in seconds flat. Bella did not want to talk, I decided after my third shutdown. But that didn't mean, by any little glitch, I would give up and not continue to press her on the issue. Or issues.

Alice's little night out was interrupted by Bella.

Bella seemed pretty sick – she kept throwing up. Alice was constantly comforting her and helping, but Bella started turning down the help when she'd been accompanied for over three hours during the twilight. But even now, at eleven o'clock with a completely zonked out family of four, I could hear the gagging noises between the walls, the toilet flushing, the barfing sounds again. What was wrong? Did Bella have the Swine Flu? God, I hoped not. But it was something. She seemed unusually sick. Hadn't she been fine the day before? Why so sudden? Hell, I didn't know. How could someone get sick so fast? Fuck! How would I know?

As I was drowning out the noises of her millionth vomiting, it stopped. A few seconds later, as I was readying for going for a smoke, here was a tap on the door.

Without a thought the door opened and Bella walked in to close it behind her. I sat on the pack of cigarettes reflexively, on my bed, straightening up.

"Bella, I said immediately, "I'm sorry if I upset you, if I was being out of line, bit something doesn't seem right-" She cut me off easily.

"Edward," she whispered, sitting on the edge of my bed, and hesitantly glancing around. She looked too pale, and the sleeves of her dark sweater were pulled around her fists. Bella looked tired and like she'd been running a relay. Something was far from right. "Edward, can you do me a favour? I really need your help."

"Of course, anything," I said immediately. Finally! I thought. "Bella, please talk to me, I know there are things that you should get out-" Another interruption.

Holding up both hands she sighed, the exhaled, then a tear pooled in the corner of her eye. She looked like she would bawl again. Then she spoke, and her words shocked and stunned me, rendering when little coherent thought process I had. Her words rattled me, scared me, had me rethinking. There was something _more_ than just wrong.

"Edward, I need you to take me to get an abortion."

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I have been building to this! And I am so happy! I wanted this chapter extra long to end it like this, and I love how it turned out. Okay, I have, like, most of it planned. I know what's going to happen, the tone of it, the pain, the dark, the sadness...God! I'm so excited. It. Will. Be. Awesome.

**I swear that to you!**

**Review!**

**-Mickey!**


	6. The Reveal

**Just so you guys don't have to do any work, this poem is about what Bella is feeling toward Edward, but doesn't know it, as well as a certain someone living inside her...if you get my drift. It's a special poem I found on the internet, some place I now forget, but totally awesome. Please review. If I get **_**a lot**_** of reviews I will post faster! **

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I do everything in spite of what I want  
ignoring the memories and thoughts that haunt  
finally felt I was going somewhere  
felt like somebody actually cared  
all I want is everything I'm not.

_I look at you and its everything you've got  
I am nothing a pile of dust  
a car on cinder blocks left to rust  
you are a diamond shining bright  
you're the star that gets me through the night.  
_

_I am the one who brought you pain  
the one who got me through the rain  
all I want is a hug and kiss  
to remind me I am the one you miss.  
_

_You're the one I want with me when my world falls apart  
you're the one I know can fix my broken heart  
What happened to the love we used to share?  
_

_Why do I feel like you're barely there?  
_

_Can anything go back to how it used to be?  
_

_When we were both happy because we were free  
what is this thing, silenced between you and I?  
_

_The tension makes me think back to suicide  
_

_I love you now like never before, but I'm still afraid the day will come when you'll walk out the door._

**EPOV**

I must have had something in my ears.

"You...what?" I breathed, rising to my feet.

There was a visible change in Bella. She looked like she would vomit again. "I need you to take me to the hospital for an abortion."

For a moment all I could do was stare – at her perfect body that is. She...she was...Bella is..."Your pregnant?" I breathed. The words brought tears down her face as she glance away, avoiding my eyes. Then suddenly it all hit me.

"Bella!" I snapped. "Your pregnant! You smoked and...were you pregnant when you did the crank? Oh my God, you could have killed-"

"Edward!" she interrupted, crossing her arms tighter across her chest. "That's what I want to happen. I don't want it, please help me get rid of it."

The choked sound that came from my throat was supposed to be a laugh. "Bella, it's a baby; not a pair of shoes. You have to think what's best for your baby-"

"NO!" she snapped, well, yelled would be more accurate. I raised my eyebrows, but didn't say a thing more. "It," she said slowly, voice shaking, "is not my baby. It's a fucking mutant!" As Bella started sobbing she clutched her stomach, but I wondered if it was because of her baby. Bella's baby...I thought.

"I'm sorry," I quickly apologized, softly as possible. But when I took a few steps forward, she flinched and backed one up. I sighed, confused and stunned. "Bella, what's going on? How can you be pregnant?" I asked worriedly. "What happened?"

Her response was slightly hesitant, then she said, "Do you really need to know how babies are made?", dryly. Yes, maybe that was a dumb question. I felt my face heat slightly. Of course. Bella had sex. She got pregnant. For some reason I didn't like that at all. Actually, I _hated_ it. "Well," she continued, "then you know."

"I meant," I struggled, "how...How did you get pregnant besides the obvious." The way she cast her eyes down was so noticeable.

Playing with the tight cuffs of her sweater Bella said, "My boyfriend in Florida and I weren't that safe." She paused. "We got pregnant, apparently." Turning to me she added, "Now can you please take me to the hospital so I can get an abortion?"

I didn't know what to do.

BPOV

That was all the information Edward would get; yet. He didn't need anything else yet, so soon. He would have to be patient with me. I was still finding who I could and could not trust, and Edward was nothing but a grand mystery. I was still figuring out it all, finding out how I could deal with it. And it did not look so good.

Despite the big dose of crank in my system I felt too alert, too present, able to feel the pain in my stomach and the tears down my cheeks, with a splint in my forearm, marking my cuts. The things that showed the evidence of my pain, my depression, similar to the baby in my stomach. Sobs started up loudly.

"Bella," Edward said, undecided, then stopped. He tried again, obviously caught off guard. "Bella, you can't just get an abortion."

"And why not?" I asked, quietly, wiping the tears from my cheeks roughly. "I think I can. I mean, this"-I poked my stomach hard-"is my fault." God, was it ever.

"That's not what I mean," Edward said, shaking his head. He glanced out the window as I waited for him to tell me. "Bella," he said slowly, "how could you kill an innocent child? You...you know Carlisle and Esme may not have asked for this but they wouldn't in a million yeas turn it down. We can talk about this-"

"No, we can't!" I sobbed, sinking to my knees like the helpless heap I was told I was. "You don't understand. I cannot just keep it."

"Does your boyfriend even know?" he challenged knowingly, crossing his arms.

I knew there was no winning here. I would die before I told him to the truth, told him everything. It can't happen, I thought. And why would I anyway? What could he do? "No," I said in a whisper.

"Did he even love you?"

"Of course he didn't. He told me he did but it wasn't true. And he wasn't even my boyfriend. God, where'd you even get that from?" Edward looked at me like I'd lost it, and with everything that happened, I probably did. "Bella, you said he was your boyfriend. You said you guys had unsafe sex."

Closing my eyes I mumbled, "I came to you because I hoped you would help me. I need to get an abortion. I trust you the most here. Please don't make some big deal about this. I just need your help. Once this is done it can all go back to normal, okay? Well, normal with me here."

The sudden softness in Edward's dimly lit face was confusing as I gazed up at him. He'd still kept his distance and that was understandable. I mean, where was my right to waltz into this kind family, bringing hundreds or deep and dark secrets and a baby? Um...I don't think I have one. Then I came to the realize of the mistakes I'd made, the ones I could crush this family under. The mistakes, the pain, the tragedy. A bright family like this didn't need it. And what was the word? I was still trying to find that word, the emotion that described the connection this family had with each other. They seemed bonded, and more then caring for everyone. Was there a word for that? I couldn't find one though. _Kind_ and _caring_ seemed like understating things. They were all above that kind of stuff.

So why was Edward giving me such a hard deal about getting an abortion.

I did, I really did, want to tell him. I wanted to let it all out, every detail. But I knew better. He couldn't handle it, not one little bit. So I held the details. Could I trust him?

"Bella, I think you should get an ultrasound," Edward told me finally, quietly. "It would be best-"

"I don't want to keep it!" I snapped, rolling so I was sitting with my knees up to my chest.

"Why don't you have the baby and give it up for adoption? Its not right for you to do." I knew he was trying to keep himself calm – it looked like he was having some mental battle. He didn't like it and I knew that lie that I slipped up on would come back to haunt me. He would get it eventually, whether it slips or he just figures it all out. One way or another, and I knew none would be pleasant. With it all, I knew for sure I would be going back to Florida.

Inside, I felt like I was losing my own mental battle. Like my secret could slip any second and my world would crash down in pieces. No, I can't think about those times, I thought. I can't remember all the pain, the un-chosen choices, the force. It all hurt and stung, yet I hadn't even thought of all the pieces. I hated that what Edward was saying was making sense, hitting me in my heart. What _was_ I thinking? What was I about to do? What do I do now? I thought glumly.

Edward gently kneeled in front of me, pulling my shoulders back so I had to look at him. "Why not, Bella?" he asked slowly, like he knew what I was going to say.

"I can't have a baby," I mumbled through my teeth, ignoring the voice in my head. _That's not true! I'm lying! I've been lying to you sense I got here! There's so much you don't know._ "You must know that," I added.

A hand rubbed gently up and down my back, and I shivered, but not for the goose bumps rising on my skin. "Bella, you don't have to be so drastic about it. Think."

"I have thought," I mumbled, leaning into his chest. There was something about this position, and I was able to ignore the similarity it had to past unwanted experiences, that kept me wondering what the connection was this family had together. I was feeling oddly comforted by Edward's gentle actions to help me.

"And the best you could come up with was getting an abortion? When did you even find out?" Edward shifted to sit beside me, arms wrapped around me.

"It's the only option," I whined, sounded like a kid in my own ears. I don't want the child of _him_...I thought, and felt a hard pain in my chest. I pushed the visual out as soon as it came. "I don't have any other choice, Edward, I can't have this baby. There is no other option. It has to go." My baby...has to go...my baby. Mine. My heart was hurting in painful springs, my ribs aching. Abortion was a hard choice, but I had to. I couldn't bare...I couldn't bare look into that child's eyes and see...I just couldn't. I wouldn't be able to live with, to bare it. There was no hope in the case, no chance. The baby had to go, before it would be too late. I sighed.

Edward nodded, but I knew there was no agreement. "But Bella, I know that's not the kind of person you are," disagreed Edward. "You can't want this-"

Jaw shaking, my eyes filled and poured down with heavy tears. I gave into my emotions. "There are," I said sullenly, "so many things I can't tell you. I won't. All you need to know is that it will not be healthy for me to have this baby.

"Okay, I'm not religious, but God wouldn't bring a baby into this world if he didn't have mast plans for it. Even for woman who get raped and impregnated. A baby wouldn't be conceived if there wasn't a plan for it. Even this one." As a big, strong hand settled on my flat stomach, over my bellybutton, I jerked away.

"Don't ever do that again," I mumbled, curling myself into a ball in case he tried to touch me like that again. And suddenly, I felt violated. Again. For the thousandth time in my life, I felt violated and exposed. I didn't feel right at the given moment, like something wasn't covering me right. Edward apologized in a ramble, looking utterly confused. Weaving my fingers to interlock around my legs, I asked, "So your not going to take me to get an abortion?"

He shook his head. "No. I'm not," Edward said bleakly, blunt. "You should give it a chance, Bella. You could even have the baby and then give it up for adoption. But I know an abortion is not you." He paused. "But I'm confused. You said you and your boyfriend were unsafe and that got you pregnant. Then you said you two didn't love each other. Hell, you said he wasn't even your boyfriend. Bella, what is going on? I am so fucking confused!" His voice rose rapidly, building with words.

Struggled I said, "There's nothing going on, and of there was I wouldn't tell you. Please, just stop asking. Take me to the hospital."

"On any occasion I would." He was sounded like a father, as he stood to tower above me. "But this isn't." Edward began pacing. "I know there's something wrong," he blurted. "I can feel it. The way you do everything, sets off alarms. Something's off balance and I want to know. I can feel it'll be bad but I can handle it. I can handle everything, just tell me." When I asked him why his response came quickly, in a blurt: "Because, Bella, I know your hurting. I can feel your pain when you talk, when you do something you don't want to do, when you look at everyone around you. There's pain, misfortune. I know it. I can _feel_ it burning inside you. There are things you want to get out but can't. You don't know how. There's nothing you want more then for that to happen. But your trapped. Trapped in the past. And you don't even know how to get out. Bella, you need help – and before you flip, I don't mean a therapist. Yet." He paused, and took a deep breath in.

"I think you need someone to listen to you, to understand you," he continued. "There are things going on you don't know how to deal with. Bella, let me in. You can trust me. If your worried I won't be able to handle it, your wrong. If your scared I can't deal with it and it will mess up your world, it won't. I'll protect you. But you have to trust me. You have to let me in. Please?" He was begging now, and _I_ could sense _his_ pain. It was like a siring in my ribs, dragging to my stomach.

When I shook my head he continued, voice more controlled. "I know we barely know each other and you haven't been here long, but you have to believe that nothing good can come of keeping things bottled up inside. There's dark in all of us, Bella, you know that. I want to know what's so secret. What's your dark?"

Tears started to fall again as I pushed myself up from the floor. I turned to his gorgeous, pained face. "I have a lot of dark, Edward," I said, "and I don't know if you can handle it."

This seemed to give him relief, like it was a huge brick off his shoulder. Or one step closer. Edward sat on the edge of his huge bed and looked up me, slightly sad.

"I can handle it, and I can keep what you need me to," he promised. "Please, I just need to know. There is so much pain in you, that I have to know."

Now I was the one feeling overly stumped.

EPOV

The way she looked at the floor in indecision made me realize how close she was to breaking, but I couldn't press too soon because I'd almost broken in the brink.

Then Bella looked up sadly, breathing irregularly. Yes, there was something. And if she wouldn't tell me, I would figure it out all on my own. That would be a vow.

"No, Edward," she finally said. "I was hoping you would be understanding about this and not ask questions. Just...just leave me alone then."

I watched helplessly as she quickly let, leaving the door ajar behind her.

I was so out of line. How could I say those things? Maybe your thought are crazy, I thought confusedly, running my fingers through my hair. Maybe there wasn't anything wrong with Bella and I was just imagining things, I decided softly, not believing it. But she'd said that there was something, or things perhaps, that she was keeping and I couldn't know. So there was something, whatever that _something_ was...No, I was right. Bella had a lot of dark, just like she said. There was a lot of dark and dark problems within her, hurting her, and she didn't want anyone to know. Plus she wasn't dishing out details on her not-lover, not-boyfriend baby-maker guy. The one who made the baby she wanted me to take her to get killed. Now why would I consider _that_? Oh, yeah – I wouldn't. It wasn't right of Bella just found out and was trying to organize her thoughts, how could she be so fast and outright to decide to get rid of the baby?

My eyes widened. It had to have something to do with the baby then...I thought dreamily, but recovered when I realized that baby would be safe in her womb and not going anywhere because there was no way that baby could go anywhere-

Then I heard it.

It was a loud chain up thumps, deep bangs. They sounded familiar but not something I'd heard in reality. Only TV. I knew what happened immediately, quick.

I ran out of my room in time to see Bella land, curled and crumpled, at the bottom of the huge staircase, not moving. And I knew immediately it was no accident.

**

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**

At first, it wasn't even going to be like this. They were going to get rid of the baby, Edward was going to comfort Bella _intimately_...But then I had to add in some conflict, drama, and hints. And I love the way it has turned out in the end. Its awesome! I like it better this way!

**-Mickey. **

**R-E-V-I-E-W!!!!!!**


	7. A Wish

**I know y'all want it, so y'all getting' it. I think...more reviews are in order if you want a little bit of a secret reveal and some kind of bittersweet lemon...lemon**_**s**_**....**

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**_If Today Was Your Last Day_**

**~.~**

**Nickelback **

_If today was your last day  
and tomorrow was too late  
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?  
Would you live each moment like your last?  
Leave old pictures in the past  
Donate every dime you have?  
Would you call old friends you never see?  
Reminisce of memories  
Would you forgive your enemies?  
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?  
Swear up and down to God above  
That you finally fall in love  
If today was your last day_

If today was your last day  
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?  
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars  
Regardless of who you are  
So do whatever it takes  
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life  
Let nothin' stand in your way  
Cause the hands of time are never on your side  


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EPOV

Frozen in my spot, I looked down at the sight before me.

She looked like a fallen angel, and I hated that little connection I made. Her dark hair was spread around her like a fan, framing her delicate pale face. Her body was motionless, dead. No – she's not dead, I immediately said. Bella was the first thing on my mind, the first though, but her baby was close behind her.

For a moment, all I could do was stand there is shock and appal. I knew, it was no accident; she tried to kill herself and her baby. What kind of a person could do that? What kind of woman would want to get rid of their baby? Well, Bella did. She'd been trying to massively persuade me into taking her to get an abortion, without a viable reason to do so. You don't just go to the grocery store and kill the cashier for no reason, would you? No! And sense I'd denied that, she'd thrown herself down a flight of huge stairs, just to kill herself and the baby. Seriously, what kind of person would do something like that? Only someone with issues, duh.

Then I exploded.

"Carlisle!" I shouted, running down the stairs. That was when I felt it under my foot. Blood. Right on the edge of the stairs, imprinted with my foot, but I kept down the stairs, yelling frantically to my dad. "Carlisle!" As I gently took Bella's chin, her head fell limp to the side. I knew that was not a good sign.

"Edward," I heard my dad's sleep voice say, "what is going on..." His words trailed as he took in the sight from where to stood, at the top of the stairs. For a second he just stared, uncomprehending, until his eyes widened and he ran down the stairs. Carlisle crashed to his knees, much like I had, beside Bella's motionless form. "You didn't push her, did you?" he asked conversationally, as he peeled back her eyelids. I snorted at the question.

I had to turn my head away. "Of course I didn't," I snapped, appalled my father would even _ask_.

"Just asking," he defended himself quickly. Just then I heard Esme's groggy voice from the stairs. "Carlisle, Edward, what's going on?" She yawned, covering her mouth. Carlisle looked up at her as she glanced down. "Oh, my God!" she breathed, looking utterly horrified. "What happened? Is she okay?"

"Esme, honey, get my bag upstairs," Carlisle commanded calmly, placing his fingers on Bella's throat. Esme was long gone, up the stairs in a rush. "Oh, not a good pulse," my dad said, almost to himself.

I was shaking my head fast. How could she do this?

"Thanks, honey," Carlisle said as Esme shakily passed him the black bag. I watched as my father got to work, checking Bella over. My mom asked timidly if she was okay – but I think she meant _Is she dead?_ – and Carlisle said hesitantly that he was sure she would be fine. I knew, at this point, it was my time to intervene.

My mom hadn't moved, she was only a few feet. "Carlisle," I mumbled, barely moving my lips. When he looked up I jerked my chin to my mother, hoping to convey the message correctly. His eyebrows pushed together as he glanced at his watch, then back to Bella. "Esme, darling, please. Go back to bed. Everything will be all right. You don't need to wait around," he said gently, smiling up at my mom. She hesitated, but she knew if there was anyone to trust, it was Carlisle.

Carefully I watched her take the steps upstairs and down the hall, to their bedroom.

"Dad," I said slowly, looking at Bella's face. "Bella's pregnant."

His head snapped up, almost glaring straight at me like it was my fault. I sat there, shaking my head. What a way for this to come out, I thought. Carlisle sat back on his heels, exhaling as he ran a hand through his pale hair. Shaking his head he said, "You realize this changes everything?" I nodded. "How far along?"

Shrugging I said, "I don't know. She wanted me to take her to get an abortion, but I said no. She wasn't too happy. The weird thing is, she'd been so secretive about it. I mean, at first she said it was her boyfriend, and then she claimed it was a man she didn't love and wasn't her boyfriend."

"Maybe therapy was the way to go," Carlisle mused. As he began examining Bella's face closer I did, too.

And gasped.

"Why's her face so red, why's she sweating?" I blurted out fast, setting my hand on her forehead. She was burning up.

Carlisle hung in head in shame, pretending to beat it against something. Then he looked up at me and said, "If I didn't know any better, I'd say she's high."

"Fuck!" I shot up from my crouch and ran up the stairs. Trying to by quiet, Carlisle was calling after me, but I ignored him. I burst into Bella's lovely room, which I would destroy until I found _it_. For the record, I _do_ watch too much cable TV, so I immediately went for the drawers that I assumed contained her bras and panties.

I ripped open the drawer, not even flushing slightly as I tossed out the bras, the lacy stuff, the silky stuff, but no drugs. She can't be one drugs again, I mentally chanted as I continued in all the other drawers, ripping stuff from each one. Shirt, jeans, shorts (amazingly small, they could have been underwear), tank tops, all sorts of things. A part of me was glad she was getting comfortable here, making herself at home, but I was too pissed to really think about it. I stormed over to her bedside table, feeling like a manic myself, pulling out the drawer and searching around in it. There was nothing there, not a single thing that resembled something that could hold some drugs All the while, I kept thinking about what she'd been doing to herself right under our noses. What kind of girl did we adopt?

A pregnant druggy? What the fuck! I thought, coming across her cell phone. "No," I mumbled to myself, turning it over in my hand. "That would be _so_ wrong," I said, pretending to convince myself. "It would be so wrong if I just _happened_ to look through her text messages and just _happen_ to see what she'd been up to."

Yeah, so fucking wrong.

I flipped the phone open and went to Menu selection. I had to catch myself on the bed frame with the sight of how many text massages she'd sent off. But they'd only been recent, like hours actually. I sifted through them quickly, grasping what she was saying to this unnamed number. It had to do Bella's life, her new life, if she wanted to try something _new_...or how long she thought she'd go through the...I glared at the small screen. How long she would go through the crank.

"So she found a dealer," I said to myself, slamming the phone closed and putting it back where I found it. It took everything I had not to whip it at the wall.

As I was ready to leave the beautiful, and uncalled for, mess I made Carlisle meet me at the door. "Emmett and Alice are still asleep and your mom's going to stay, too. Are you coming or not? We have to hurry," my dad said urgently.

Lazily I followed him back down the stairs. Bella wasn't there, but her blood was. "Why do we have to hurry?" I asked casually, slipping on my shoes and following his fast strides to the garage.

"What do you mean, 'why?'" he demanded bitterly. "She just fell down the stairs and is pregnant. She even has slight vaginal bleeding." Carlisle held the back door open. "In," he commanded. "Get in there and keep her head elevated. Watch for an excessive amount of blood from her body. This baby isn't going anywhere." I was speechless as my father shoved me in the back of his Mercedes. Hesitantly I placed Bella's head on my lap, her face rolling with her limp neck. She looked dead, so unconscious. Why did I have to stay in the back with the unconscious, pregnant drug addict, and watch to see if she bleeds?

Well, I would definitely have stories for Monday.

"I called ahead at the hospital," Carlisle said as he sped down the road. "Everything's ready for her." He paused. "Edward, did you know this?"

"Know what?" I asked distractedly, absently running my fingers through her dark hair.

There was a slight hesitation, then: "Well, I guess about her pregnancy. Or...is Bella doing drugs?"

Gazing down at Bella's peaceful face I knew she wouldn't want anyone to know. "No, she doesn't do drugs. I know she doesn't. But I did know she's pregnant. She'd just told me and wanted an abortion, but she never really said why. You aren't...going to send her back, are you?" Sure, this would possibly – if the baby wasn't already gone – be a handful, with a new member to our family and then a baby, but I knew Bella didn't want to go back to Florida. Even if she did love it I could feel that she was tired of going back and forth to foster homes and adoption centers, and not being able to stay in one house for long. And I knew I didn't even want Belle to go. There was a lot I still wanted to figure out about that girl, and didn't know how, and I knew I couldn't let her go. She was a Cullen after all.

Through the ride my father gave me more detail on how to watch her blood flow carefully, and when I asked why, I was informed that, with her pregnancy, Bella could be at risk, too. That made me shut up and do as I was told. There wasn't a lot of blood – but enough to stain the backseat – so my dad said the baby should be semi-okay. Despite how glad I was that Bella's baby wouldn't be dead (I mean, a baby dying was worse than an adult dying), I knew it wasn't want Bella wanted. She would freak if she knew she was still pregnant when she wakes. She didn't want this baby, and I knew that, but I couldn't just _let_ it die.

When the hospital came into view I saw a large grouping of doctors and nurses, a stretcher beside them. They were conversing so quickly I knew it was about Bella.

Carlisle pulled right up to the curb and barely turned off the car before he jumped out of the vehicle.

Everything all happened so fast. The door was opened, Bella was taken out (and I saw all the blood from her head, female parts, and...her arms. They were bleeding, too), and she was on the stretcher and being rushed through the big front doors. There were voices everywhere, loud and commanding, shouting orders. Carlisle was at the lead of it. I was more hesitant to get out from the car, and when I did, another young male nurse got in the driver's seat. I guess Carlisle was having him do it. But before I could go in and see what was going to happen to my new sister and her baby, I took my time on a long cigarette. It was exactly what I needed, being the easiest thing to relieve the pressure on me. I had a lot of sudden pain and pressure inside now, because of Bella, but I didn't blame it on her.

She has problems she won't let on about, I thought, taking a long, sweet drag. Big problems and she won't tell anyone about them. Maybe we shouldn't have adopted some Florida teenager. We wouldn't be at the hospital with an unconscious, pregnant drug addict, for one. I had to do something about all this. If maybe this baby did die or she had to get an abortion or have the baby and give it up, I knew there were more problems than just being pregnant by someone she didn't love but had sex with. And drugs...where ever she found those bastards, there was something more than just that – I knew that as a fact. It was true.

Seeing Bella throw herself down the stairs to kill her baby meant there was something wrong, something bigger than just any accidental pregnancy.

And I would find it out as soon as she woke.

BPOV

"Oh, my God," I murmured as my eyelids fluttered open, and I took in the room around me.

It was white – everything was white. A hospital room. The ceiling was tiled and the walls were pale. A window looked over a blank scene. But what caught my attention was the irregular beating. Something was beating unsteadily in the room and echoing in my ears, off the walls. Was that my heart beat. Squinting around the room, looking for the source, I realized what it was. No, it wasn't an irregular beating; it was two heartbeats. I saw the monitors but couldn't make the clearest sense of it. I'm alive? I thought. No, I couldn't be. I killed myself, I threw myself down a flight of stairs. I was supposed to be dead. As I tried to sit up...

I realized I wasn't getting anywhere.

Lifting my head up enough to get the sight, I gasped. My forearms were covered in thick gauze, white spotted with red. I slowly set my head back down, getting rid of the spinning feeling, and exhaling heavily. They knew. They all knew now. Obviously the fall had cracked them open, I thought. But that wasn't what also held my attention. I was handcuffed to the bed. Silver rings were around my wrists, occasionally rubbing uncomfortably against the sensitive forearms, locked around the side railing, preventing me from ever getting up. What the fuck? I tried wrestling with the handcuffs, scrapping my arms against the edges and frazzling and fraying the gauze. "I have to get out of here," I mumbled, straining against everything. I had to leave. _Now_. But then I suddenly stopped.

No, I didn't have to get from these handcuffs to leave the hospital – I had to leave this world. Instead I moved my arms back and forth, sawing at the thickness on my cuts. It was working. It frayed out, cut off, loosening my arms. I nearly broke a sweat working. There were lots of footsteps and the sounds of wheels moving down the halls downstairs, but I ignored them all because they weren't coming close to my door. I struggled harder, and it all happened so fast.

The door swung open as blood started to seep down my arms and drop onto the white blankets. I didn't see it all happen. I was held down by people, whose faces I couldn't see, and the beating of the hearts became weirdly louder and frantic. I felt an even weirder pain in the pit of my stomach, but I kept trashing hard.

"Isabella!" The voice was full of authority and familiar. "Isabella, stop! Stop fighting right this instant!" Still pulling my arms, kicking my legs against the nurses and two police officers, I focused my eyes to the voice at my flailing feet. Carlisle did not look impressed. Well, of course he isn't, I thought. "Stop!" he shouted.

"No!" I snapped, kicking my legs. "Let me go – let me kill myself!" I was already revealed with the cutting, so I didn't care if I mentioned it. I wanted to die, I had to die. I was worthless of everything in this world, and I'd been told that enough to believe it. Suddenly I started sobbing, forcing my struggles to go weak.

That seemed to make the nurses back off a bit. "Bella," Carlisle said, keeping his voice soft as if he was trying to persuade me, "just calm down and we can talk."

With a deep breath I slowly stopped my flailing limbs and nestled my head back in the pillow. The nurses left, but the police officers stayed around, lurking around the shadows. Carlisle took a step forward, and I vaguely noticed the way the double heartbeats slowed back to normal. What the hell was that? I thought.

"What's that noise?" I asked tiredly, closing my eyes.

"What noise?"

"The beeping, beating one? Like heartbeats?"

"Well, that's exactly what it is," Carlisle said. "Its your heartbeat and your baby's."

My eyes flew open, startled, before I broke down sobbing. No, no, no, no. This baby had to be gone, I couldn't have _this_ baby. It was not an option. I just couldn't do it, I couldn't bear it. That was already clear, and looking into Carlisle's blurry face, I realized I didn't have an option but to keep it. But I had to try. "But Carlisle, I can't have this baby," I admitted, wiping my wet cheeks on my shoulder because I couldn't bring my hands up to do it. "Carlisle, I really can't."

"Bella, we're here to help-"

"You don't get it," I snapped, lurching forward like I was going to wring his neck. "I _can't_. I don't want to remember this baby. I just want it out of me."

"But Bella-" Carlisle began to complain.

"No, I want an abortion," I said evenly, before looking down at my wrists. "Okay, why am I even cuffed up anyway?" I asked, annoyed.

Carlisle sighed as he checked the monitor beside me. "Your considered a danger to the baby. Bella, I saw your arms, all those cuts you made. Why?" he asked hopelessly.

Uncomfortably, I shifted in the hard bed. "Because I don't want to live," I muttered quietly. "I don't deserve to live, and I have to leave this world now. I'm worthless. I want to go back where I belong, somewhere where I won't be lost. You should have let me die," I insisted.

This seemed to shake Carlisle a bit. He paced the room and took a few beats to answer.

"Bella, that's not the kind of man I am," he said calmly, "and I won't allow your baby to die, Bella, even if it's the right thing. I can't let that happen. Your part of our family now, Bella, and we can't let you go anywhere."

I looked down at my chest. "Every family I have ever been with have told me I would be a part of their family forever and I wouldn't be going anywhere. I've been switching with families for years now, and its made me depressed, okay?" Maybe it was time to own up. "Carlisle, I do want to be part of your family, but I don't want to bring all this drama into your family's perfect life. Your all so connected and...and I don't ever know the word for it, but I can't fit into that. My parents killed themselves to get away from me and I don't know the meaning of a family. I don't know how to care of someone or act like I fit in somewhere. I don't deserve to live." _He_ told me that many times, and I believed it to a tee.

It was like Carlisle caved, like he saw what I was getting at without saying it. I was still keeping something else, but I already knew that he knew about the drugs – he had to. I was high when I threw myself down the stairs after all. And now he knew I was pregnant though he didn't know why or how. He didn't need to be aware of the past parent I had, what I'd done. They were my personal scares.

"I'll set it up in an hour, enough time for the drugs to wear off," Carlisle mumbled, starting for the door with the police officers. "But Bella," he stopped to look at me. "There will be no more drug use in my house, all right?" he asked softly. "I don't want you getting high or cutting yourself. We'll figure something out later."

"Um, can you take these off?" I asked before he made it to the swinging door, gently jiggling the silver cuffs. One of the officers hesitantly unlocked the cuffs to free my wrists. They oddly hurt as I rested them on my stomach with no relation to the fetus. "Thank you," I murmured sullenly as they fled the room, but my adoptive father reminded me to keep my hands off the gauze. I complied easily. Again I was alone in the small, white room, thinking slowly though it all.

I knew it was the right thing to do, to get rid of the baby, I mean, even if no one knew why. I still remembered the violent torture it was to come about this baby.

But soon it would all be done, gone with. Maybe then I could finally move on with my life and become someone I didn't think possible.

**Okay, its kind of fluffy, maybe a touch of sweet fluff, but I'm loving it. Its getting so good. Sorry it took so long, but I kind of put it aside of a little bit, so. My bad! It was a bit of a short chapter, but the next will be long and will have the abortion hopefully...and some Edward...I can promise _that_....**

**Review!**

**-Mickey **


	8. The Findings

**I've had this for a bit now, but I didn't have the time to update...but now I have, so you can be happy!**

**I hope to LOVE it!**

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EPOV

Bella was awake and she admitted to throwing herself down the stairs. Now it was my time to talk to her. I also didn't have much to hold against her, besides the drugs, because she'd fessed up a lot. Carlisle told me she wanted to die, she wanted an abortion, she cut her wrists. I felt oddly responsible for everything.

I couldn't believe I'd never seen it before. Bella's depression had gone further than just wishing her life was different and mourning over how bad her life was; she was cutting herself and hoping to die. She wanted to kill her baby. She wanted to have that baby inside of her removed by force and not even give it a chance. If anything she was not the woman thought she was. My new sister wasn't supposed to bring so much drama into our lives like this, there shouldn't have been things like this happening. We should have been a big family moving on through life together, but Bella was messing that up. Don't get me wrong, I didn't blame it on her, but this just wasn't right. It surprised me that I was actually not liking the idea that Bella was pregnant – that some guy had touched her like that.

Please tell me that's not jealousy, I thought as I pushed open the door to her room. Bella had been asleep for four hours, and it'd been decided that the baby would be born with problems. I also felt bad for Bella, but not so bad that I wouldn't press the truth form her. I knew there was something in the past...

Bella lay on the small bed, staring up at the ceiling blankly. When I entered and closed the door behind me, she looked up and I saw the annoyance in her face.

"Hey," I said emotionlessly, pulling up a chair beside her bed and sitting down. I relaxed back, silently letting her know I wasn't going anywhere and we had a long talk ahead of us.

"Hi," she whispered back mutely, tilting her head back up. I was shocked when she continued. "I bet you hate me now. I mean, I've come here and just fucked up your perfect, little family – you can't want me around much more." Bella turned her dark, sad eyes on me. "That's why you have to tell Carlisle to send me back."

"Why do I have to?" I snapped, leaning forward. "Did you ever think that maybe we're keeping you around because we love you and want to take care of you?"

Bella looked taken back. She glared at me. "Love doesn't exist," she said bitterly, stiff. I just stared. For a moment she thought, then continued on. "My parents killed themselves because of me. If love existed I would be with my parents. I wouldn't have been in foster care and adoption centers and different homes...not be..." She drifted, like she didn't want to say it. Maybe this was the truth I'd been looking for, the truth I'd been wanting to know and press on.

"Bella, that's the thing," I murmured, leaning even closer to the bed. "I don't want you to go. We're family. No one of us want you to leave us, Bella, and love does exist. Its here, between us, between each person in my family. We all love each other and your apart of it all. Don't think for two seconds that your not."

I could see that these words seemed to puncture in her, but didn't know if it was negative or positive. A tear formed in her eye and feel down her cheek. Poor baby, I thought as I wiped the tear away. Her eyes closed like I'd caused pain. I exhaled, knowing that wasn't the case. I felt too bad for her and I didn't even know why?

"Bella," I whispered, "tell me what's going on. Please." I was begging breathlessly, and I hated giving in to anyone.

"I...I can't," she sobbed, trying to turn but the monitors and wires interfered. That only seemed to upset Bella more. A flash of anger settled in her eyes and she started to reach for the monitor attached to her stomach, but I grabbed her wrist.

In that moment I felt electricity.

A hollow-stomach, hot sting sprinting up my hand to my shoulder, causing me to floor. Even Bella looked a little taken back. Had she felt it too? I thought curiously, holding on to her hand tighter than before. Yes, there was something there. Clearing my throat to distract that sudden feel, I tried to persuade her again.

"Bella," I said softly, "why...do you cut your wrists?" Her eyes looked down at the fraying, blood-stained gauze. I pressed her even more, "You can tell me."

"Its nothing," Bella murmured, almost to herself as she gingerly tugged from my hand and touched her other forearm.

"No, its not," I disagreed smoothly, trying to persuade her easily. The last thing we needed was for her to not trust me – that is if she already did not. "I know there's something more, Bella. What is it? Why did you do this?" I gently traced a finger along the rough gauze. "Its obvious your depressed," I continued, "and you've been doing drugs and smoking. Now your pregnant and will be getting an abortion. What's the meaning of it all? I really don't get it." I paused. "And I hate it."

"Do you hate _me_?" she asked quietly after a moment.

"Of course not. How could you even ask that?" Did she really think _I_ would be mad that she wanted an abortion, or do drugs or even smoke?

"Because, Edward, I've come in your family's life and messed things up. I've fucked up every perfect aspect of your guys' life. How could you _not_ hate me?"

I shook my head. "Bella, our life its far from perfect. We all fight, we swear and curse each other out. We steal each other's stuff and physically fight. We get grounded and sneak out. My parents don't want me smoking but I still do. We are far from perfect and you don't have to be. But your taking it a little too far. Drugs and smoking while being pregnant – even if you did want to get an abortion, its still extreme. And throwing yourself down the stairs-" I stopped to shake my head again. That was some experience there. "Well, that was almost your death." It had to be making an impact on here, what I was saying. I hoped it was.

She sat up straighter, looking on the verge of crying. "Edward, I want to die," she whispered flatly, leaning closer so I could hear. "I want to leave this world. I'm not worth anything here, and all that needs to happen is for my death to come. That's all I want. Its all I need. Just please..."

I stood up, startled. "Are you asking me to kill you?" I demanded breathlessly.

"No no no," she said calmly. "I'm saying you shouldn't have helped save me. This baby," her hand lingered on her stomach for a second, "isn't worth anything either. I know that'll sound harsh, but...its evil. Yeah, that'll sound crazy too, but I can't have a baby like _this_. Its wrong. You don't understand, but its so wrong and cannot be done. Understand that." Bella paused and looked up sadly. I'd never noticed how beautiful she was until now, because she really _was_. "I have a very bad case of depression. Its horrible," she whispered. "I hate it, but I can't stop it. Its made me cut myself and do drugs and smoke and drink...I have all these bad things in my life, and I'm bringing them into your family. I don't want you guys to end up like me or my family." She picked at a piece of white gauze.

But I still didn't understand how she could become so depressed to resort to all those horrible, deathly things. She could have killed herself with slitting her wrists, and drugs and smoking aren't good at all. I wondered what had happened that would have that big of an effect on her. Bella should have known it wasn't her fault her parents killed themselves, and she didn't have to follow in those steps. She didn't have to wish to die or cut her wrists. I had to show her that somehow.

"Bella, its not your fault they killed themselves." I knew she would know who I was talking about. I just hoped it wouldn't make her have a horrible breakdown. If there was the one thing I could not deal with in this world it was hormonal, emotional teenage girls. How do you do deal with one having an emotional breakdown?

"But it is," she disagreed. "They didn't want me so they took the easiest way out. Edward, you don't know. They didn't want me. Its all my fault, and no one else's."

After a moment I said, "But I can't understand if you won't let me in." Then it was her turn to pause. I was on edge for her answer, hoping it would have what I wanted.

"Why do you care so much?" Bella asked curiously. "Why do you care about me, about this baby, about what's going on with me? Do you really think I'm worth your kindness or care?" Did she really think she was so low in this world?

Instead of answering I paced around the room to gather my thoughts. Did I tell her the truth, or would she think I was lying no matter what I said? I looked out the window for a few beats, over the bland scene of Forks. So simple, so green. I heard the bed squeak as Bella shifted her weight, so I turned to face her, walking to stand beside her bed. Placing my hands on the side I leaned forward, inclining toward her face so we were only inches. Her chest stopped moving for a second.

"Because I care about you," I said, voice low. "I care about what's hurting you, what's going on that you don't want to tell anyone about. Your worth it."

"Am not." It sounded like she was having a hard time speaking. "I am not worth anyone's time," she said.

"I wouldn't be in here pressing you for information if I agreed with that," I told her evenly, leaning back against the wall. "And I am, so spill it up."

Bella laughed slightly. "Cute," she commented, "but I'm not saying anything."

"Why are you getting an abortion?" I asked anyways. "Why is this baby not important to you? Why's it evil?" That was an odd word to describe a baby.

But before she could answer – but I doubted she even would, judging by the look on her face – a male nurse pushed open the door with a wheelchair. Fuck, I thought. "Isabella, are you ready?" he asked. "Its time."

I turned to glare pointedly at her. Bella looked at me sadly and almost in indecision. Then she turned to the nurse. "Yes. I'm ready," she mumbled, looking down at her lap. I exhaled, but what could I have expected? That she would keep it because I didn't want her to carry that guilt with her for all the coming years? Because I cared that much. So before the guy could unhook the monitors and help her into the chair, I placed my hand on the back of her head and pushed her face forward, pressing my lips to her forehead. "You can do it, Bella, "I whispered against her skin. I could feel her worry. "I know you know your doing the right thing."

Smiling slightly at her shock I stepped back so she could be lifted from the bed. Our eyes stayed in direct contact as she was released from the wires and gently placed in the chair. As I began to follow them out the door Bella turned around. Naturally, the nurse stopped.

"Edward," she whispered and confessed, "I trust you. I'll tell you everything after."

Its a promise, I realized as I watched the man wheel her away, getting my final look of Bella with a baby.

My foot tapped against the floor at a rapid pace as I waited. I didn't like to wait and I knew this would be a _long_ wait from the beginning. It was only ten minutes later when Emmett appeared. He sat down heavily beside me and exhaled.

"How's it going?" Emmett asked emotionlessly.

I shrugged. "Its okay, I guess. I'm just so worried about her..." I sighed. "But I guess it helps that Carlisle's doing the abortion. Maybe then she'll be more comfy."

"Is she scared?"

"She sounded like it," I said. "I don't think she'll be too good afterwards. I mean, she'll probably have some kind of breakdown." I rubbed my hands on my thighs impatiently.

"Someone's been waiting too long," Emmett teased, relaxing back in the chair.

Annoyed I groaned. "Don't you have some blond bitch to fuck?" I snapped, standing up to pace the empty waiting room.

"Nah, she's shopping with Alice," Emmett said with a shrug, ignoring my comment. "But maybe you need someone to fuck," he offered, squinting at me. I flashed him a deathly look. "I think you really care about this chick," Emmett continued on. "Like maybe too much."

"Its called caring," I snapped. "I'm worried about what this abortion will do to her in the end. I care that she'll be hurting. That's it."

"Okay, okay." My older brother shrugged, like he didn't actually believe me. With another annoyed and impatient sigh I fell back in the chair.

"So, where's Alice and Esme?" I asked after a moment.

"Alice is so upset, so she did what she always does when she's sad – she shops. Rose went with her, and Mom's home. She's just...she's sad because this wasn't what she wanted when she adopted Bella." Emmett shrugged, pursing his lips. "She was kind of hoping that Bella would actually keep the baby, but when she figured out it would be deformed beyond repair, she just cried. But the whole cutting thing was just pushing her limits." I raised my eyebrows at him in shock.

"They aren't actually thinking about getting rid of Bella, are they?" I blurted out quickly.

"Wow, calm down, Eddie. Of course not. They want to help her, but Dad says he doesn't know how much they can do without therapy or a mental institute."

I groaned, shaking my head tiredly at him. "She's not crazy," I said quietly. "A mental institute is too much. It will only upset her more."

To my surprise, and annoyance, Emmett laughed. "You sound like you've known her for years," he said, like this entitled him to be a total dick about it. "She's only been here for, what, a day? Maybe two?"

That was a point I never even thought about. I sat back, stunned. Wow, it _had_ only been a short time. It was only yesterday – well, it was two days ago now, that she came to Forks. And all this stuff happened in such a short time. It was around nine the morning after Bella had gone down the stairs, so that made her a part of our family for two days. And all this just happened so fast. The reveal of her odd pregnancy, the drugs and smoking. Her cutting, too. All so fast, revealed fast.

"I know her better then a lot of you guys do," I mumbled, looking straight ahead.

"Okay, Edward," Emmett said dismissively and finality. "But just remember, your not related to her – you guys aren't actually siblings. You can have her."

Emmett and I were told to go home a bit after that. Carlisle sent someone to tell us that. It meant I wouldn't get to talk to Bella as soon as I wanted. Apparently she had to stay over at the hospital that night so she could be monitored after the abortion and for her blood levels from the cutting. So I left reluctantly.

Alice and Rosalie came back home late, while Alice's boyfriend, Jasper, Emmett and I were drinking beers. Esme went to the hospital to see Bella, hence our ability to drink. I still wondered what kind of state my mom was in. It was hard to tell though. The three of us sat on the couch, half-watching a football game and talking.

"Okay," Alice started, dropping a huge load of bags in the center of the room and racing us. Rosalie sat down on Emmett's lap. "So, I bought Bella a huge load of clothes."

"Yeah, Alice," I said, faking gentleness, "Bella isn't into clothes. She won't be too impressed."

"Well, I'm aware of _that_,'" Alice snapped. She began picking up random shirts, showcasing them and setting them back down. There had to be around twenty. "As you can see, all short sleeved. It's a new rule, said Dad. She can't wear anything with long sleeves on it, and if she does, she has to be able to show her arms if we ask."

We all exchanged looks. "Alice, your crazy!" Rosalie said with a laugh. "You made all that shit up yourself. Don't blame it on others."

"Yeah," Jasper agreed, "that's ridiculous."

"Not if she wants to kill herself!" Alice wailed, pouting like a child.

I exhaled, keeping my thoughts to myself. "Alice, she will have the gauze on for a long time," I told her. "And someone will have to change it. Chill out, give her space."

"Easy for you to say," Alice snapped again, picking up her bags with a sarcastic look in her small face. "She likes you!" I laughed. "She does! Your, like, the only one she ever talks to!" Alice continued, pouting even further. Then she stopped and dropped her bags again, crossing her arms. "I don't care what any of you say, but she will not keep cutting herself. You can help me distract her from it, one way or another."

Uh-oh, I thought. I may not have known what entirely got Bella started, but I was sure that she did not like the attention Alice already showered her with, and any more would push Bella over that edge all over again. Maybe I was the only one that could keep her from doing it. I mean, I didn't want Bella to keep it up just as much as Alice did, but I had a more pronounced idea of what Bella would want – even if it wouldn't be entirely what she wanted. I had the better chances now.

"Alice, maybe you should let me watch out for her," I offered gently. Emmett choked on a laugh. Dick, I thought, looking right at Alice. "I mean, you did say it yourself," I continued tauntingly, "she does like me best."

That night I was out on my balcony smoking as usual, and I wished Bella was there to smoke with me. Now I just felt bored. I puffed away, looking up at the midnight moon and wondering how the whole abortion thing went. I knew Bella would be due for some kind of breakdown when she returned, but knowing her vaguely, she would hide it from everyone. The only thing I hoped was that it wouldn't push her to cut again. Alice had been worried about the same thing. I'm sure we all were worried about the same things recurring to Bella. I think I was worried more, though, because I knew she was also addicted to drugs.

After about two cigarettes I made my way to Bella's bedroom silently. Everyone was asleep and I hoped no one would wake.

The room was still a mess from my rampage last night, and I didn't think to cleaning up the mess. I knew what time is was, what I had to do now. I quietly closed the door behind me and flicked on the light, lighting the beautifully destroyed room. I immediately went for her cell phone again and flipped it open. I'd planned to look through the messages but there was a new massage alert on the small screen. I stared for a second. "That would be so wrong," I muttered sarcastically, turning the phone over in my hand. "I really shouldn't look at things that are none of my business...but frankly Bella _is_ my business," I decided, flipping it open.

It said "a new message from James". James, I thought, shocked. I'd never heard that name before. I opened the message with a deep breath, wearily.

_Date tonight?_ it read. My skin crawled as I stared at the screen, hating the words for what they meant. "Who is this dick?" I breathed to myself, closing the message and looking through the history. Bella had been talking to this guy for almost a day, not that long, but they shared a lot of messages. They'd planned a date that night, while Bella was in the hospital. A date? I thought. Why didn't I like the idea of Bella dating? I hated the very idea of her being intimate with a man.

Giving into my impulse, I wrote _Sorry I didn't get back 2 u, but I'm 2 busy _... "To even give a shit about you," I added aloud as I set off the message.

I was shocked when it was returned in only a few seconds, while I was still looking through the messages. _OK, hopefully soon, babe. _I wanted to gage.

Suddenly, I realized what I was feeling.

I was jealous of this guy.

* * *

**Odd? Interesting? Mysterious?**

**All of the above!**

**Review, and PS...she does get an abortion. I'm sorry! :( you'll understand in time!**

**-Mickey**


	9. The Homecoming

**I made it very long for you all.. but it was going to be longer, actually...but this way, I would have somethigng to start the next chapter with! **_

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_

_Life is unpredictable,_

_Life is a mess._

_People say God created us to show passion,_

_Some say God was bored._

_I believe, with personality, the life forms are deranged._

_People forgive, but they never forget._

_People love, but they never fall for it._

_People hurt, but they never tell anyone._

BPOV

Well, I'd told him I promised, and for the most part I kept my promises. It all wound to the fact that it was time. Time I couldn't keep anymore secrets inside.

When I first came to Forks, Washington I thought it could be a new start. To get away from the old, bad memories, and start new ones. Happier ones, and carry on with my life – or, technically start it. But then things started to happen. Cutting had been a part of my life for years, as had drugs, because it took the pain in my heart to another place. It helped me get through the pain of my life, and with my last parent, it had all increased. I cut regularly and deep, and he even knew it; he just didn't care. That's why the Cullens were a lovely step-up family for the last house, and I felt something from them that I couldn't explain. It was strong.

There was something about Edward Cullen that made me trust him. At that first day, I _wanted_ to trust him, but I couldn't force it. Then he started to show the weirdest thing the first night I was there – he actually seemed like he _cared_. Cared! No one had even showed how much they cared of me in my entire life like Edward had in one day. It was weird and surprisingly, and I still didn't want to believe it. But it was there. He wanted to know everything – and everything was a hell of a lot. I didn't know if I was ready to let it all out though. The walls I'd put up to keep those memories away had cracked a little, slowly but surely, when the cutting and drugs had been discovered. But if I let all those memories, the painful, horrible, hurtful ones come by I would have those walls broken down.

Laying in the hospital bed, armed in blood-stained gauze, I was trying to block any memories I could come across. I can't think about it, I told myself weakly, looking around the room. Gosh, it was too white. I looked out the window. And its too green out there. But, to be honest, I liked the smallness and isolation of it.

After a few minutes of silence I sat up on the creaky bed and pulled the tank top over my head. I was finally ready to go home – _home_, I repeated the word. It was unfamiliar, and yet I liked it. Carlisle had told me Alice was here a good ten minutes ago, I probably shouldn't have kept her waiting. We were now two days after my abortion, and I felt a weird wave of grief when I thought about it. But I knew it was the right thing to do. I couldn't just know that that child lived in this world somewhere...It hurt to think what I could have given birth to. I didn't like the thought of it. I'd taken long at the hospital, and a part of me hoped Edward would forget. But I think I knew he better then to forget to press it on. He didn't want to know – he _needed_ to know. I could feel it, I knew it like common knowledge.

I didn't know it I was completely ready though, I disagreed as I slowly started down the white hall. (I didn't like the looks I go from people when they saw all the gauze.) I mean, I hadn't even told my...my boyfriend, I guess you could call him, about any of it. I think it was too personal for something like that yet.

I let out a sigh. James. We'd only been able to text back and forth quickly because we hadn't known each other long, and I preferred to _not_ talk to him on the phone here. It meant I didn't know him one hundred percent well, but he seemed like such a sweet guy that I started smiling. But that didn't last long.

"Bella!" Alice threw her arms around me like we hadn't seen each other in a few years, much less a few days. My heart started to heart. What was she thinking about me now? She'd made it quite clear in the past, on many occasions that she was happy to have me as her sister. I wasn't what she thought of me, obviously.

I forced to hug her back, ignoring the pain in my stomach and arms. "Hi, Alice," I said weakly. What was the point in hiding my emotions anyway?

Either she was oblivious to how I was feeling, or she was ignoring it. "How are you feeling?" she asked hopefully. "Better? Worse? Sick? Maybe hungry?" I had no time for answering. "Guess what, Bella? You don't have to start school until next week, isn't that great? It was my idea, I just thought you might want some time to get yourself together and all. I mean," Alice laughed, "getting an abortion has to make you feel pretty shitty. And that cutting..." She shook her head.

For a moment, I just started. How could she be so outright about all that had happened? How could she not even ask if _I_ wanted to talk about it? Because I didn't. I wanted from his place, back to the Cullens – seeing as there would be no death for me – and try to be normal. All I wanted! And it was too much to ask. "Um, Bella," Carlisle interrupted, poking his head out from a door, "may I speak with you for a moment?" Alice sighed with annoyance, but claimed she'd wait for me outside. I wasn't too thrilled about it, nor was about this "talk". I'd known it was coming from one person or another – or a few – but I didn't know when.

What it was about was a total different story, one I didn't want to look into. What if they were sending me back? Were they going to get rid of me because of all the drama I entailed? No, I actually couldn't go back to Florida. There were risks there, and I didn't want to take them, I realized slowly. I wanted no part of it.

"Have a seat," Carlisle said, gesturing to the single chair across from his grand desk. He settled into a puffy chair behind the desk with an exasperated sigh. For a second, all he did was twirl a pen as I watched my lap. Then Carlisle sighed and shifted to look at me. "Therapy starts Monday," he admitted emotionlessly.

My head snapped up and I stared at him blankly. Then I slowly started to understand better. "Why?" I squeaked, breathless. All my life I'd lied to shrinks that were thrown at me, and they all fell for it. Why was I now the one that had to be trust at another old, perverted shrink, who had to brain of a two year old?

"It has to stop," Carlisle murmured softly, leaning forward with his eyes on my bandaged arms. "There's so many," he mused, shaking his head slightly. "We can't have you living with a depression like this, because if it gets worse and we can't stop you..." He left me to think about it. "Please go willingly."

"It won't be willing," I said dryly, crossing my arms like a stubborn child. "I'll go, but you won't be happy with the results."

He overlooked the comment. "Why didn't you say something?" he asked curiously. "Why didn't you tell us about your depression, and the cutting? And the baby." The last part was whispered. I shook my head and said, "Because the baby wasn't a plan. It was a surprise." My eyes lingered on my stomach a second too much.

Technically, the last part was true and false. The baby was planned but it was a surprise when I found out. Carlisle peppered me with a few more little questions, and I answered bluntly or completely ignored them. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to know what he thought. So I left after a minute. By the sounds of it, though, everyone knew. They knew of the cutting – Esme was going to change my bandages when I got home – and the pregnancy, and the abortion. But no one was clear on the drugs part though. A part of me hoped I could keep that little detail up, to get rid of some tension. Being in a car with Alice meant no time for quiet or thinking; I listened to her babble, but I didn't know what about. All I wanted was to be back at the Cullen's house, and I my own bedroom. Alone.

But that just wasn't going to happen.

When we arrived, everyone was there, even Emmett's girlfriend and Alice's boyfriend, all trying to act nonchalant. I could feel the way they stared and whispered, but they tried to hide it. I saw Edward quickly, briefly, and I couldn't read his expression, but we silently agreed that we would talk later. Like we had some kind of weird connection; now was not the time. And there was nowhere to go that there wasn't _someone._ At one point, I was in the kitchen and I didn't think anything of it when Emmett strolled in to look inside the fridge. Emmett's always hungry, where's the weirdness in that? But then Alice tried to follow me to my room, and when I claimed I wanted to be alone, maybe have a nap, she dragged me from the house to the movie theatre with Jasper Whitlock, her boyfriend. I suffered through an hour and a half of bad comedy – it was the only movie left, and Alice wanted to distract me somehow. I knew that's what it all was. Distraction.

"Why don't we go swimming?" Alice asked eagerly as I tried to make my escape. I sighed, standing back on my heels. I could just barely see the living room, and all five figures were leaning in our direction. "Or, no!" she continued on. "I could show you the clothes I bought you! They're awesome!"

"I just want to go have a nap," I snapped, storming up the steps. Protection – that's also what it was. They were all trying to protect me, because Alice followed. Of course I didn't get far in slamming the door before she was in my room and towing me toward the closet. My stomach started to hurt. I tried reminding her that I was supposed to talk this whole..._life_-thing slow, but she said I would be fine. Like a true fashionista she modeled all the clothes, the store in which she purchased the item and the material. I was annoyed as hell with her. But, really, it all would have been fine and I wouldn't have snapped had she not said it.

"You know," she said conversationally, "it was a girl." Alice picked up a sleeveless – like most items – dress. "Pure silk-" she started.

I interrupted harshly, "What do you mean, 'it was a girl?'" I started breathing heavily, hoping she wouldn't say what I thought she was actually going to.

Her voice was too matter-of-fact for my liking. "Your baby. Carlisle told me it was a little girl." She shrugged. "I don't know."

Blood seemed to heat my face and run cold in my veins. How...how could she just _say_ that?! Just casually mention the child that was conceived against my will -- ! I stopped the rage though, when tears started to run down my face. No, don't think about it, I chanted, standing up from the floor. I stifled a sob.

"Alice, get out," I said as calmly as possible. Her eyebrows knit in confusion as she dropped the dress. When she started to protest I cut her off. "Get out."

"But Bella, why...?" She pouted, looking stubborn.

"No!" I shouted, like she'd actually said something to offend me and push me to shout. "Get the fuck out of here now! Now!" I screamed like a maniac, like a physco until she ran from my room. It was probably only a matter of time before she sent someone else to distract me or watch over me. But I didn't care.

I couldn't take it anymore! I couldn't take one more second of this! I ripped at the new, thick gauze, praying open the layers to expose the pale, marked-up skin. Sobbing made my body shake as I rummaged through my bedside drawer for something, anything sharp. Should I have cared that I'd just gotten out of the hospital for a suicidal attempt? Probably – but did I? Hell no. I had that weird feeling in my stomach, like something was missing, or it was pain. And that pain had to be put elsewhere. There was nothing, I realized. They'd cleaned out my stashes of sharp objects. I fell to my bed, breathing like I just ran a marathon. No, this couldn't happen, I thought. There has to be something that could do the job. I had to get out of this life, once and for all. There was no point in living, taking room.

With a sudden burst of thought I ran for the new backpack sitting across from me. Alice claimed she'd bought it for school, and stocked it up. If it had what I needed, I wouldn't be going to school on Monday. I wouldn't be taking another breath in this world again. My hands fumbled with the translucent green sharpener.

Once it opened, with tears dripping down my face and irregular sobs wracking my chest, I tore at the blade inside the pencil sharpener. It was the perfect item no one would have thought of, one no one would have considered dangerous. I stared at the blade for a moment, taking in the silvery sharpness of it all. It was the perfect death blade, the perfect way to go. So what if I wasn't going in a way that would show respect for anyone, or in the place of anyone? It was just me.

Slowly I traced the main vein on my right wrist with my index finger. The thick green vein seemed to be calling my name, whispering. I placed the sharp corner to my pale skin, an unmarked area and paused. I'd never cut so far up before; all of them at least circulated around that one vein. Now, I was slightly scared about this. What would death be like? Surely I was going to hell, so there was no question there. But would I suffer? Would I be in pain? How long before I'd be gone?

As I shook the thoughts, the ones that could probably coax me to living, I pressed the blade in so it dipped into my skin, and a small bead of red formed. It slowly seeped down the side of my arm, like a slow death, as I watched with the blade paused. The pain started then, a light sting, dimmer then a bee's. As I went to finish the job, I heard it. The hard, fast thumps of feet on wood, rushing closer. My heart started beating and I froze instinctively.

"Bella? Bella!" The voice was frantic and familiar, getting closer as the line was repeated more and more. And all I did was sit there, frozen in the state of putting the final pieces of my death together. When I realized the blade wouldn't move, that I wouldn't not be making a single action to hide the evidence. So I had the blade pressed in my arm, blood dripping down slowly from the arm to my pants and the blankets under me, when Edward barged in. He only hesitated a moment with the scene in front of him, before closing the door quietly behind him. Those perfect green eyes looked intently at my face, and I saw the frustration and slight annoyance flit across the beautiful pale planes of his face. But they were gone in seconds when he leaned against the closed door and pinched the bride of his nose between two fingers, like he was tired. He did look a little tired, actually. Edward still seemed frustrated, maybe even slightly fuming from the stilled scene.

Finally, the blade clattered to the floor, and I exhaled like a weight had been lifted. Sense when was that supposed to be a relief? I thought, confused.

"Okay," Edward finally sighed, shaking his head and rubbing his face as he strode to the bathroom, conjoined to the room. Suddenly, I felt ashamed – and that was more surprising than usual. I'd always been ashamed of my life, every little aspect to it, but this was a new amount of shame. An overload.

For a second, all I did was sit there with blood dripping from the very small cut, while I heard rummaging in the next room. It had to be about a second later that Edward appeared carrying unidentifiable objects. I knew one was a fresh roll of crisp white gauze. I watched, inspected every inch of Edward as he approached me, keeping up a facade of disapproval. I shied away from it instantly. His face, still glorious, was shocked, confused and frustrated. And yet he was still helping me.

Edward set the products on the floor and kneels down swiftly. He stared at the dripping blood. "I don't get it," he whispered after a moment, hushed.

My throat felt oddly thick. "There's nothing to get," I muttered roughly, ignoring the stab in my stomach. There was a lot, but it wasn't east to get.

He exhaled, blowing warm breath against the flaming cut. "There is, and we both know it," he disagreed, voice oddly flat and soft. "Its just a matter of time before you tell me what your thinking." I didn't respond. His emerald eyes raked over the blood smearing my pants and the bed under me. I was shocked when I saw that there was blood _everywhere_. It hadn't looked like much, in prospective, but it was on my hands, my forearms, my shirt, maybe even my face. It looked like I just got back from some battle, or I just murdered someone. Either way, it looked sinister. For the first time _I_ wondered what _he_ was thinking.

I rubbed my eyes with sudden fatigue, and I could feel blood on my face. I groaned in annoyance. I didn't know I was capable to bleed that much. Edward looked up, curious. "Do you need anything, Bella? Something to eat or drink?" he offered softly, caring. I rubbed my eyes again, tired and upset, even slight confused.

Sighing, I realized there was no way I was just going to end my life tonight. "I..." I started unsurely. "I think I just need a bath." How I could faze from having death on my mind to wanting a bath, I had no idea. But it was straight up true. Maybe it would calm me down more and think rationally. I mentally snorted. Edward nodded in understanding as he went back to the bathroom and retrieved something. He bent in front of me again, and when he held onto my wrist to steady the shaking, blood started to cover his sleeve and hand. When would it stop? "Sorry," I whispered, as it smearing on the white dress sleeve.

"Don't worry about it." Edward rolled up the sleeves to the shirt with a flash of a crooked smile. I was liking the way he looked with the rolled up sleeves. "It will stop, Bella, don't worry," he reassured, paying attention back to my forearm. Edward looked like he was in his element, so I asked if he knew what he was doing. He smiled and laughed once. "Carlisle has taught me a lot, and I sometimes help out at the hospital he works at. I'll be going to university for medicine."

This shocked me more then it probably should have. A doctor to be, I thought appraisingly. "Wow," I murmured, wishing I could bring myself to say more. He smiled slightly and nodded, but I could tell he was still thinking about the scene he'd walked in on. But if he actually was, he didn't show it – he continued to work on my bleeding arm. He started applying something that stung it and he apologized when I jumped and gasped. Then there was something thick, like a Band-Aid, going over the cut. The strip covered to full arm, and he repeated it to the other, covering past marks. I asked, "What is this stuff?", gesturing to my arms.

"Its to protect your..." he hesitated. "Um, cuts from the water. Hopefully it will help with the water."

For a moment, all we did was sit there, staring at each other. Edward had fixed me up so easily and wordlessly, that I wondered what he was thinking. What could he think of me now, after what he'd seen and heard? _Despondent. Inferior. Murderer. Slut _– that's how I was thinking about it. That's what I was in the end, how it all came down to. I just killed _that_ child. I tried to kill myself on numerous occasions. Depression is how I've lived for year after year, never taking a break.

I slowly stood up, and felt a weird gash of pain in my abdomen. My face twisted in the pain as I rubbed at it with the heel of my hand. "Ow," I muttered, shifting.

"You'll be in some pain," Edward murmured, rising to his feet gracefully. He had a good foot on me, I realized. "It won't last long though, so don't panic."

Nodding slightly, I started to walk but lost my footing, feeling oddly wobbly. Edward caught me before I had the chance to make it to the ground, gripping my elbow and wrist. My head spun oddly. "Um, thank you," I murmured, blushing slightly at my clumsiness. "Er, Edward, could you, um, help me?" I asked, hesitantly.

No more words needed to be spoken, because he understood. He knew what I was asking of him and there wasn't an ounce of apprehension. Edward is probably the least perverted man to ever walk this earth. But the most respectful, gentleman to ever walk it as well. I learned that when he said he would help me, in that soft velvet voice.

EPOV

Even though I didn't understand her, Bella was probably the one woman in the world I respected most. Some quality about her I couldn't identify, I felt that simple..._yes_ factor. Like I would never put down something she ever asked of me. But, in reality, I had said no to her already. I bitterly recalled the abortion I had neglected to take her to, but she had gotten anyway – after throwing herself down a set of stairs. Which reminded me, she had yet to explain that all to me.

"Be careful," I whispered as I grabbed her hand to help her into the thick white bubbled laying atop the warm water. With that undeniable respect I felt for Bella I did not have gross thoughts on my mind at her naked form. I only cared about getting her situated to her liking. So far she seemed fairly at ease.

She settled into the Jacuzzi bath, swarmed in bubbles to cover her whole body. Bella's dark hair was pulled back into a high ponytail and she looked absolutely beautiful submerged in bubbles with her shoulders showing and her hair up. I couldn't help but notice how stunning she did look. For a second all she did was stared down at the building bubbles, before a small smile slowly spread and she looked up. The smile grew wide, like I was missing something totally different.

"I like water," she explained soft, kind of flat. "Living in Florida has those kinds of...perks, I guess you could say. Water is my favourite thing." Bella smiled again, using her hands as cups as she swopped them and gathered handfuls of bubbles. Bella's beauty was like nothing before – the way she was submerged in the white foam, with her shoulders and upper arms exposed...her dark hair falling in her eyes...it was like a commercial in play. She was something else.

I leaned forward, perched on the toilet seat. As much as I didn't want to ruin how happy she was, we didn't have all the time in the world – especially sense I had this horrible nagging feeling in my gut. Her chocolaty eyes were lit with child amusement as she played with the thick bubbles atop the water. "Tell me?" I asked.

It was all I had to say, to ask. She sighed, looking down at her arms, where the bandages protected her cuts. I think she was trying to get her thought in order. I couldn't even fathom how hard this had to be for her, how she had to feel. I mean, I knew very little of Bella overall, but I have a feeling there was more than just depression and cutting and drugs. A deeper, sharper pain, that cut her hard with each move, each thought. That had to be it, I thought. Internal pain.

When she started speaking, I was surprised she actually did.

"My family was always so together," she started, kind of casual yet flat. "It was only my mother, my father and I who lived in Florida – I've never had blood-siblings before. It was always just the three of us, and we were so happy." A delicate hand smoothed over the surface of a collection of rainbow and white bubbles. "But I was young," she added, her tone becoming more bleak. "I didn't know what was happening behind closed doors. I recall that night very clearly. I remember it all. There's nothing sweet or happy about it. Its actually a vey horrible thing." Bella's eyes flickered to mine for a second as she started building up the foam.

"I was in my room, in Florida, playing as usual," Bella said gravely. "It was getting late, and by age eight, I knew how to get ready for bed myself. I was playing on the floor when I heard a crash. It was like a million different bottles and windows being caved in. I figured my mom could take care of it, so I didn't both go an check on it. When my mom didn't come get me for about another hour, I went to get ready myself. Like any ordinary nigh, without my mother's help, I got dressed, cleaned and washed. I tucked myself in that night, thinking that if my parents wanted to say goodnight, they'd come to do it. They didn't so I went to sleep." She paused, and that was when I realized how I was hanging onto every word. "I remember," her voice turned shaky, like she was going to sob, "the sirens, the way the blue and red lights ran through my window. It was weird. It was like fireworks, there were so many police cars. The ambulances gave it away in the end.

"Something happened to my parents. I knew that immediately. I was still awake in my bed, blank in shock, when the police came to find me. There was relief on all their faces as one carried me out, telling me everything would be okay." Bella laughed without humour. "Nothing was okay. I was disoriented by the lights and the number of people in the house suddenly, everywhere. It made no sense, though, to why so many people would be here in the middle of the night. No one ever told me what was going on, but when the officer carried me from the house, my Aunt Jenna came running to me, hugging me and kissing me and crying. That just made me more confused. There wasn't a bit I understood, and no one told me anything until I was twelve. My parents killed themselves." Bella's voice was more than dead and I even saw physical pain on her face and body. "They overdosed on drugs taking with alcohol. They did it o purpose." The tear falling down her cheek made me want to reach out to her. "They didn't want me or care about me," she whispered, almost pleading with me to understand. I tried to listen closely.

Bella took a deep, steadying breath. "That immediately depressed me. That was probably when the depression started, and it only got worse. Aunt Jenna didn't want anything to do with me either – she put me in foster care when I was eleven. It was hard, adjusting to it all, because I didn't even want to be there.

"Years and years I spent jumping homes," Bella told me, breathing heavily to keep everything in check. "I lived in homes with ten kids, twenty kids, two kids, melting into the backgrounds of families. No one ever liked how quiet or non-verbal I was; they pretty much ignored anything about me. Like I lived in the shadows of these groups of kids. I never got close to any family, because after a few, I realized it was nothing permanent. There was one family, though, that I got kind of close to with one kid. He was slightly older than me. He was dealing drugs and that's how I got into it. He sold me crank when I needed it. Then one day he got caught, but didn't even rat me out." I could see she still puzzled over that. "I was taken back to the foster care a week later, so I never saw him again.

"How long I stayed in families was never determinable. It could be two weeks, two months or a year, but never more. My stays were usually around five to seven months. I was getting used to it. It was like I just ghosted by in life. No one talked to me, no one cared for me, no one...helped me. No one has ever seen me hurting," she admitted, playing with a clump of foam. "But you have." Bella looked up to meet my eyes. "And your right – I am hurting, and nothing can stop it."

* * *

**God, Edward is such a sweet guy. If only we all could have one!**

**Well, in my head I've been thinking about the sequal...and I can't stop! I promsie you all it will be ah-mazing!**

**Review!**

**-Mickey!**


	10. The Words

**Well, you all should love me for this. Its a long chapter _and _this is a quick post! Well, I'm pretty proud. The words oddly seemed to flow for this one, thanks to the last one! Enjoy.**

_Serpents slip into the night hoping you won't put up a fight._

Tempted to do the unthinkable crime  
wanting to fill their lonely mind.

In the darkness they invade your space  
unable to notice your tear streaked face.

Nights are filled with silence and pain  
wanting to hurt them just the same.

A frightened child you've come to hold  
a secret that's afraid to be told.

What's your thoughts that make this sane?  
I wish you could feel all my pain.

Pay attention you might not see  
the hurt you've caused inside of me.

Trembling in fear don't make a sound  
go to your place alone you have found.

Stand up and fight don't be afraid  
your silence inside will only turn to shame.

Lies that were told to hide the truth  
only to destroy your innocence of youth.

Do you pretend to live the lie  
or shut the door to the pain inside.

Bound by chains from the past  
the key there for you to grasp.

I give you my word to forgive  
If only you could feel the guilt I live.

* * *

BPOV

_"And your right – I am hurting, and nothing can stop it."_

Edward had the look of intrigue and confusion. "Bella," he said reasonably, "it can stop—"

"No, it can't," I cut him off calmly, listening intently to the frizzy sounds the bubbles made under pressure. He waited. I sighed, because it was time to get into the one part of my story that I had tried so hard to forget, to build walls around. I'd tried, and I'd failed for it. There was no other answer then the truth. I exhaled, and jumped from the cliff. "About two years ago, I was adopted again from the agency," I started slowly, locking eyes with Edward. "By a man. He didn't bring his wife with him, or any kids, so I didn't know what kind of family I would be living in..." I shuddered, then continued. "He was very young, so I guessed he didn't want to pester with little children and just go straight to the teenage years. It didn't make much sense, though, looking back now. It _didn't_ make any sense to me.

"It took a day for things to settle completely, and I was taken to his home. At first, when we were talking at the adoption center, he seemed very nice." I made a face. "He didn't have a wife or any kids. I guessed he was lonely. He lived in a really nice part of Jacksonville, but even that didn't lift my depression. At that point, I was in a deep and dark place – my own personal hell. Dark, consuming, pressing..." I trailed off for a moment, shivered, playing with a huge piece of foam. "My cutting was very bad then, and I was doing drugs, too—"

"Did he know?" Edward interrupted softly, leaning forward with interest I couldn't understand.

You just wait and see, I thought. "No," I said bleakly. "He didn't. But he did find out." I shook my head. "But he never cared," I admitted. "Edward, this is where it gets really bad, and if you don't want to hear it..." Truth be told, I didn't know how well I could tell it without trying to kill myself. That may have sounded slightly outlandish, but it was true. This story...it wasn't something pleasant, and I didn't know if Edward was up to it. Could he even be ready to hear any of it?

Edward shook his head, shifting to get comfortable. "I want to know," he said, full of conviction. Then he paused. "Does it have to do with the, um..." He stopped.

I knew what he was asking. "Yeah, it does," I told him quietly, pushing the falling bubbles back up my chest, to cover up more. "A lot, actually."

"Will you have a breakdown?" he whispered lightly, inclining so close we were only inches. His breath brushed my lips, and I exhaled quickly.

"Yes," I admitted after a second, truthfully. I let out another shallow, shaky breath, and continued. "I was hoping this would be the end of the house-leaping, but I knew it would be awkward – living with a man, I mean. But that was a sacrifice I was willing to make. He drove to his house, all the while making normal talk.

"I never suspected anything. I mean, he was very nice. A very kind person," I admitted, my throat feeling oddly thick. "We got to his house – it was completely normal and ordinary, nothing special – and he showed me around. Everything was ready for me there, and I felt at home. Then," I sighed, "it started."

"What did?" Edward whispered, before I could continue.

"Reality!" I snapped, taking the anger for myself out on him. "God!" I flailing my arms, gesturing to get the point cross. "It was all just as act. The kindness, the conversations, the promises, the schooling – it was all bullshit. And I fell for it. I fell for it because I'm so damn gullible!" For a second I pouted, before looking up at the ceiling to calm myself. Here it comes. "His name's Vincent," I blurted in a fury, feeling my body tremble in the water. "He didn't want me for anything but sex."

It was the sharp breath that had my looking back at Edward. He looked green in the face, like what I was saying was making him nauseous. "Bella," he started.

But I continued without fault.

"That night, the first night, he said I was married to him – that we were a couple. That was the first time he raped me." My voice choked up. I decided quickly skip over any more details and get to the point he wanted. "He wanted me to bare his children, too," I admitted quietly. "Edward," I looked up at him sadly, tears falling down my face as I thought about the one thing I had not thought about in almost a month. "I have a son," I murmured.

He started at me, and I willed him with my eyes to understand. After a moment, he laughed once, a choked sound. "You have to be kidding me," he said. But I heard the way his voice cracked – he believed it. He knew it. "Are you serious?" he mumbled. I wondered if he was talking to himself. "That's...can't be."

"Vincent raped me about ten times a day," I continued, tears falling uncontrollably. "He kept me as a sex slave, to clean his house, and bear his children. He wanted a boy and a girl." I looked up at the ceiling, blinking to keep the sobs from surfacing with waterfalls. My voice felt dead, sullen, and wisped with pain. "I conceived a boy nine months after moving in with him. He didn't want me to get pregnant too fast, because, as he'd said, he wanted to have fun with me before we had a baby. I had to take care of the baby all day, while he was working, once it was born. One of his friends was a doctor that came by the house to check on me and the baby, and when it was possible to have sex when I healed, Vincent went back to raping me. I lost four more babies, because he abused me. I'd stopped the drugs and cutting when I found out I was pregnant, because, at the time, I knew he was _my_ baby. Even if he wasn't planned and was conceived against my will. I was the one who housed him, the one who gave birth to him, and the one who nourished him." I let a sob out, avoiding Edward's eyes with my blurry ones.

It took a minute for me to continue, being choked up with emotion. "I kept losing the babies late in the pregnancy, and Vincent was getting annoyed with me. I thought he was going to kill me a few times. He did abuse me, though. Once he hit me when I breastfeeding him. Vincent left a mark on his head and blamed it on me." I was just barely getting the words out because of the heightening sobs. "I kept losing the babes because he kept hitting me and slapping me...and it was always so late in the pregnancy that he always asked if it was a boy or girl when the baby was taken from my body. They were all boys," I sighed. "It didn't please Vincent in the slightest. The raping always increased when I lost a baby, like he was determined to get me impregnated with a girl. It never worked."

I exhaled shakily, wiping away tears with a sudden flare-up of anger. "My body is just so damn stubborn – I couldn't even get pregnant with a girl! I almost lost my life because of it. And then, one day..." I started, but stopped short. A taste of tin irritated the back of my throat. The memory was hard and bitter, and left a horrible ache in my chest. I swallowed before I could lose my track. "Then a little over a year later, he got rid of me." I choked on a further explanation, but I had to get it out. "I remember I was feeding my baby, still breastfeeding, when Vincent came back from work. Well, I thought he was at work. He was really settling last bits for the move. He came in with a group of scary, bulky men that started moving boxes. I knew we were moving and I was so worried about it all.

"I was sitting in the rocking chair, gently rocking my little baby, and as he finished, Vincent came up to me and took his from my arms. I asked him what he was doing, and then, when he started putting the baby in the carrier with that look on his face, I knew that was the last time I'd ever see my baby. And I was right," I mumbled dryly. "He took my baby with him and moved away. He left me back where he found me, at the foster home. I haven't seen my baby in months."

That was all it took.

The tears came uncontrollably, the sobs matching them. My baby, the one who'd been forced on me, should not have had to grow up like this. I wondered what had happened to him, what Vincent had done to my little boy. He would be a year in less than a month, and I wouldn't even get to see it. It wasn't fair! I hadn't even known that until now, that I'd been tricked. I would never see my baby again. And maybe by the time I did, he wouldn't be a baby anymore.

When I looked up, I saw that Edward was crying, too. It shocked me, though, how he could feel that emotion from my story. For me, and my long lost baby.

I struggled through my breathing and sobbing to add in, "Y-you walked in...on me trying to...kill my...self. I-I've tried to kill my...myself may times be-cause of what I...I've let happen. A-and just letting...my baby be taken...from me." That first night, back at the foster home without my baby, I had cried. I'd cried all night and the following day. But then, I just melted back into silent depression. This was the first time I'd cried for what had happened – and here I was, sitting in a bubble bath, naked, confessing to my new brother about it all. That seemed to hurt even more. I didn't feel as violated with Edward as I had with Vincent.

"Bella, its not your fault," Edward said through his tears, calmingly, leaning forward to push the hair from my eyes. "Not your fault," he repeated.

"But it is!" I whined, flopping my hands in the water. "If I would have had any sense I would have gotten out of there with my baby!"

After a moment, Edward answered. "Maybe its time for you to get out," he suggested, holding out a big, white towel. I nodded mutely, grabbing his hand to pull myself up. Gently, he wrapped the material around me, placing an arm around my waist he helped support my weight. I carefully placed a wet foot on the tiled floor as he led me out of the warm bathroom, and into the cooler bedroom. I shivered in the cold air. I mumbled, "I'll be back," as I quickly went into the closet.

Shedding even more tears, I noticed the nice volume of clothes sitting on selves and how crowded the hanging space was. Alice had done some shopping, I realized, feeling bad for my actions against her. I shouldn't have said that, I thought, grabbing a pair of boyshorts and a tank top. I quickly slipped them on, and, huddling my arms around my torso, I walked back to my bedroom. Edward sat on the foot of my bed, face dry and blank, as he watched the floor.

"Can I ask you something?" I whispered. I stood in front of Edward, and he looked up to meet my eyes. He nodded. Suddenly I was feeling lightheaded and needed to sit down. "Alice...Alice told me something," I started unsurely, but stopped. I took a deep breath. "Edward, was it a girl?" I blurted out quickly.

He looked up, his green eyes in shock, which quickly turned to anger. "She told you?" he asked in a hard voice, narrowing his eyes in distaste.

"Yeah, shouldn't she of?" I snapped, appalled that he hadn't wanted me to know.

"No," he sighed, his voice a mix of pain and annoyance. "She wasn't supposed to. Alice and I were outside the room waiting, and then a nurse came out and mentioned that it was a girl. I told Alice not to tell you...because I knew it would be harder if it was a girl. Bella, I'm really sorry."

I broke down again, feeling a hard rip in my chest. This time, Edward held me close in comfort. I wiped a few tears away, wiping the rest on his shirt.

"Bella, if you don't mind my asking," Edward started softly, after a moment, "what was his name? The baby's, I mean?"

I smiled sadly at him. "His name is Gabe," I said quietly. "I've always liked that name." Vincent had actually let me name the baby when it was born, surprisingly.

"Did he even let you out of the house?" Edward wondered. I would have snapped at him for his interest, but that was what his voice was full of. Interest.

"No," I told him, calming down my breathing and getting my sobs under control. "If I had to go anywhere he went with me. I couldn't actually go to a hospital, though, to be checked out or to give birth. His doctor friend always came over and checked on everything. Gabe was perfect," I sighed. "Because I couldn't go out the hospital – Vincent was worried about me being in public places – I didn't give birth in a hospital. I went into labour when I was sleeping one night, and, God!" I laughed without humour. "It hurt a lot. Vincent called his friend, and at 5:16 in the morning of November, 13th, Gabe was born on the couch in the den."

"Bella, I didn't know," he whispered breathlessly.

I shrugged. "No one does," I said bleakly.

"So, then, that baby was Vincent's?" I noticed the weird way he said Vincent's name. With hate and anger.

He didn't mean Gabe. "Yes," I mumbled. "He wanted a girl so bad." Then it hit me. "If he hadn't gotten rid of me so fast I could still be with Gabe," I cried. "He would have known I was pregnant with a girl." That hurt even more. Vincent wouldn't have taken my baby away and moved states if he'd known I was pregnant with a little baby girl. Maybe if I'd given what he wanted everything would have eventually fallen into place – my babies and I could live, while Vincent would be in jail. But as far as I was concerned Vincent was not in jail.

Edward pulled me closer to his side. "Bella, you can start new," he murmured to me. "You can forget it all—"

"No I can't," I muttered sullenly. "I have a son out there, and I don't even know how he's doing. What if Vincent isn't taking care of him?" I whimpered.

His arm around me pulled tighter. "What's his last name?" he asked gruffly.

"No!" I nearly shouted, panicked. "No, you can't! He'll be mad at me...and Gabe..." I shuddered when I thought about what he could do to a baby.

"You don't even know what I'm thinking," he said guiltily, with a guilty expression. He already knew what I was thinking about what he was thinking.

"Your going to do something involving the cops, that's what," I said fiercely, pulling away. "Vincent loves that kid," I added quietly. "He wouldn't hurt him." I forced myself to think about the times that Vincent had gazed at Gabe with loving eyes, despite how that child was conceived. Through rape. He'd raped me until I'd gotten pregnant with his baby. He still loved that little, precious baby boy. I hoped that was still applying after these months of my absence with him.

Edward didn't press it, but we did keep talking. He wanted details, and I did do my best with it. I told him what Vincent had done to me, sexually and physically, the rules I had to bide by. How, one time, he came back to the house during his work hours because he needed to get off. I'd had to give him a blow job, then he raped me again. That was when I was four months pregnant with Gabe. I told him so much, so much that I hadn't even thought about and things I hadn't even considered that I felt. Of course I cried about everything that I told him, and I'd never felt so much friendship before form anyone. He comforted me, constantly telling me it wasn't my fault. The descriptions with the cutting and drugs got a little graphic and...well, descriptive. He cringed a few times at things I said.

When I told him about where I got the drugs, he made me promise to stop. "But its not that easy," I told him. My voice was hoarse from crying. "I had to quit when I was pregnant with Gabe – its so hard to do." And it was. I'd had to increase my diet to keep the urge to slip away. My baby was on my mind.

"I can help you," he promised. His voice was so full of that positivity that I had to look up and stare. Edward's gorgeous pale face tilted down. "I can help you," he repeated. "We'll kick the addiction easier then you think." I asked him how he figured that. He shrugged. "Easy – I'll keep your mind off it."

I laughed darkly. "I've been doing drugs for the greater time of my life. I really doubt that it can just _stop_." I made a face. I did want to quit, very badly actually, but I didn't know how. Drugs weren't a healthy thing, but it was the only thing that could help calm me down with the hectic of my life. Could I do it?

"Well, not just _stop_," Edward said hastily. Before he could in another word I let out a large yawn. He looked down at me, his eyes cleared from the hard emotion. He looked more amused. "Well, we can talk about it in the morning," he suggested. "I should let you sleep." I agreed quickly, nodding slowly, yawning again.

I crawled up the messed up bed and snuggled under the blankets. I felt very odd, being in this bed with Edward standing beside me. It felt foreign. I still felt the weight of the conversation pressing on my shoulders – I mean, shouldn't it have been lifted when I'd confessed everything? I really didn't know. Edward changed my bandages again, quickly, and I marvelled at his helpfulness. I didn't get how he could be so kind and generous to me after what I'd told him. He had to be thinking some very horrible things...But I never saw any apprehension or wondering or any horrible, negative emotion. Just normal, natural facial expressions.

"Bella, I know it was hard for you to tell me, but thank you so much." Edward half-smiled. "Its good to understand. You make so much more sense now."

I laughed weakly, surprised. "If you say so..." I mumbled, unbelieving.

"Do you even feel even a little relief with telling me?" He quirked an eyebrow.

The blush that covered my cheeks, I didn't understand. "I don't know," I admitted. "It just stirs up unwanted emotions."

He nodded, and I wondered if he actually did understand. "Goodnight, Bella," Edward said softly as he headed for the door. Slowly and unsurely I pushed the blankets off my body and sat up. "Um, Edward," I said hesitantly, biting my lip. The light from the hall and the clock – that read one in the morning – were the only lights shining into the room, as Edward had already turned off my light; I could hardly see his face, but he looked so handsome. His voice was so velvety.

"Yes, Bella?"

"Um," I stopped. Then took a deep breath and blurted, "I really don't want to be alone tonight. Could you stay with me?" Saying _Could you sleep with me?_ didn't seem right. I bit my lip again, worried about his response. I really didn't want to be alone, in case I did wake up and have a breakdown. Already thinking about my baby had me feeling oddly full and swollen, and if I had dreams, memories, about what he looked like. Gabe's hair, as dark as mine...I rubbed my chest as I felt the tightness constricting inside me.

"Of course." Edward's voice was so light, so comforting that the ache lessened slightly. His lean yet bulky figure closed the door, the room almost completely submerged in a dark mass, and I heard his approaching footsteps. There was a slight pause next as I crawled back under, and then the bed shifted with the new weight and I exhaled, ignoring the weird déjà vu. Edward groaned as he got situated. I pulled the blankets up, closer around my chin.

Then, breaking that feel of déjà vu, Edward wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest. That was nothing like when Vincent had crawled into bed with me. Well, I hadn't even asked Vincent. I immediately shook those thoughts, because I didn't want to compare Edward with Vincent. Edward was no Vincent.

I feel asleep fast, pressed against Edward's smooth, bare chest.

The night was kind of restless, but I managed to get enough sleep that I wasn't angry toward the sun. I'd woken up at a decent enough time, and Edward was sound asleep. I didn't want to disturb his perfect, sleeping form, so I just lay there, next to him, silent. I hope I can trust him, I thought ponderingly. He'd already kept my drug addiction a secret so this all probably would be, too. I mean, being kept as a sex slave to bear children isn't something you go around telling people.

"How did you get pregnant so fast?"

The voice started me. I jumped, my head jerking to the sound of the voice. Edward's hair was a gorgeous flurry of bronze locks, a crooked smile playing his lips.

"What?" I laughed. My mood felt oddly lifted and I felt almost..._giddy_.

"Last night you said you lived with him for a year and a half – how did you have one child and lose four?"

I paused, looking up at the ceiling like the answers were up there. "When I'd been there for one month I got pregnant, but lost the baby after three months. He started raping again, soon afterward, and I got pregnant again. I lost him after five months. Then I had Gabe. Then, very close together, I lost two more after."

"That's sad," Edward said thoughtfully.

"And emotional," I added quietly. "It was hard because every day was a constant battle. The abuse, the raping, having a baby to care for, being worried of his mood...It was like an emotional rollercoaster." I shrugged. My mind flashed to the small images of Gabe that were fresh from behind locked walls.

"What was it like?" he wondered casually, conversationally, staring at me. "Giving birth, I mean. If you don't mind telling me?"

For a second, I thought. I didn't like remembering what it was like. I took a deep breath and recited my memory.

"I was sleeping," I began. "It was getting harder to fall asleep and stay asleep because of how uncomfortable my belly was. Gabe constantly kicked. For about a day I'd been having weird pains in my lower back, very uncomfortable, too. Then I woke at one in the morning to a horrible pain. It was like nothing before. I can't even explain it. Labour pain is the worst thing in the world. At first, I was just going to go back to bed and hope it pasted, but then my water broke. It soaked me through and through. I go terrified because that meant that it was finally happening. That I would have a baby – my baby. By that time I was screaming in pain.

"Vincent heard me and came running, phone in hand. He called his doctor friend and lead me to the couch. I was in a horrible amount of pain, and I couldn't even have an epidural. I had to stick out the pain the old-fashioned way. What annoyed me most was the fact that Vincent acted like we were a couple. He called me 'baby' and said that he loved me. I didn't get it – I still don't." I laughed once. "I was in labour for five hours, and Vincent had a group of his friends over. It was gross. I was almost on show every time the doctor checked to see how far along I was. I was fully dilated at around 5 a.m. and I had to start pushing. That was harder because I was doing it natural. I honestly thought I was going to die, it hurt so bad. But then, at 5:16 a.m. Gabe came into this world.

"The last thing I heard was the doctor telling me to give it one last push, and then I heard his cries. It was probably the most beautiful sound in the world, and I'd give anything to hear it again. He was covered in blood, but perfect. Flawless. I guess all mothers feel like that for their babies, though." I shrugged. "But Gabe... he was the most cherished thing in my world. I didn't think I could ever feel so...so...feeling so _much_ for him. He was like gold and just perfection..." A single tear rolled down my cheek, and I felt Edward wipe it away.

"I didn't mean to make you cry," he murmured.

"No, seriously, its okay." Was that even a lie? "I haven't really thought about any of this stuff. I've tried to forget it all, and...I guess that just doesn't work."

"You haven't thought about your son?" It wasn't an accusation, just curiosity.

I shifted. "I've tried not to," I clarified. "I mean...a guy raped me for over a year and I had his child. Then he tosses me away and moves to another state with my baby!" My voice rose rapidly. "Of course I've tried not to think about it. It was my own child taken from me." I let out a breath, feeling oddly unbalanced from that.

There was a slight pause beside me. Then Edward sat up. "Then why'd you get an abortion?" he asked, confused. "If you feel so strongly about Gabe, then why'd you kill his other baby?"

"Because," I whispered brokenly. "It opened the wounds that I'd closed up from Gabe. It refreshed every memory I didn't want. When I found out I was pregnant, Edward," I sat up, too, getting upset, angry and frustrated, "I immediately remembered the way Vincent strapped me to the bed and took everything I had. I remembered the way he told me he loved me, then raped me and hit me. The way he talked to me like he were having sex, and one didn't have domination over the other. I recalled the way he tricked me," I added, more calm. I sighed and played with my fingers. Edward just looked shocked.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

I exhaled. "Don't be," I disagreed, groaning at my emotions all over the place. "I just...its all so hard." I sighed. Everything was so hard – it was too hard. Sure, I had thought that I could put everything behind me, and then, Edward wanted to know everything so I told him...and the memories were like cold slaps in the face. We talked a bit after that, once I calmed my sudden anger. Edward was something else, I was realizing. He cared so much, he questioned with curiosity but not judgement – he even held me when I had a few meltdowns. It felt oddly good to have a shoulder to cry on, and I still did wonder what he was thinking.

It was a total struggle to get free from Alice, after I'd apologized to her. I told her how sorry I was and that I didn't mean any of it, though I wondered if that was actually true. I mean, she did hurt me by telling me that my baby had been a girl. I shuddered as I thought this. But it was the only way to get free of that house.

Of course I did not mind the house or the people, but everyone was acting like satellite dishes. They moved when I did, they – supposedly inconspicuously – joined the same room I was in. After Edward and I officially got up, and made a show of coming downstairs at different times, to prevent thoughts form forming, I was watching TV when Emmett casually walked in. That annoyed the hell out of me, so I went into the kitchen to see if I could help Esme with the breakfast she was making. Even if someone was in that room, Esme was far less annoying them Emmett. Every room I went into someone was there, acting "smoothly".

When I was changing in my room – and began to get ready to swear at the person pacing in the hallway – my phone rang. With a ten minute conversation, and the confession that I was having a bad day, James invited me over for a few hours. Eager to get out of the house, I told him I'd be right over. And I didn't realize the flaw with that until I'd hung up. "Fuck," I muttered, wondering if Alice would drive me sense I'd apologized. I probably would have asked Edward – that is if it hadn't felt so wrong, and made me feel like I was doing something guiltily. Or maybe Emmett would take me, I thought with sudden hope.

As I was pulling the long sleeved white sweater over my head, the door swung open, and Alice stormed in like a force of nature. I resisted the urge to swear at her.

"Hey, Alice," I said, almost moaned in annoyance. Before she could say a thing, I asked, "Alice, could you drive me to a friend's house?" Whatever she'd come to say had derailed my mind, and she stared in shock. I finished getting dressed, ignoring the fact the tight sweater rode up my stomach. "Alice?" I pressed.

She let out a breath I didn't realize she'd be holding. "You have a friend here?" she asked in shock. "Who? What's their name?"

"Stop being so frantic," I snapped, sighed, then tried again in a calm voice. "Could you please?" Alice's eyes looked over my outfit, and I swear I could have hit her.

"Only if you wear these black stilettos?"

* * *

**Its a typical Alice move! Anyway, I'm sure your just itching to review, so press that pretty little Review button, and do it!**

**-Mickey**


	11. AN

**Well, a quick post for An Intense Dark Side. I knew I owed you all something and I'm having a bit of a block with it. Its just a little scattered in my head. Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon!**

**Check out my other stories, too!**

**-Mickey**


	12. First Meeting

**I know, this chapter took so long. But the date was giving me a hard block to bypass!  
I am so sorry I skipped on starting with quotes...I was getting so distracted and forgetful! But to make it up to you, this one has one, as well as the next chapter, which has been started. **

_I need the sun, I knew to see something bright,_

_But I know I'll try everything to pull myself under,_

_With all my might._

BPOV

"Okay, Alice, you aren't my mother so don't be so protective." I didn't really like making references to my lack of blood parental units.

"I just wanted to know," she defended, almost whining. "I'm being _kind_." She said the word like I was a child, and I scowled. "And I didn't drive all the way to Port Angeles to drop you off at some random person's house and not know what time I have o pick you up! So, when is it, cupcake?" she demanded.

"Midnight," I grumbled reluctantly, slamming the door loudly behind me. "I'll be here – count on that!" Alice called out the window before speeding off in that bright yellow Porsche. I rolled my eyes before turning to face the apartment building in front of me. It was in one of the bigger areas of Port Angeles, the one with the taller buildings surrounding it. It was made of brick and very tall. James and I had texted back and forth none stop sense that first day he gave me his number, and I'd become surprisingly comfortable around him. Even over the phone he was hilarious. I couldn't wait to finally get together with him for real. For forever our only connection was a small, bright screen. I didn't even know what he looked like!

_Well, we had exchanged a few pictures..._

To say I was nervous was an understatement – I was freaking out! We'd communicated so well over texting and email, but in reality? I was never very good at communicating with other people or really holding much a conversation, especially with strangers. Would James be some kind of exception to that?

I realized in seconds after he let me into his apartment, he was.

We talked and talked and talked, and yet, three hours later, there seemed to be so much that we hadn't touched on. I was seventeen and he was only twenty-three years old – not much of a real difference. His apartment was probably the cleanest I'd ever seen a man own – it was nearly spotless and tidy and just..._ beautiful._ We sat on the comfy cream leather sofa, torsos turned to each other and talking. This was probably the safest I felt in years.

"So what do you do?" I asked, pulling my legs up to my chest and looking up at him. Oh, yeah – and he's not too hard on the eyes. Actually, James is damn sexy!

He smiled. "I work for my grandfather. He owns Alec Enterprises," he informed me. I just stared at him, my lips tight and shaking my head as to silently tell him I knew nothing of what he spoke of. James smiled again and chuckled once. "It's the biggest active company in Port Angeles at the moment," he added.

"Oh," I said, drawing out the word. When he asked me in return, I guess assuming I had a side job, I had to choose my words carefully. "I will be starting high school on Monday actually," I told him, crossing my arms and feeling the thin bandages on my arms. They were still sour memories, and a great wave of depression showered down on me with a sudden hard pain. I shifted with the abruptness of the emotional shift.

"You must be excited," James guessed, slightly amused.

I snorted. "Not even close. Actually, completely terrified," I admitted, smiling down at my lap. "I've never even been here – I don't even know what the school _looks_ like!"

He laughed. "I'm sure you'll live through it," he disagreed. "You said you have two brothers and a sister, right? Well, there you go. They'll take care of you." I nodded, feeling a little comfort in that new knowledge. I hadn't even considered what advantage Emmett's and Edward's muscles could have for my first day of school; Emmett definitely was not someone to mess with. "So who are you living with again?" James asked curiously. "I might know them."

"Um, the Cullens," I said, paused, then added, "In Forks, though."

At first I figured he wouldn't have a chance at knowing the family, but then I gawked at his reaction.

Yes, James definitely knew them.

His eyes – that had previously been happy and bouncy – darkened and his jaw flexed, before turning taunt and hard. I'd always thought of the Cullens as good people – with the exception of Alice's persistency and Edward's tough love – but maybe I didn't know them as well as most did. Sure I hadn't been here that long, but I did know the Cullens to a certain extent – like the fact they all meant well, even if that's not how they came off as. Alice was bubbly and helpful, but could be over the top; Esme was caring and sweet, while Carlisle was caring and sweet _and_ firm as a father; Emmett was wild and funny and crazy. And Edward was...well, Edward was different. He had a sort of "don't give a shit" air about him that made me _want_ to be around him, and he had a certain caring nature about him that wanted me to know more about him. Briefly, I realized that Edward knew more of me then I did him, and that hardly seemed fair.

Could I have been wrong about the Cullens and what I'd saw and thought of them? But how could that even be possible? I knew exactly what the Cullens were like and that they had the most sweet air of them. Whatever had James's face contorted into anger and frustration was way out of line.

"What's wrong?" I demanded. "They're nice people." I felt the need to throw in the last part for their own sake.

"They're something else," James grumbled, looking somewhere over my head. He shook his head, letting out a short breath. "But whatever," he said dismissively, waving a hand. "It doesn't matter."

That was the only time we ever did touch on that subject, and it seemed so sensitive from that single time. What had they ever done? Nothing, and I knew it.

After about an hour of more little conversations – James grew up in Montana, just one state over, until he moved here seventeen years ago – we rented a movie on his (huge) TV. I was ready for something a little on the comedy range – in hopes of lifting my dumpy mood – but James recommended a horror, slasher film. Something like that wasn't on my Top Ten List of Favourite Movies, but I complied to keep that little scary side of him away. I had a feeling he could get easily angered.

I didn't even recognize the title of the movie, but I knew immediately I did not want to see it again. It was terrifying! The thought of a man sneaking into my room at night, raping me and then killing me slowly and violently was _not_ my idea of a "great movie," as James had put it. There was the smallest chance a horror film could have lifted my mood, but this one felt so wrong because it was so _right_. _Vincent used to sneak in my room at night to rape me_. That thought constantly occurred to me. I was just lucky to still be alive I guess.

My mood felt worse than ever and it didn't help that the movie was three hours long. Honestly, I probably would have taken a kind of taste to it, but if it hadn't been so close and painfully right then...who knows! But it did and it did not feel right at all.

So, despite how amazing everything went and putting aside his reaction to the Cullens, I was pretty happy when Alice came to pick me up. James and I certainly did have interesting conversation and there was never any awkward silence, but he just _changed_ after I mentioned the Cullens. Hadn't I mentioned them before? But I don't think anything could dim the sudden high I felt when the buzzer went off just after midnight. She was like a saviour. Maybe James needed time to calm down.

"I had a great time," I told him, my smile coming from the knowledge that I didn't have to finish watching the movie.

James kissed my cheek, sending my heart in a weird beating motion. "I'll call you," h said softly.

He seemed oddly peaceful after the negative reaction to the Cullens and the scary, hard-core horror film, which had me slightly curious and intrigued.

If only Alice had the same simple and pleasant air to her. She was an impatient and horrible mess to begin with, and apparently "my delay" ( which was really the fact she didn't arrive on time) caused her to miss the marathon of _Project Runway_ she was keeping track of. Um, why did it run at this time? I wondered, but decided I really didn't want to know. She was like a snappy old woman as she hustled me into the car and drove off before I was barely even inside it.

But I could tell the worst part was over.

"So..." She waggled her eyebrows at me. "How was the date? Is he a good kisser?"

I rolled my eyes, looking out my window away from her piercingly pressuring gaze. "Alice, its not like that. He is a really nice guy..."

"I still don't see how it's a good idea," Alice disagreed quickly, and I knew she was going to repeat the same lecture she gave me on the way there. "He's a real older man, Bella – plus you just moved here. It makes you much more vulnerable to older men praying on you." I snorted. "No, Bella, I'm serious. You need to be careful," she warned, completely and utterly serious. "I don't want you to get hurt. Its not that I don't think he sounds like a wonderful guy...but I was so worried about you when you were gone. I mean, you knew like nothing about this man!"

"Hey!" I snapped. "We texted and talked a lot."

"Yeah, and how long have you been in Washington?" Alice snapped back. I didn't reply, which made her proud of her statement. "See? Alice knows best!"

"Yeah, yeah," I muttered, tuning her out and focusing on nothing. The little date – if that's what you could call it – seemed shorter than it really was, and I did have a really great time because I finally got to meet the man behind the screen, but there was something familiar about him. The way he talked, the way he smiled (like he was hiding something), the way he seemed so intrigued in that mask murderer raping innocent girls. I don't think it was a perverted interest' only curiosity.

But I couldn't suppress the fact that I was glad to be going home – well, to the Cullens' home. And that seemed to make me smile ever so slightly with happiness.

_**~**~ **_

I forced a smile at Alice as she waltzed in my room, taking brief interest into my "boring ensemble", as she called it. "Are you ready?" she demanded quietly, sensing the uneasiness I was feeling. This day was going to be hard. I nodded mutely and told her I would be down in a minute. She left without response.

Today was my first day of school at Forks High School and it was the thirtieth of November, and I was finding a certain happiness in knowing it wouldn't be long until Christmas break. I'd never really gone to one solid school for more than a few months, and thinking that this could possibly permanent made it much more nauseating. If I didn't get this right today...well, it would only be my final year of school before college, so I guess it didn't matter much. Oh, well, I thought.

After my date with James, I hadn't talked much with him and I was finding it hard to wrap my head around what was so familiar about him. Every Cullen questioned how the little date went, and I told them all the same: It was good, in a bleak and sullen voice. I didn't know what else to say. It had been interesting, but I guess I was really just interested in having someone to talk to – and I was ready to put that on James Alec. Maybe I shouldn't have though, because he didn't seem like the "let's bare our feelings" type. Obviously he wasn't what I needed at the point in my life. But then, what _did_ I need? A friend. But where would I find that? And when? It was something I felt so starved for and I couldn't find that little piece I was nearly aching for. Alice wasn't really a "I keep secrets" person.

Edward and I hadn't talked much. He continued to change my bandages on my arms – and I got a lecture on depression when he saw the cut I made after my date with James – but not much else. There was a weird change to him, like someone almost kicked his puppy. But I was no physiologist, so what did I know?

I somewhat missed his company, and not talking to him a lot left a weird feeling in me. I mean, he knew _everything_ about me. My rape, my long lost baby, my drugs and drinking, everything that made me a messed-up, fucked-up person. Edward knew it all and yet he didn't look at me much differently.

I sighed, sitting up from my bed and slipping on my shoes tighter, grabbing the black bag – that I'd transferred all my new school supplies into – and slugging it over my shoulder. It was a day I did not want to remember ever in my life. This would be one hell of a day, I thought. I small part of me – mostly realizing this as I passed the threshold – wanted to back-wheel and cut myself, cry, have a smoke, then go downstairs. But I knew I didn't have the time. So I took a deep breath and made my way down the steep stairs, bringing me a few steps closer to Forks High School. I wondered, only for a few seconds, about peoples' reactions to me.

"Finally!" Alice called out, grabbing her boyfriend's hand and pulling him out of the open door. Emmett and his supermodel girlfriend followed behind closely.

But Edward waited back.

As I was about to walk past him, staying in my mellow zone, he grabbed my arm and pulled me back, whispering in my ear, "Taking your time to cut?" His hand grabbed my forearm, rustling the bandages underneath.

I gave him a level look. "No. I didn't just for your benefit," I snapped, narrowing my eyes and turning away. But as I started for the huge Jeep idling and full loading, Edward caught up to me. "You know," I said quietly, "I really don't appreciate you being so loud about that."

"Bella, I will be loud until you stop," Edward replied, leaning into my ear to speak in a husky tone.

"You don't get it," I muttered, resting my hand on the handle. As soon as I was in the small – figuratively speaking – confides of the vehicle he couldn't continue the topic.

His hand overlapped mine and pulled it off, resting it back on my thigh. "You and I have to talk now," he said in hard voice, one of authority and I-don't-take-shit. tone. I stood frozen, gaping at him. Why now? Why on a day like this? I sighed, knowing there was no way to win with this guy.

"But, Ed—"

"Shh!" he hissed, tapping on Emmett's driver's window. I sighed impatient, shifting my weight between both feet. The window rolled down mechanically and Emmett started cussing us for taking out time. Edward cut him off. "Listen, Bella and I are going to drive in my car, okay?" he asked, and before waiting for an answer, started toward the garage for what I guessed would be his Volvo. I froze, contemplating my options. What were my chances of _not_ getting in a car with him?

They weren't god so I followed where Edward had started.

"See you guys there!" Emmett shouted as the tires squealed, and they were gone.

I sighed. Now I really did have no choice or second option. My feet dragged along the grassy ground, turning up dirt in some places with the tip of my Converse. What did I have to talk with Edward about? And why did we have to drive separate from everyone else? I didn't like the idea of it one little bit.

Before I made it to into the garage, the sleek silver car swung out of the garage and missed me by inches. I didn't treat the incident slightly and hit the hood of the car as hard as I could possibly slap. The sound echoed slightly, and probably hurt my hand even more, but I didn't let on and got in the passenger's side. "That was a dickhead move on your part, Edward," I snapped, buckling myself in. "You could have fucking killed me for Christ's sake!"

He shot me a look. "I never would have done that on purpose to you, Bella," he said sincerely, brushing of my cusses and tone. "I'm sorry," he added, for my benefit.

"Whatever." I crossed my arms and looked out the window. Edward started the engine and the soft purr surrounded us as he began at a slowly building pace. After a few seconds of weirdly unbearable and annoyingly impatient silence, I pressed. "Well? What do we have to talk about?" I demanded harshly.

"Bella," Edward began, slowly building, "I haven't been able to sleep sense you told me about...about your past. I-I can't hardly think straight, even." He clutched the steering wheel tighter in his big hands. "I need some closure." When he didn't continue, I encouraged him with a quiet, "Go on." He cleared his throat, hesitant. "Isabella, are you happy?" Edward asked, voice firm and serious.

I choked a little on the dry air in my mouth. "Yes," I croaked, breathless and winded. What kind of question is that?

"No, I mean all the way?" He sighed, exhaled, not wanting to continue. "Are you happy with Forks, being a part of the Cullen family, every piece of your past – your long lost baby. Are you happy with what has turned out the be?" he demanded, almost pleadingly. "What is going through your mind?"

It was the first time he really brought that stuff up. Even my baby. My Gabe. It got me thinking and before I knew it, I was crying, bawling, sobbing restlessly. I was forever a jumble of chaos. With me came hard secrets and bad emotions, and surprise around every corner. No, I wasn't happy. Did he even need to ask? He'd been the only one to see me at my complete worst. To see me breakdown, to see me cut and cry over things in another dimension. Edward had seen my worst, and he had yet to find there were to bests. I was forever a complicated mess.

I struggled to compose myself, to wipe the tears and say "I'm happy". But you can't lie through what is pulling your life to a black abyss.

I didn't realize Edward had pulled over until I cried out in the pain of my memories, and his warm arms wrapped around me. I could feel his body, holding me tightly to it, and notice the shaking in his. He was crying. Edward was crying over something that had nothing to do with him and pain he hadn't felt. But _he_ was feeling _my_ pain. Edward was feeling the things I'd gone through on a different level than anyone else ever could or would.

Then, just like that, my mood shifted. He'd brought these emotions on me, mentioning my baby, my pats, my addictions and so much more. This, for once, was his fault. I thrashed against his chest, trying to push him off me, all the while screaming and crying. "Get off of me!" I yelled, pushing against his advances. He didn't stop trying to comfort me. He didn't give up. "Just le...leave me alone! This is you-your fault! Why'd you bring it up in the first place? You bastard!"

But my hormonal rage collapsed, as I did in Edward's arms, surrendering to my weaknesses and hugging him to me as I cried it out.

~**~

How Edward could be so patient, I didn't know. But he was. Very patient, actually. Once I calmed down enough – about fifteen minutes later – I told him I just wanted to get on with the school thing. But he wouldn't hear of it. Instead, he drove us into Port Angeles, grabbed a bite to eat for breakfast, then headed us back to Forks. The distance wasn't long, but it wasn't short either. We were late as we had just been _leaving_ Forks. I voiced my complaints many times, but Edward insisted that missing first period would not kill me. He claimed ditching is always healthy, but I didn't quite understand what he meant by that.

I allowed him to drag me to Port Angeles while we should have been in school, but it was on the way back, as we ate greasy breakfast food, that he broke into it all.

"Bella, do me asking what your boyfriend's name is?"

I sighed, picking at the material of my jeans, before swallowing and mumbling, "He's not my boyfriend." Edward glanced over at me curiously, confused and shocked. "I just went over to his place..." I began. "Because I wanted to feel human again. I wanted to feel normal, better, I guess."

"Oh." There was an uncomfortable silence. "Well, what's his name?" Edward repeated after a moment.

"James Alec," I replied.

Suddenly the car jerked to the right, and in a frenzy to get the vehicle straight, he jerked us to the left. A car was coming straight at us, honking its horn, and in the nick of time Edward swung us back to the right side. We were both breathing heavily, food forgotten and clutching at anything to hold us still. He swerved a bit, trying to regain the smooth rhythm he'd had before he got caught off guard. Hmm, what did catch him so off guard he almost ended up killing the two of us?

A few deep breaths got me under control, but when I glanced at Edward, hearing the hard and raged breaths of his, I knew something was off.

He was breathing in pure fury and rage, a weird worry and sadness hidden behind it all.

**A/N: Now, its not that James's grandfather is Alec (the vampire guard, in case you don't know), but I was watching **_**Judge Alex**_** (the only decent-looking male judge on TV) and it just came to me, like **_**bam!**_**  
Now I know the date between Bella and James was short, but that part put me in such a block! I had one page written, then deleted it because I didn't like it. Then this one flowed semi-nicely.  
So...what do you think is going on with James? What do you think is in that little head of his? What are his plans? And why did Edward almost crash the car at the sound of James's name?  
Well, there's only one way to tell me your thoughts...reviews!!!**


	13. The End Part1

**Now this chapter is very intense. A lot happens here...try to keep up!**

_

* * *

_

I know you saved me once, from the deepest pits of hell and doom,

_But I came back just to tell you,_

_You can't keep me from the death I crave. _

EPOV

I had to have heard Bella wrong. I had to have been involved in something else because she said she went to James Alec's house. She couldn't have! Alice dropped her off there without a thought and just..._allowed _it!? My rage wasn't pointed at Bella, but I knew of she tried to defend him, it possibly could turn to be directed at her. But I knew, as soon as I saw Alice...well, Emmett better at least be nearby in case I couldn't control myself. Maybe Jasper should also be close. How could Alice _do _that!? Just drop Bella off at the house or whatever of an abuser? He could have hurt her! Hell, he could have _killed_ her for fuck's sakes!

Bella glanced at me, confusion and misunderstanding all over her face. "What are you talking about? James is a nice guy, Edward. How do you know him?"

Did I really want to get into that? I tapped my hand on the steering wheel, undecided upon this. Of course Bella was okay, because here she was as much of a beautiful mess she came to Forks as. But I knew how fast that could change and that could not happen to Isabella; I couldn't take the small chance of it.

"Bella," I sighed, "did you ever notice anything off about him? Because he's a very tainted guy. I do know him, but not in a positive way." I glanced at her and she was biting her lip so hard, I thought she may draw blood. "That's a yes, is it not?" I pressed when she didn't say anything. "You have seen something off about him. Did he touch you?" I demanded with sudden anger. James Alec was the kind of person to put the moves on someone that didn't want it, and then place them in a hospital. "Did he, Isabella? Tell me for Christ's sake! What did he do to you!?" I have to admit, I was quite happy when she reached over and slapped me hard.

Bella's face was contorted into a mask of anger and annoyance, but I saw the negative emotions back in there. Was she about to cry? Fuck, he better not have touched her. She pulled back from her lash of fury, pulling her knees up to her chest. She sniffled a few times as I struggled to get back into my rhythm of driving for the second time today, all the while holding back my emotions. Bella slapping me pissed me off completely, but I kept it inside so she would tell me.

"He didn't..._touch_ me," she said carefully, quietly after a moment. There was a second meaning to the word _touch_. I nodded for her to continue, giving her a confused look. "Not...not like inappropriately," she murmured, twisting her hair and looking down. "What kind of person do you think I am, Edward?" Bella whispered. "Do you think I would let him violate me?" Our eyes met and all I wanted to do was lie like never before.

But I couldn't, and I spoke before thinking.

"Vincent violated you."

I quickly looked away, not wanting to see Bella's face – I knew she would not have a benevolent reaction to what slipped. I was one hundred percent sure I was out of line by saying that, but I had to admit...it was true. If one guy took advantage of a young, vulnerable girl, then why couldn't another? I knew James, and though I was by far unimpressed by that fact, I knew what that guy was capable of. Emmett's girlfriend, Rosalie, had had a relationship with James a very long time ago – that's how she and Emmett met in the first place. She been beaten and battered by that guy till she was black and blue all over her body.

Carlisle had been called into a hospital in Port Angeles – for his amazing doctor skills – and Emmett and I had been at a movie – _Sherlock Holmes, _of course – when he informed us about his presence there. So we met up at the hospital with him where he was practically saving Rosalie's life. Naturally, Emmett didn't want to leave and immediately got involved with her before she was even released. That wasn't even nearly as bad as what had happened when she finally woke up.

Rosalie didn't remember what happened to her. If the neighbour hadn't caught James in the act, he wouldn't have been convicted. And because the neighbour was the only witness and Rose couldn't remember a single detail, he was released with a slight charge to his record. But not much, though. That pissed a lot of us off, too. It wasn't good that James was still on the loose and that almost every girl in Washington was in danger from him, but the one that mattered was the one he had to pick.

There was a horrible silence in the car, only deep, unsteady breaths being heard. Bella was a step from hyperventilating. I don't know what provoked me to let that stuff seep, because clearly that had to hurt her all over again.

"Your right," she whispered after a few beats, voice grave. "But your also wrong." Well I couldn't deny that too easily. "I may not have been able to stop Vincent from what he did, but I _did_ live through it. I mean, I did stay strong, did I not? For my baby and my own life, Edward. I know I can't deny that Vincent took everything I had and destroyed me for life, but I can say that I lived through it. As for James..." She drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Well..."

"But I'm not lying," I said quickly. "James has a bad past – he almost killed Rosalie!"

Her head snapped back to look at me and I could feel her eyes on the side of my face. "Rosalie? What does she have to do with this?" she snapped.

With reluctance I replayed the story by memory, putting a lot of emphasis on Rosalie's appearance and her lack of memory. Bella continued to look ahead, listening quietly, but never really letting on to what she heard. Only occasionally she would exhaled heavily, like she couldn't wrap her head around what she was hearing. A few times she even shivered, her hands fisting to tight balls. Had she not noticed anything odd about the guy? Anything...off? Something weird or dirty?

There had to be some little detail while she was at his house – I had trouble thinking it – that didn't feel normal, or that she hadn't felt safe. Some people couldn't change in this world and I knew James was one of them; that guy will forever be a sick bastard. And what frustrated me most was that Bella didn't see it. The guy could have killed her that night she visited his house! But, to cool my thoughts, I reasoned that he wouldn't go after Bella so fast. He would wait. He would test her boundaries – the same ones I knew were limited because of her past. To help me more, I realized that I saved Bella in just the nick of time.

"She...she knows James?" Bella asked quietly, slowly beginning to see the light I was trying to shine in her dark space. But, yet not enough.

"Bell, don't you get it?" I snapped. "He _beat_ her! Why does it matter that she knows him?" Bella flinched back at the force of my words. I looked down at my lap while glancing up at the road. "Okay, that was harsh..." I started, but she cut me off.

"No. Your right," she mumbled, pushing her hair behind her ear, breathing heavily. "Does she really not remember anything?" Bella asked in a small voice.

I nodded, looking back up. "Rosalie always gets so emotional when people mention her being attacked because she can't remember. She thinks we're delusional."

But its not like I could deny it.

BPOV

James can't be bad – he was so kind and caring and...so nice...But there was one amount of evidence I couldn't ignore. My mind screamed to ignore it all.

"Edward," I whispered after a moment, still taking in the story of Rosalie, "when I was over at his house, he made me watch this movie." I paused as I recalled how close and painful that film had been, how it had cut me deeply. It was so wrong and disgusting...I shuddered, stopping any attempt to continue.

Edward glanced at me as he continued to drive. "Bella, what is it? What did he make you watch?" The sceptical note in his voice made me realize he may have gotten the wrong idea.

I shook my head. "No, its nothing like that...just..." I sighed, closing my eyes. When I reopened them I looked out the window, not being able to fathom what expression would come on his face. "It was about this...psychopath that snuck into women's rooms at night to rape them and then kill them. But there was this one girl who got pregnant by the psychopath and he kept her captive. Then...he killed them both." I paused, sniffling once. "James seemed really...into it."

When I finally looked back to Edward, he looked like he was about to explode with fury. Certainly, there had to be a million different things he wanted to say at that moment, maybe even throw a couple dozen curses at me for my stupidity, but he only chose once little sentence that I realized, meant a lot in the world.

"Bella, you really can't see James again."

I sighed. "Edward, why do you care so much? I mean, I know you have to because I'm your adopted sister and all...but _why?_" I asked curiously.

Then it was his turn to sigh. "I don't know," he admitted ruefully. "I just feel very...protective of you. I know your vulnerability, Bella, and I know what the simplest can do to you. Like after your little, er, date, you cut yourself again. I don't want you to ruin yourself, Bella, and I feel like I need to steer you in the right direction and form the people that won't be of advantage to you." I couldn't meet his eyes. "Your very important to me, Isabella, and I'm not about to let anything or anyone hurt or destroy you."

A blush colored my cheeks as I watched my lap. "No one has ever taken care of me like you have," I told him. "I don't think I deserve it."

"But, Bella, Vincent is not your fault," he snapped, drilling his point. Despite the force behind the words, I couldn't bring myself to be mad at Edward. He had a point, even if I didn't believe it. "You were helpless back then."

"_Back then _was, like, a month ago, you know." I looked over at him finally. Edward seemed much more relaxed now.

"Yes, a very short time, I know. But still. You shouldn't blame yourself for what happened."

"But it will forever be my fault, Edward."

***

The school was intimidating even though it was fairly small.

Actually, it was incredibly small – so small, I didn't know why I was nearly cowering in front of it. It had been the longest time sense I'd last attended an actual school, physically attending one. It was enough to push me over the edge of hysteria because of how many memories it brought back (of not going to school). I was nervous to being new to this school, and most importantly having to arrive late to one of my classes. But when we arrived, Edward informed me that it was lunch. W wouldn't have to arrive in the middle of a class where everyone could stare at our tardiness. That was a beautiful plus.

As soon as Edward parked, told me to calm down and breath, he walked over to my side and helped me out. But before we got even two feet, I heard the very voice that made me cringe and my nerves wrack in my chest, my heart in my stomach.

"Where the hell have you guys been!?" Alice shouted distantly. I glanced over the car to see Alice, Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper advancing on us.

I sighed. "I think I'm going to cry," I whispered to Edward quietly, nearly silent. I felt Edward's hand on my hip.

"Bella—" he began, but was cut off by a loud roar.

"Where the fuck did you take her, Edward? Take a fucking detour to Port Angeles!?" Emmett shouted, even though he was right beside us.

Covering my ears, I shook my head once. "Fuck," I snapped. "We're right here, you ass!" I scowled at him as I dropped my hands.

"That exactly," Edward muttered. "We took a little drive to Port Angeles. So what." She shrugged, defending himself from his brothers.

"You made her miss two periods, Edward," Alice interjected, stepping forward. "On her first day, too," she added, clearly upset.

He shouldn't be getting the rap for this, I thought.

"No, Alice, Emmett," I said, shaking my head. Every set of eyes turned to me. "He took me for a drive because I wasn't feeling well. I just needed some fresh air, so we went for a ride. It doesn't matter," I told them sternly, firm. I looked at Alice pleadingly, knowing Emmett wouldn't let up upon my own command. She just looked at Edward, confused and in indecision. I sighed, and looked to Emmett's beautiful girlfriend, Rosalie. I waited for a few moments in the painful silence until she felt me watching her.

I silently begged with her, briefly flickering my eyes to Emmett and how he scowled at Edward.

Rosalie stepped forward and grabbed Emmett's arm. "Em, lay off," she commanded, and I noticed the effect her voice had on him. He almost relaxed. "Don't go all big brother on your new sister."

Emmett scowled from Rosalie to Edward to me, before shrugging out from under her grip and catching me under his arm in one fluid motion. I gasped quietly in shock as he crushed me to the side of his body. "Yeah, Rose, she is my sister. So therefore, I will act big brother," he snapped, but I could tell there was no real fury. He started towing me away, toward the school with Alice at my side and Rosalie at his. I think Jasper was following, but couldn't be sure under the weight of Emmett's arm.

But I knew Edward wasn't following.

I would never go as far as saying I fit in at Forks High School. I got by without any trouble from missing the first two periods and I slinked by unnoticed in my two final classes. Every time I was walked through the hall, Emmett or Alice was always there, guiding me here or there, telling me this or that. It was scary how everyone knew my name and that the Cullens adopted me, but no one was very unwelcoming. A lot thought it odd that someone of my age would be up for adoption, and I had no answer for that. I could only shrug and say "It happens." But I barely even voiced that much; Alice substituted words for my silence.

But I did get one little bout of criticism from a girl by the name of Jessica Stanley and her friend, Lauren, whose last name was a mystery. They didn't have many kind words for me joining the Cullen family. But that was only a minor setback. Edward had been with me for third period when I got that little whip of attitude from the two girls, so he was there to calm me. If there was one person in this world that knew me so well, it was Edward. I don't know if we reached that level of understanding, or it was just comprehension. But he knew how to soothe me when I felt insecure, when I felt like I could break down. I'd never felt so vulnerable then the first day of school.

The help Edward always gave me was significant than what any other person could give me. No one else knew what I was feeling, what happened to me, but Edward because he was the only one that I could open up to. He was the only one that I had trust in enough to confess. I was on the edge of breaking down one too many times on that Monday because of how innovative school was to me; I wasn't used to walking down crowded halls or anything similar. It was frightening.

One thing I had to feel unimpressed about was in my final class, Trig, I was with Alice, not Edward. I didn't feel as safe and protected – I felt more vulnerable, on display, like I was a show and not a person. It wasn't much of a good feeling when your already on edge.

"Let's go, Bella," Alice mumbled, grabbing my hand and pulling me past all the clusters of kids. She must have sensed my discomfort. Once we were safely outside, she asked, "Why were you so late, Bella? I mean, its not like Edward to suggest cutting half of the day." She seemed utterly confused, signifying she wasn't onto anything – Edward hadn't said anything.

I let out a breath, feeling a little relief. "I really wasn't feeling well, Alice. I was a nervous wreck," I admitted quietly. No more detail would be allowed then that.

She let it go surprisingly easily and struck up a quick conversation with Jasper, who was standing next to her, on the other side. My eyes wandered around the lot of the school and fell on the silver Volvo in the distance. That sleek car looked like the light at the end of a black tunnel, as odd as it sounds; it looked like my safe-zone, actually.

Later that night I subjected to being under the watchful eye of Esme and Carlisle as they cooked in the kitchen together. I looked at their relationship like none other – after three kids and eighteen years of marriage, they were so strong with some connection I couldn't figure out. It was so beautiful, though. They were preparing a salad together, laughing and talking casually. I was still trying to shift the attention from me and my depression – because after the hospital it was that obvious – so I tried to act more upbeat. It was hard because that wasn't what I was feeling. I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. But, trying to convince my family – I was liking saying that – and getting everyone to stop following me, would take a lot of work. I could still see the way Carlisle spoke gently, quietly, like he didn't want to scare me, and Esme always seeming so cautious.

So I pulled out the long-packed iPod from one of my suitcases and sat at the island, acting like I was fine. I figure the more time I spend around everyone would convince them I didn't want to cut, I didn't want to continue with my drugs. But I wanted to go upstairs and do just that. The cigarette Edward had given me on the way home didn't help. I knew cooking could help me, but Carlisle declined my help because the only thing that I could do is cut. Well, doesn't he know I'm good at it by now?

The iPod was red and had my name engraved on the back with my surname as Vincent's. I'd pretty much sworn to never touch or look at it again as long as I lived. But this had to convince them they didn't need to worry about me so they would stop and I could continue.

"So, Bella, how was your first day?" Esme asked, glancing up from chopping the cucumbers. I looked down, ashamed, pretending to pick a song, when really I'd just been scrolling through the list the whole time. "I heard you and Edward skipped the first two periods," she added casually, not angry or mad, really.

I looked up, stunned, and nodded. Shouldn't she be yelling at me until she's blue in the face? Isn't that how it goes?

"We just thought," Carlisle added, "we should tell you that's unacceptable." I nodded while feeling my cheeks burn with all the eyes on me. "So long as you understand," he murmured quietly. I knew he had to be being careful with what he said around me.

Did he know my vulnerability?

"She wasn't feeling well," Edward told them, putting in the words that I couldn't muster. "She was a total nervous wreck so we went to Port Angeles to grab something to eat. No big deal. We made it back for half the day." It was almost the same thing I'd said earlier today, trying to calm Emmett down.

Esme shook her head at her son. "I don't want you two skipping school," she said coolly. "Its useless if you do. Now, Bella, I understand you were nervous about school, so I'm going to get at you for it. A warning for you both," Esme declared, clearly satisfied with her work.

I smiled. "Of course, Esme," I said quietly. "I'm sorry."

"Oh, don't be, honey," she shooed me off. "Its no big deal, as Edward said. Just don't do it again."

I nodded, agreeing fully. During my action the finger I was using to scroll, jolted and made me stab the MENU button, forcing me to return to the main screen. I sighed at my misled action. In my rushed haste when I'd held down the button, my finger slipped on the main menu, scrolling down to the photos. On the bottom of the screen it read 54 photos. I cocked my head to the side, confused. Sense when did I have photos on here? I wondered. I selected the application, and felt my face pale.

With my heart in my stomach, I gasped at what I saw, loud enough to get everyone's attention.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Esme asked immediately, and I could tell I'd startled her.

As I looked up I noticed I had everyone's attention. Carlisle was squinting at me, Esme was back to work but I could tell she wasn't completely lost in it, and Edward had this perplexed look on his face. If anyone would know, it was him. My heart was too heavy.

My mouth opened, but nothing came out. I could feel my eyes getting wet. This is it, I decided, looking at the small pictures. I'm done. This is done. Its all done.

Shaking my head once, I lifted my head. "I just remembered I have some homework to do, and I don't want to deal with it later," I lied quietly, breathless. It was an excuse and they all knew it. I swung my legs off of the chair they'd been relaxed on and stood, holding the iPod firmly in my hand, the pictures against my jeans.

"Oh, but, honey," Esme whined, looking up with sad eyes, "diner's going to be ready soon. Are you sure?"

I knew Edward would understand this. I knew he would get the double meaning in my words – if anyone understood me, it was him. He would know I what was going on.

"Its important," I said carefully, my eyes flickering to Edward. He was watching me so close that I knew he would understand before everyone else. I blinked the tears away quickly. No time for sympathy. "Its something I would really like to start," I looked at Edward, knowing her would get this the most, "and hopefully finish it soon."

A weird look dawned on Edward's face, which flickered to confusion.

"Oh, okay," Esme said sadly. I sighed.

"Do you want us to save you a plate?" Carlisle offered.

I won't need it. "Sure, thanks," I said as I stared out of the room, and with my back to them, I let a tear fall.

But then a voice interrupted me.

"I don't remember getting any homework, and Alice and Emmett don't have any either," Edward said pointedly. I squeezed my eyes shut, clenching the iPod so hard in my hand I thought it may break. Was this his way of saying he understood what I was saying and trying to put a stop to it without making a scene?

Fuck no. I couldn't take it anymore, I just couldn't. I had to let go.

"Bella?" Carlisle demanded, seeming edgy.

With an exhale to calm my nerves, I turned around. "I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well," I admitted. "I think it's the after-nerves."

Esme nodded. "Okay, if you insist," she said with a sigh. "I'll put some in the fridge for you, okay? For when you get hungry."

"Okay," I said hastily. "Thanks."

As I was about to turn I noticed yet another weird look from Carlisle, like he was deciding something. Oh, no, I thought – does he have a degree in physiology that I didn't know about? "Bella, are you sure?" he asked doubtfully. "I thought you said you had homework?"

My smile was hard. Edward should understand this, too. "I just need to go to sleep for good," I said casually, trying not to let on to the double meaning. "Its been too rough and I just need to be put down." I glanced at Edward, noting how he clenched the table top with white knuckles. He knew, but he was restraining himself.

They let me go without another word and I left the kitchen in silence. But as soon as I couldn't see them anymore, I let the tears fall and ran up the stairs with my hand over my mouth. I couldn't believe this. Out of everything that could happen, _this_ had to. I could have gotten over it, I could have forgotten and started fresh, if it wasn't there every corner I turned in my life. I ran up the stairs faster, my feet hitting them with hard thumps. They were the same ones I'd tried to throw myself down only a few days ago. And I didn't even learn my lesson.

I slammed the door behind me, locking it and I sunk to the floor with my back pressed to it. I cried into my knees, cried like I never had before. Cried for every mistake in my life. After a good minutes I only realized then that Edward could be coming to intercept. My eyes were so blurry, too blurry that I could hardly see, but I lifted the iPod up shakily in my hand. I cried for how beautiful my baby is. I looked at that picture, the close-up of Gabe the day he was born as I retrieved the only picture I had of him in my head, compared to the dozens of him, me, Vincent and his convicted friends on the iPod. Gabe had the most perfect dark curls that matted the top of his head, sense the day he was born. His face was chubby and red, and his eyes could never focus on any one thing. But he was perfect.

Without a second thought I jumped up and ran to my bedside table. There two ways I could go about this – easily and painless or hard and excruciating. I decided to mix the two. I rummaged around until I found the small packet of cocaine and didn't hesitate to dump the contents on top of the nightstand. As I set the iPod down on my grand bed, I heard the knock on the door.

"Bella?" The doorknob jiggled but didn't open. "Bella! Open this door now!" Edward snapped sternly.

"Go away, Edward!" I yelled, no caring who heard. They would all figure it out in the end. I leaned down and inhaled the white substance. I knew I took way too much in and coughed at the feeling as it registered with me. But I continued, inhaling every spec, every crystal, working my way to my overdose. I caught myself on the nightstand as I began to feel the effects too soon; I could barely keep myself upright. All the while, my name was being shouted on the other side of the door.

I ran – or stumbled – into the huge closet drunkenly, knowing it wouldn't be long now. My eyes hungrily searched for the bag that held my sharp implements. When I laid my eyes on it I ran at it, nearly tripping over it in my haste. I palmed around inside and came up with my usual sharp blade, as well as a long, slender one. My feet stumbled back into the bedroom, tripping but carrying me over to the bed. Standing at the side, I prepared myself, taking a hazed look around the room for the final time.

"Bella, answer me! Please! Don't do this," he pleaded.

It was Edward's call for help, which was conformed when I heard him run back down the hall. When I called for help no one ever responded then.

With my usual blade I didn't waste the time as my vision started to cloud and my head whirled. Its time, I thought. And I started, scratching my skin roughly and marking up every surface, up and down. Everywhere on my arms, every area of silvery skin started to gush that shade of bright, fresh blood. My heart constricted once, then twice, as I started to cry and sob again. It could have been easy – I could have taken that way out. But I chose to mix it with pain I deserved. It had to be only half a minute later that I was coated in blood, that I could feel it everywhere. The bed was ruined, my clothes were ruined, and I felt like I was in the _Chainsaw Massacre_; there had never been so much blood. It was actually sickening.

The darkness was taking over and I could feel my body going limp as I sat in the middle of the bed. But I cut up my neck, my shoulders, my chest, the tops of my breasts – it was all marks and bloody. I sobbed as I grabbed the long blade, my whole body shaking, and plunged it into the vein of my wrist. A choked gasp bubbled in my throat, but couldn't make its way fully up. I gasped, my body trembling with the unbearable pain. I grabbed the iPod beside me, covering it with my blood.

I laid back on the bed, the picture of my baby held tight in my right hand with my left cupped over it, pressed to my heart, as I lolled into my permanent sleep.

* * *

**I cried when I wrote this! Just really think about it! So I know you want to review because that chapter was just _insane_!And I will warn you: you better review, because I have the power to let Bella die. Hell, I may just let her die! Do you want her to die? Do you think she will? Because I can make the rest into her kid's POV or Edward's POV if I have to. I could do a lot with this. I think many reviews are in order. I mean, it was _very _long!**

**-Mickey**


	14. The End Part2

**The reviews were absolutely beautiful and lovely and just amazing. Well, happy belated New Year! 2010! Woo! **

**So, let's see if Bella does survive...**

**Warning: most of this **_**long**_** chapter will be in Edward's POV for reasons you will be getting to in moments.  
By the way, I loved all those reviews! Thanks, and keep 'em coming!**

* * *

_When You're Gone – Avril Lavigne_

EPOV

I watched her face pale, get dead white and her eyes widen. What did she see? Why did she look so scared? I squinted, noticing how she looked like she'd stopped breathing and was about to faint. My parents were focused on their work completely so they weren't aware of this reaction. But I could see the way she looked terrified with a lot of sadness, which all turned to some kind of weird decision I didn't get. Like she had just solved an equation in her head.

The only thing that got my parents attention was when I broken gasp came from Bella's mouth. I sat up straighter, stunned and with an unfamiliar wave of worry.

"Bella, what's wrong?" my mom asked immediately, obviously in shock.

My mom resumed in her work, but I could see the calculating look on my dad's face as he watched Bella intensely. I'm sure I mirrored that expression. What was so critical that her chest was rising and falling with deep but such shallow breaths? I wondered, craning my neck to see her iPod. What was so shocking about it? Bella had always confused me, but I had a weird, perplexing understanding for her and her life, as well as a perplexing relationship with her. Some things I could understand in seconds while others I just lost sleep over, thinking what it meant, what it had to do to her.

I'd always thought everything Bella did was like a piece of art – in front of me, that is. What she did – acting – in front of my family was fake; she put on that front of wellness and happiness, but I could always see behind it. Like I could see into her mind and soul. Everything she said, every step she took, air she breathed...there was a meaning for all of it. And I felt like I could understand all of that, as corny as it sounds. I had like this..._feeling_ inside me when I was near Bella – like a sixth sense. Whether she was talking to me or – very rarely – talking to Mom or Dad, Alice or Emmett, I felt like I could _hear_ the pain behind the words, or see the way she slumped as she walked.

When she gasped, I heard that weird mix of pain, disbelief and grief.

I watched her face carefully, looking for the right change that would portray what her words couldn't. After a few moments of silence, she said, "I just remembered I have some homework to do, and I don't want to deal with it later." Liar, I thought in an instant. So fast, I almost wondered if it was actually my own thought or if I _did_ have some multi-personality. Bella jumped off the chair slowly, like she was calculating her moves so much, as to not move to fast. I watched as she clutched that little iPod for dear life. I pursed my lips, cocking my head to the side slightly.

"Oh, but, honey," my mom whined sadly, "diner's going to be ready soon. Are you sure?"

Even I could hear Bella swallow loudly. "Its important," she said slowly, still calculating. While I was squinting at her face, memorizing the little details like they told a story, I met her dark eyes for a second before she looked away quickly. Then she looked up again, meeting my eyes squarely while my parents were oblivious. "Its something I would really like to start and hopefully finish it soon."

_Start _and _finish_, I thought with confusion. She couldn't mean...My mouth fell slack and I silently gasped. I quickly regained my composure. No, I was being absurd. Bella wouldn't think twice of it. She was getting better. Slightly. Kind of. Well, she's on the path to getting better and returning to normal. I knew it. I was sure of it.

"Oh, okay," Esme said sadly. I shook my head once at my mother's laidback attitude.

Couldn't she question it further? Press Bella until we knew the truth? I knew – that fucking intuition again – she was lying yet again. Ten too many times.

"Do you want us to save you a plate?" my dad offered generously.

"Sure, thanks," Bella said hesitantly, unsure, as she started form the room. I watched her back, noting how her shoulders slumped over like my parents and I had been too much pressure for her in one room. No, I wasn't letting it go that fast.

Maybe it was overly absurd to think that the double meaning I heard was true, because it could be an honest mistake, but I couldn't just let her go in case I wasn't being absurd.

So I interrupted her before she was completely over the threshold.

"I don't remember getting any homework, and Alice and Emmett don't have any either," I said casually, pointedly. I knew in seconds I was on to something when I saw how tense she got at my statement. I began to feel edgy, unsure of Bella being out of my own sight. Fuck everyone else! Only _my _sight!

You know...because I understand me. That's all. I just...really get her.

"Bella?" Carlisle demanded, seeming edgy.

Her shoulders rising as she turned around. I think she took a deep breath, which only picked at my interest. "I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well," she said quietly, shuffling her feet nervously. "I think it's the after-nerves."

Esme nodded. "Okay, if you insist," she said with a sigh. "I'll put some in the fridge for you, okay? For when you get hungry."

"Okay, thanks," Bella said hurriedly.

Why is she so eager to get away from us? I thought, feeling nervous myself. Certainly I had reason to be cautious or worried, but I felt like I was almost about to put her under interrogation. Just because she lied about having homework, then said "something" to "start" and she wanted to "finish" it tonight. That set off alarms, which I tried to calm quickly before they could get the better of me. I sure as fuck didn't want anything bad happening to her, but there was something... off with her.

And I needed to know.

She was overly eager to leave this room, which only brought on more confusion. I mean, c'mon! Sure my parents aren't the coolest things around, but they're better than most. What did she have to be worried or scared of _here_? "Bella, are you sure?" Carlisle asked doubtfully. "I thought you said you had homework?"

Her smile was fake, like the mask I always saw her plaster on her face in front of everyone. "I just need to go to sleep for good," she said flatly. "Its been too rough and I just need to be put down."

My body went ramrod-straight as my knuckles clutched, strained to hold onto the counter. She's going to do something, I thought, and my parents don't even know it. "Sleep for good", "too rough", "put down", and the wistful look she gave me as she headed from the room – she was handing it to me. She was silently conveying that kind of message to me, and I didn't even know what to do. But I knew she wasn't just going to lay down...I couldn't get the right feel of her double meaning.

But there was one, and she wanted me to know it.

"Hey, Edward, darling," my mom said, pulling me from my thoughts, "could you take out the salad? I think we should eat outside to enjoy the nice weather."

Biting my lip, I said, "Actually, Mom, I have a project I have to do. I think I'll skip on supper."

She half-sighed, half-groaned, setting a hand on her hip. "Edward, why?" she demanded, almost whined. I cracked a smile, but it faded when I heard the door slam upstairs. Yes, she is up to something. Esme paused for a second, then added, "Why are all my children abandoning me?"

Bella would have loved to hear that, to know she was part of this family as much as Alice is.

"Plus," she continued, "I thought you didn't have any homework?" She raised her eyebrows.

I sighed as I hoped off my chair. "Its called a project, Mom," I said casually. "I can start it when I want."

Mom shook her head as she grabbed the bowl. "What subject?" she challenged.

"Biology," I answered immediately, not missing beat. She frowned. "Nice try, Mom," I teased, shooting my dad a serious look. He'd been nearly quiet through this whole thing, but I knew he felt something off to.

"Fine, at least Alice and Emmett still love their dear mother," Esme said, sliding open the patio door and closing it behind me. I watched carefully as she set the bowl on the table, talking to Emmett, probably filling both my siblings on with that was going on.

I looked at my dad, but before I could speak, he did. "Go check on her," he said quietly, rushed, not looking at me as he continued to chop up the carrots. "I have a bad feeling, Edward."

_And I thought I was the one to have those feelings about Bella_.

"Me, too," I agreed reluctantly as I headed out of the kitchen.

"Come get me if you need me!" Carlisle called after me before I heard the patio door slid open.

I jogged up the stairs, working myself up to this. There was distinct possibility I was blowing this out of proportion, but I couldn't help that feeling. That nagging urge to protect her. But when I thought of protecting her, I was thinking from other people. I didn't know I had to protect her from her own self. I was breathing hard when I made I to her door. I knew better then to barge in on a woman in their bedroom, so I listened before anything.

There were noises, many different sounds I couldn't uncover. There was Bella's sniffling – that was most recognizable, and many movements. But there wasn't anything distinguishable. Because I couldn't determine anything I probably should have fucked off and left her alone, but it was just that that made me stay where I was. I couldn't tell what she was doing, I couldn't' just leave. But it was her broken, wrecked sobs and her constant sniffling that kept me in place. We'd established a firm rule when Bella first got out of the hospital that she had to keep all doors open, and if that failed, then she couldn't lock them.

Gripping the doorknob, I tried to turn it.

Locked.

A million different red lights went off in my head as I frantically tried to open the door. "Bella!" I called. "Open this door _now!_" My voice was rushed, just as frantic as me trying to open the door.

"Go away, Edward!" she yelled from the other side of the door. I heard her coughing roughly like she was about to choke on something. What could she possibly be doing? I listened for any more sounds that could be a telltale. There was something that sounded like the slamming of a drawer – what was she looking for? She was walking, walking fast, stumbling, I realized as I started counting the tempo I heard.

A thick realization dawned on me. Certainly I wasn't sure by any means, but the assumptions started coming and I banged on the door. "Bella, answer me! Please!" I yelled. "Don't do this!" Whatever _this_ was, I didn't know. But it was more ambiguous rather than clear, but I had to mount on a hunch I had. Bella was going to hurt herself in the one way I knew she was familiar with. The only question was, how far would she go? And what were the reasons behind it. School couldn't have been _that_ bad, could it?

The sounds I was hearing were getting to me. Obviously she was crying hard, for a reason I knew not, and she was acting frantic. And sense she locked the door that wasn't a good sign. I tried it again, tried shoving it as I yelled her name repeatedly. When I realized nothing was going to help, I ran for the stairs. I guessed you had to act urgent and quick when dealing with dangerously depressed people and locked doors. I knew her almost through and through, so I was of better knowledge to let that go by.

When I made it to the main floor I noticed how quiet it was; everyone was outback, soaking up the warm weather for the time being. I sighed, shaking my head to clear the thoughts and distress, putting on a calm front as I stuck my head out the back door.

My mom looked up. "Hey, honey, how's the project going?" she asked attentively.

I exhaled quickly. "Perfect," I lied, turning to my father. "Actually, I need so _help_, Dad." I put an accent on the word, trying to get his attention.

"What with?" he asked, totally oblivious. I noticed how I had everyone's attention.

Drawing in a deep breath, I began. "I need some _help_ with my project, and something tells me only _you_ can help with the issues going on upstairs." I paused, then added, "You know. With my project."

For a moment, he chewed quietly, still not getting it.

"Dad, this is like, a live-or-die situation," I said serious, but somewhat mockingly.

When my mom and siblings laughed, I knew they didn't understand. But my father did. He stood up quickly, struggling to get his food down as he followed me back in the house without a word to anyone else.

My dad just wanted to take his sweet old time, but I wouldn't have it; I pushed him along, urging him to walk faster or even run.

"What's going on?" he asked as we hit the stairs.

"I don't know," I said quickly. "But we have to hurry. She won't open the door and I have this bad feeling."

"Locked?"

"Yep."

He exhaled, almost growled. "She knows she isn't supposed to do that," he groaned, "in case she tries something."

"Dad," I said quietly, "I think she _is _trying something."

And from then on it was a sprint to Bella's door.

Mt father never knew the truth behind Bella's cutting or about her drug use too much, but I knew he was beyond curious of it. During the days that Bella had been released from the hospital, he had been worried, cautious, and most of all, _calculating_. We talked on numerous occasions about what was going on, if I knew what was going on with Bella, but I kept my mouth shut. I would never betray her trust like that. I think he assumed I knew something because I'd been fixing up Bella's arms on a daily basis.

Just the thought of what she'd done to herself made me cringe. Could she go much further than that?

"Isabella Swan, open this door!" my father commanded in a hard voice.

I looked at him, shocked. "Swan?" I asked. Isn't her surname Cullen now? And why did 'Swan' sound so familiar?

"Her birth surname," he advised me briefly. I considered that while he continued with his calling. "You know the rules, young lady! If you do not—"

My hand slapped over his mouth, stopping his assault through the door. He sputtered wordlessly, slapping my hand away. Hard. I gasped slightly, but my father didn't even acknowledge that I had interrupted his sentence. Well, so much for that effect. I rubbed my suddenly red hand.

"What on earth is that girl doing?" he wondered quietly before shoving his shoulder against the door. It didn't budge. "Isabella! Unlock this door now!" Carlisle yelled continuous threats. He was frantic and talked to her like she was listening.

But it took a few minutes before it dawned on me – so hard that t nearly knocked me out – that Bella _wasn't_ going to respond.

I could feel the color leaving my face.

"Dad!" I shouted over him, getting his attention. He snapped his head to look at me, ready to give me heck for the tone probably, but I just ignored it all. "Do you hear that?" I demanded, and not giving him the chance to answer, said, "Nothing. Dad, Bella isn't going to respond."

We both took deep breaths.

"One...two...three!"

I liked to think I was the brilliant one in the family, but with the current situation – having Bella involved – just set off my mind track. So my dad took over in all his doctor-ish goodness. Who knew he could be anything besides just medical smart? It was his idea to _try_ and break down the door between the two of us. He said he didn't want to alert the others about what may or may not have been happening, which I could completely understand; Esme and Alice would have had a heart attack, and Emmett would have broken the door down himself.

We probably could have used him within our first few tries. It took about seven tries before the door was out of our way. For a few seconds we had to catch out laboured breath – hell, I could hardly think straight because of all the energy we'd just used! – and I momentarily thought about what my mother would say when she saw the door. Probably ground me. As I regained my breath faster than my dad, I straightened from being hunched over, patting Dad on the back as he wrestled with his breath.

But stopped.

In seemed that at that moment _everything_ stopped, and all I could focus on was what lay before me.

"Dad," I whispered brokenly, "call an ambulance now."

I think he straightened up to take his own look, when I heard him gasp. "Dear Jesus!" he yelled in shock, stumbling back.

Shaking my head fast I pushed his arm, not caring the force I put into it. "Ambulance now!" I shouted, running over to the bed. I heard his feet carrying him away at a fast speed.

What did she do. It wasn't even a question. What the fuck did Bella do.

My body was shaking at the scene before me – one straight from a horror film. Slowly, my eyes traced over every aspect of her body. Her form was set, that much was clear; she'd intended on this position. Her face was blank, pale, clear, unmoving. My heart thumped brutally. Blood was smeared on every inch of it, bright and red, as well as her hair was matted and tinted in the substance. My eyes traveled downward, tracing over the shallow red lines on her shoulders, neck, collarbones and chest. Bella killed her skin. She killed it all. As I continued in my sad assault, I noticed her arms, pulled up to lay over her heart, and almost heaved up my empty stomach.

Sticking from the silvery skin of hers was a long blade. I knew in seconds that that could be what was mainly draining her life. It was sickening to think – even worse to imagine her – stabbing her wrist like that, and knew it was no mistake; she meant to hit that main vein that carried all that blood. I continued to analyze her, memorizing her as I realized I would never see her again. Bella was gone. Long gone.

The truth hurt more than it should – I mean, I barely knew her. Well, she barely knew me. I knew her pretty well.

As I was about to turn away, getting sickened by how horrible she looked, wondering why she would do this, I realized something so important.

And before I knew it I was kneeled on the bed beside her, getting blood all over me. My movements shifted her and her cupped hands fell beside her. I stilled in my stop, just inches from taking her pulse. The iPod, I thought, noticing the iPod – red through and through – laying beside her, fallen from her hands. What could be so important...I began the thought, but ceased it and reached over to the grip the slippery iPod and stuff it in my pocket.

"Slippery!" I breathed when my mind used the word. If her blood was still wet it couldn't have been too long ago that this happened. I fumbled to check her pulse, looking for even the slightest of movements, maybe small, irregular thumps or even shallow breaths. At this point, I was scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Taking some minor shifts for experience with my father at the hospital, was paying off at the given moment. I'd expected it to have to impact for when I finished university and such; never did I think I would need it so soon or in this situation.

My eyes closed automatically as my head hung, my hand resting on her neck as I counted the shallow thumps of her pulse, cringing at the distance between each.

---

She was hanging on by a string, the thinnest of them all.

The ambulance arrived in minutes and by that time, my whole family knew of what happened. They knew she tried to commit suicide yet again, and she'd come so close. Actually, she was still teetering on the brink, leaning from life to death. Alice stood in the front hall while she bawled her eyes out and Emmett held her, while I held my mom; Dad was helping upstairs as they were preparing her to be rushed to the hospital. I didn't have it in me to stay there and watch from the sidelines, knowing that nothing I could do could have an effect or assistance to her. The only thing I could do is sit on the sidelines and watch as helpless as the rest of my family.

I thought my mom was going to lose it when Bella was being loaded into the ambulance with my father in tow. Sure, it had been about two weeks that Bella had been in Forks, but I knew what my mom felt for Bella; Bella was like her second daughter. I knew that. I was aware of it. And I had a feeling it would be taken away from her soon.

It took all of twenty minutes of commotion around the house before it was only Emmett, Alice, my mom and I. We were still frozen in the entry in complete silence, and I could practically hear the wheels turning in my mom's head; she was definitely thinking something through. I was scared of my mom's thought processes. They could be leading to any possibility, and most importantly, to one that would send Bella back across the US. There was no chance that that would be happening, because I would gladly make sure of it.

If there was one thing she didn't deserve, it was to go back to the depths of her old life. When she moved in with us, became one of the Cullens, and shared with me that past she was dealing with, I knew this could be a new opening for her. To let her live a new life and move on from the memories she had kept inside of her. But when I saw her lying in her own blood, on the brink of death, I knew immediately that it wouldn't go away. Bella would need clinical help if anything, at the very least, and even that would b a long shot. The poor girl had to live with her past as a sex slave and a long-lost son. I knew I would have killed myself already? Sure she did make a few crazy and insane choices, but as I thought about it, she kept in together fairly well, considering.

Rubbing the back of my neck, I released my arm from around my mother's waist, barely apologizing for the bright red smear I left on her navy sweater. I remembered, just hardly, that I was covered in Bella's blood. I needed a shower now.

I didn't glance at my siblings as I started for the stairs and they finally released their poses of stress and shock.

"Edward, where are you going?" Alice asked quietly. I don't think she even ment to stop me from where I was going.

"I need to take a shower," I mumbled, climbing the stairs slowly.

My mom sighed, a sad and impatient sound. "No, Edward," she said, "I think we need to talk." Of course she did. I stepped back a few stairs so I could see her, and met three pairs of blank and sad eyes.

Sighing, I said, "I don't want to talk" and continued up the stairs. I was pleasantly surprised when no one stopped me again, but I almost did it myself when I heard Alice starting to sob. Alice loved Bella a lot, welcomed her with wide-open arms. There was another reason for Bella to live through this mishap.

As I made it upstairs, I was sure not to even glance at Bella's door, knowing she may never be in that room even again. When I closed the door behind me I was about to throw myself on my bed and try to get myself under control before I could cry like the fucking pussy I was turning into, but I resisted and headed for my bathroom. I finally got a good look at myself in the mirror, but I had to look away. This was Bella's blood. The blood from her body. The blood she needed to survive right now.

The clothes were sticky to peel off, like it was glue and not blood, but I managed through it and dropped them to the tiled floor as I stepped in the warm shower.

It was hard to think, hard to come to terms with everything. Sure Bella hadn't been perfect today, her first day of school, but I didn't think it would come to this. Wasn't she ready to be trust into an actual environment for learning yet? Hadn't I comforted her enough for her to realize she was safe without fault? But mostly importantly, had I not worked so hard for Bella to trust me with everything she had, to be the one person she could rely on, and failed miserably?

I'd failed her completely. Obviously I'd done something to push her over the edge, after everything I'd did to try and help me. Why'd I have to fuck it up? I wondered.

I made the shower quick, allowing the hot water to create a temporary barrier between me and my emotions. Bella would be fine. That's all that matter. She would be fine because she was the strongest woman I'd ever met. If she had survived all that torture and pain, then she could bypass this with no problems. I continued to repeat it all as I finished watching the blood drain down in pink waves, turning off the shower and stepping out. I quickly dried off and slipped on a pair of gray sweatpants, knowing I wasn't going anywhere – fuck, I'm not going anywhere until I knew Bella's fine for sure. Maybe to the hospital but that's it.

Going back to my bathroom I picked up my clothes with intentions to throw them in the shower until I felt the need to deal with them, when something fell from the pocket of my jeans and hit the tiles with thump like plastic almost. Looking down, surrounded by a smear of blood was the iPod I'd put in my pocket. The one Bella had been holding. Tossing my clothes in the shower and closing the door on my way out – it looked so wrong with all the blood that I couldn't stand the sight – I sat on my bed with the little piece of metal.

It was odd that she had been holding this so tightly and _close_ to her when I'd found her. It would have been one thing for it to be in her hand, but it wasn't. It more positioned over her heart than anything. Obviously planned and coordinated. She'd also been listening to it in the kitchen when her mood changed and she had homework, then she was sick, and then all the double meanings...

Seeing it wasn't on lock I pressed the middle button gingerly, and the little piece lit up brightly. I stared at the screen, not comprehending what I saw in front of me. Was that...? No, it couldn't be. Um, could it?

He looked just like Bella. He had her dark curls perfectly and something about the face reminded me of her, though the baby's was clearly chubbier. "Bella's baby," I breathed to myself, looking at the picture intently.

This had to have pushed her over the edge, I thought. But why would she have put pictures on here that would make her emotional?  
This was something I had to know when I went to see her.

"No," I mumbled stubbornly into my pillow. "I'm taking a sick day."

My mom sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed. "I figured as much," she admitted, rubbing my bare back. "Well, go for it. I think you need it, and sense I know you'll end up going to see Bella at the hospital, can you have your father call me?" I nodded guiltily. Of course I was going to stay home and leave as soon as she was gone to work to go see her. But I was kind of hoping _not_ to see my father. "He didn't come home last night or call," she added.

I nodded into my pillow.

"And let me know what's going on," she added, and the bed shifted as she stood. I felt her kiss my exposed cheek quickly. "Love you."

I nodded again mutely. She chuckled before I heard the door close.

We didn't know what to think of the fact my father hadn't come home because it could work two ways. Either it was good or bad. I couldn't allow myself to think of a negative possibility for what could be happening at the hospital; no conclusions could be made until I get to see her. It was seven-thirty in the morning and I knew I couldn't sleep. Hell, I hadn't slept all night. The memories of what happened to Bella were on my mind, especially what _could_ happen. What if she died? I knew I wouldn't be sleeping at all then.

Sitting on the edge of my bed with my bare feet planted on the floor, my head fell into my hands in frustration.

It wasn't a matter of why I cared so much – why couldn't I get it off my mind? That's the real question. I kept remembering how she was barely breathing, as her life drained away merciful less and she slowly slipped away from me.

Wait – what!?

_Me_? What about the rest of my family? Fuck, I didn't know what I was even thinking.

I ran my hands through my hair as I stood from the bed, sighing exasperatedly. Obviously, I wasn't thinking clearly. As I stood from my bed, grabbing the pack of cigarettes inside my bedside drawer and headed for the balcony, there was a tiny knock on the door, way too quiet to be Emmett. Looking down at the pack in my hands I remembered something I'd learned from Bella.

Keeping things in didn't always equal to something so positive, but when you let something out sometimes it only gets better. Sometimes it only gets worse. I'd been keeping this whole smoking addiction from my family for a few months now and I didn't dare tell a soul for what my mom may do to me if she knew. But I learned form the best that only bad things could happen if I kept it in for too long.

So I lit up in my very own room as I called out, "Come in!" The door opened and Alice entered slowly, but stopped when she saw what I was doing. I opened the door to air out the room before it could fill with smoke and turned toward my little sister. "Don't freak out..." I warned.

"Edward!" she whispered menacingly, crossing the room to stand in front of me. "That stuff's bad for you!"

I sighed. Alice had never let things go easily, always being a bit of a hard ass. "What did you want?" I asked casually. "I'm going to see Bella soon so make it quick." I couldn't believe how nonchalant and at ease I sounded, like Bella was more than my adopted sister. The way I talked about her...it sounded like something more.

She shook her head. "I'll get on your ass for this later," she warned half-heartedly. "But I just came to see if your okay."

Rubbing the back of my head with my free hand, I said, "I'm fine." But I wondered just what _fine_ entailed. Did it mean I was okay that Bella was in the hospital, that she may or may not be dead? Or did it mean I didn't care about what happened? I exhaled a thin gray bubble of smoke. "Alice, I don't know if I'm okay," I admitted quietly, ashamed that I didn't know my own emotions. Especially my emotions toward Bella. "I may be okay, but at this point I don't know."

Her little head cocked to the side like she needed a better angle to look at me. "Are you scared she's going to die?" she asked softly.

At her words I looked away, over her shoulder and tried to avoid her eyes. "How can you ask that?" I whispered. "Your even going to school and you haven't shed a tear today."

She scowled. "I cried myself to sleep last night," she told me flatly. "I'm worried, but I'm trying to keep my mind off of it. But I think its bad because Dad hasn't come home." She looked at the floor, frowning as her eyes watered. I wanted to reach out to her but she blinked them away and put on a strong face. "Edward, how much do you care about her?" Alice wondered.

"Obviously I care about her..." I started.

"But how much?" she interrupted. "Because I think its more than just a brother and sister relationship."

"More." It wasn't a question but a repeat of what I realized had to be fact. Did I care about her? Yes. Did I worry about her when I knew she was fine? Yes. Did I think about her and what she'd told me about her life? Absolutely. Did I wish I could help her, cleanse the past from her memories? You bet your ass.

What did I feel for Bella? A few times I'd always felt a little unbalanced in my emotions when I was around her, during those very short periods, and I'd always thought I was just tired. But what if what I was actually feeling was something more? Something way more than just Bella being my adopted sister? Its impossible, I decided quickly, shaking the very thought from my head. There was no way that I could be feeling that for my _sister_. I sighed, thinking _Bella isn't my sister._

There was only one way to figure out what I was feeling, and it involved seeing Bella.

---

At nine a.m. I walked through the doors of Forks General Hospital and headed for my dad's office. I didn't understand how my mom and sister could be so at ease when we didn't know if a member of our family was dead or not; I was sure Emmett was somewhat relaxed as well. But when I saw my dad, he was anything but what the rest of my family seemed to be. Standing in the door of his office, I watched as he frantically flipped though papers. He had to be running on no sleep and a ton of coffee to still be awake and alert.

"Dad?" I said loudly, catching his attention as he looked up started, jumping slightly in his chair.

Okay, so maybe not too alert.

"Oh, Edward," he breathed, a hand clapped over his heart. "You scared me." Glancing at the clock, he added, "And I can see your not at school."

I shrugged. "I'm taking a personal day," I told him casually.

"Can't be that personal if you're here," Dad said, setting his paperwork aside. I wondered if it had to do with Bella, or even worse, with Bella's death. "What's up?"

My eyes widened as I looked at my father, noticing the bags under his eyes. "You haven't been home all night after Bella was wheeled out and barely breathing, and you want to know why I'm here?" That was too hard to wrap my head around. Shouldn't he have known that I was curious if Bella was still breathing because I took time off of school and was standing in the _hospital_, in his office?

Carlisle stood from behind his desk and started toward me. As he reached out to pat me on the back, like a motion of comfort, but I shied away as he said, "Edward..."

"Dad, is she alive or not?" I demanded in a whisper, voice thick with sadness. Bella couldn't be dead. She couldn't. I'd had yet to see her smile, to see her happy – it was one thing I so badly wanted. "Just cut the shit and tell me."

He bowed his head for a moment and I felt a weird wave of dizziness. I knew it, I thought. She's gone. Carlisle lifted his head with a blank look on his face as he gripped my bicep. "Come with me," he whispered, jerking his head to the door.

I couldn't do so much as move my feet as he guided me down the hallway, passing many coworkers who gave us pitiful looks. They must have known about what happened. A part of me wanted to be ashamed that I lived in the same house as someone so depressed, so suicidal, but I couldn't bring myself to take pity on that kind of thing. I only thought of what would be to come.

My dad led me through a course of hallways, ones I was mostly familiar with form my experiences here, though I was not impressed with where we were. This was the area that I hated visiting, hating being in the sad atmosphere. This was the wing where they placed people that needed special attention, where people died the most from an arrange of sicknesses or causes. Then Bella isn't dead, I realized, the thought oddly flat. If she was in this area there was a good chance it was coming.

"Edward," Carlisle said as he stopped in front of a door, hand on the knob, "realize she isn't in good condition." I hyper-nodded, eager to get inside the room and test what I was feeling. And not just that, but seeing Bella.

The door opened slowly and he gestured me inside. I tried to take a deep breath to ready myself for the worst as I stepped over the threshold and into the white room.

She was laying on the bed, covered in white gauze and steady beating thumping in the room. Her dark hair fanned out on the white pillow as she laid motionless. Bella was beautiful, that much I couldn't deny, and seeing her there gave me a warm feeling inside. I didn't like the feeling. But it was something that I could just ignore. As cheesy as it sounds, it was like seeing her filled me with butterflies and a yellow light shined around my visual of her. My feelings were fuzzy for this woman, but I knew it ran deeper than I'd thought. Deeper than I expected of my new sister.

"She's in a coma," I realized flatly, but seemed to find a silver light in this dark tunnel. "But she will live, right? There's a good chance she'll wake up?" The questions fell frantically as I watched Bella's face, blank and peaceful.

When he didn't answer right away I looked back at him as he gazed at her motionless form. After a few moment he looked up at me with a slight smile. Why did I have a bad feeling that he was seeing the same thing Alice had been, about mixed feelings?

"She could wake up any hour now, Edward. That chances are great."

**

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**Yay! I think that's in favour of a few words from my favourite people here on FanFiction – the beautiful people that review **_**An Intense Dark Side!**_

**-Mickey**


	15. Waking Up

**Its not the end! You all will love this! Don't forget to review!**

EPOV

As my father left the room I sat down at the stiff chair beside her bed, grabbing her cold hand in mine. I didn't like feeling how cold she was because of the bad feeling that gave me inside. It was slightly nauseating. I missed the warmth of her skin, the warmth of her breath, the rise and fall of her chest – everything that showed she was alive and physically well. Even if she was emotionally tortured. Like the time she stayed with me at night, in my room, my bed, the night she'd told me about everything she'd been hiding.

That night had been so different, but not a bad different. It was..._special_.

I pulled out my phone to call Alice, realizing I had to find my dad to tell him to call Mom. "Edward, is she okay!?" Alice's shrill voice rang out.

"Wow, not even a hello?" I joked. But I knew there was very little funny in the situation. I sighed. "She's in a coma," I told my sister, "but there's a really good chance she'll wake up any day now."

She let out a loud breath. "That's good," she breathed. I think she was crying almost. "Are you with her now?"

My eyes trailed over the stilled pale face with the fane of dark hair. "Yeah. I am."

"Edward, are you okay?" she asked seriously.

"I really don't know," I sighed. "But I have to go, Alice. I'll see you when you get home."

As I was ready to hang up she interrupted. "Actually, I want to come see her," she said quietly. "Will she still be there during my lunch period?"

It would have been shameful for me to admit that I didn't want to leave and didn't have any plans to do so any time soon. "I can if you want me to be," I offered nonchalantly.

"Sure. That might be best."

And too soon, I was almost fully alone. Almost.

Alice came around eleven-thirty, and at that point my dad was still there. We stood quietly, watching her in what I assumed to be a creepy-like fashion. I was surprised no one was questioning me for what happened – I was still thinking my family was on to something, especially my dad. But I guess if he wanted to he would have done it when we were alone. Naturally, Alice cried slightly and questioned Bella's sanity. I think I defender Bella a little too forcefully because it led to a little tussle between Alice and I. But Dad helped defend Bella on my account. I was grateful, but I knew I would be put through interrogations later.

Alice was gone soon after, which left my father and I alone. I wasn't too thrilled about being alone with him, knowing he was more observant than my mom or Alice or Emmett. I wondered what he would be seeing or thinking with how I acted around Bella, even in her unconscious state. Did he see what I was feeling inside?

"Your mom's going to be here in a few minutes," Dad said.

I nodded as I sat in the chair again, getting comfortable. "You should really get some rest. You haven't slept in over twenty-four hours, and coffee can't do _that_ much for your mental awareness."

He chuckled, but sobered up quickly. A sad look crossed his face. "I'm worried about her," he admitted, running a hand over her hair, smoothing it down. I nodded mutely, watching her face and wishing some sign of life would flash there. "I know your worried about her," he continued. I looked up, but he wasn't looking at me; only at Bella, much like the same thing I couldn't keep my eyes from.

"How?"

"Edward, I can see that your worried." He looked up at me seriously. Unusually, I wanted to cower in a corner in fright of the any questions. He grunted, sighing as he walked around to stand against the wall next to me. It felt too quiet in the small room, odd and uninviting.

Not being able to take the silence anymore, I asked, "What do you want to talk about, Dad?"

That was all the start he needed.

"Edward, there's been way too much going on with this girl," he started. I watched his face closely, inspecting as the words flowed. "Your mother is breaking down so much and is emotional because she thinks she's doing something wrong with Bella. I know everyone loves her and she fits in so perfectly, she's a part of us as if she were blood, but its come down to two options." Carlisle took a deep breath and dropped the bomb. "Either she starts therapy or she needs to go back to Florida." He shook his head sadly, hanging his face so I couldn't see him too well.

The feeling inside me was far from welcome at this point. "Why?" I whispered.

"Listen, Edward, I know your close to her," he blurted quickly, shaking his head, but I stopped him.

"You can't—" I started, but Dad returned the favour by interrupting me.

"Let me finish," he said. "I know your close to her so I need you to share what's going on." I was shaking my head before he was even done. My dad scowled, frowning. "Edward, I need to know before we send her to a therapist."

"I'm not going to disregard her trust," because I have feelings for her, "and I'm not going to let you send her away, either," because I have feelings for her. I sighed at the blanks my brain filled in for me. "Your not going to help her," I mumbled.

My father didn't have a response and left soon after. I was alone again with an unconscious Bella and feeling oddly torn and _dead_. These emotions were fucking with my brain.

Everyone took their time to see Bella that first day and occasionally went to visit her. I, however, wasn't an occasional visitor. Sometimes I went to see her during lunch, but mostly it was after school for hours and hours. I usually did my homework there or just sat in silence. I was still unsure as to why she wouldn't wake up yet. Carlisle said she almost woke up once but it was a false alarm. Her heart stopped beating once in the earlier days of the week, so my visits became more often until I was sure she was fine.

By the time I got home everyone was usually having their "down time" and didn't feel up interrogating me.

I think that Alice knew something was going on, and not just because she had some kind of sixth sense, but because she knew me that well. One night she tried to talk to me and before I could shut her out, she started making some good points. Pretty much, she was seeing the same thing I was beginning to _feel_. That was when I finally pushed her from my room, when she started making good and scary points.

Truthfully, I hadn't been totally thinking that I loved Bella. I was just centering it to main feelings. I'd come so close to losing her once, that was like a practise for the real thing. This was the real thing, the one that could really cost her life. Before Bella, I'd never known what I'd be missing, and then she showed up like a force of nature ad changed everything. I knew what I would be losing again, I knew what boredom I would be going back to. Maybe it was wrong to say because of what it entailed, but Bella had kept me more alert than ever about the things around me. I'd always thought of my family so simply, not like we were different or anything special. We cared about each other, we loved each other, and that's all that ever mattered to us. Its all that should.

I thought everyone had a family like I did. Loving and caring and there for one another. I didn't know what bad was out there, either, until Bella came along.

She changed everything, and I knew she couldn't leave just like that.

_One month later..._

BPOV

My eyes fluttered open slowly before I could register a sound. Before I could even think I had a weird sense of déjà vu. Had I been here before? I looked around. No, this didn't have any resemblance to the hell I'd always pictured. Even if there was a slight chance that I went to heaven it wouldn't look like this either. I sighed, debating what had happened. I tried to grasp at the dull memories, put them together to make some sort of sense.

There was...blood. A lot of blood. And...and an...an iPod? Um...my mind shifted through its filter. Uh, pictures. Pictures? And white...white stuff – drugs. Yes, there were drugs. So much blood! Razors and blades, too. "What?" I whispered to myself, looking around the small, compact room.

This is a hospital, I realized as tears pricked my eyes. The steady beeping in the room alerted me to this fact. A tear ran down my cheek, falling to the hospital gown covering my chest. Why did this keep happening to me? Why couldn't God do me even one little favour that would end my pain and suffering?

I sighed, struggled to sit up but felt a horrible shot of pain surge in my body. I groaned, trying to move. My body was hard and stiff, in constant pain. Memories flooded through my mind and I tearlessly sobbed through the images. Realizing I couldn't get up because I was attached to multiple machines, I pressed the red button beside my bed.

A few seconds passed before a young female nurse walked in fairly fast, leaning back on her heels as she stared at me, looking oddly astonished.

"Oh, uh," she sputtered. "Your finally awake."

"I..." I couldn't get the words out right in my haze of confusion. "What do you mean, 'finally?'" I asked cautiously.

"Isabella, you've been in a coma for over a month."

My mouth fell open, gaping at her in shock, eyes wide. "A coma?" I whispered, my voice breaking over the word. She nodded mutely, watching me like I was a bomb about to explode. "Is Dr. Cullen here?" I sighed.

"Um, no, but he'll want to know your awake," she said.

"Okay, can you call him, then?"

The nurse nodded and left the room.

A coma, my mind repeated. I was in a coma for over a month? I _put_ myself in a coma for over a month? I rubbed the tears away from my eyes as they started to overflow, cascading down my cheeks at a steady pace. I noticed the gauze my arms were wrapped in and took the time to inspect the rest of my body. The skin I could see was covered in shallow pink and red scars. I'd look like a freak, and I knew it. A very bulky bandage was on my left wrist, bigger than the others. I recalled what happened there easily, remembering the blade I'd tried to finish the job with. I wiggled in the bed uncomfortably at the memory, feeling a sudden wave of dizziness.

I wondered what everyone was thinking of me now, because I did, in fact, live. I didn't want to – it hadn't been my plan. But it happened. What could I do now? I could hardly live with myself now, how was I going to continue on? I was lost in my own world and I didn't have a clue of life. What did God expect me to do at this point? He kept me awake when I didn't want to – he had to have some master plans for me.

What would the Cullens do with me now? Send me away? Well I couldn't blame them because I would have gotten rid of me awhile ago. I shouldn't have even been in their household, where I could mess up their perfect family with that weird connection they all had together. I shouldn't have been one to stand in the middle of that. If they didn't let me go then I would do it myself.

The door opened so quickly that I could barely register how stood in front of me. I expected the nurse to tell me that Carlisle was on his way, that soon someone else would be here to tell me what was going on. But it wasn't the nurse, or even Carlisle.

"Edward?" My voice was hoarse and scratched my throat, breaking on the single word. "What are you doing here?"

He shrugged, plopping into the chair by my bed. For the first time I noticed the familiar backpack sitting against the wall. How long had he been here? I wondered. He seemed too relaxed here, but I could see something in his eyes. Something new, something bright. Was he _excited_ to see me? I thought in confusion. Shouldn't he be disappointed by now? Hate me, even?

"Why did you do it?" Edward asked, not accusingly but curiously. I sighed, feeling a certain wetness in my eyes. I couldn't meet his eyes, feeling ashamed of myself for the very first time. "Bella," he persisted, standing to sit on the side of my bed. He reached into his pocket. "Does it have anything to do with this?" His voice was quiet, monotone as he reached in his pocket and pulled something out. I stared at it, uncomprehending. It was an iPod.

I shook my head. "What, no—" I started, but stopped when I remembered what happened. "Yes," I breathed quietly, running my nail over the gauze on my left wrist. "Can I have that back?" I whispered, looking up at him again. It was hard to make eye contact with him because of how horrible I felt and ashamed. The look in his eyes made me feel regretful, upset with myself, and I'd never been one to feel like that of what I did. Sure, cutting was unhealthy but it misplaced the pain, so I couldn't be unhappy if it would temporarily make me feel better. For the first time I _wanted_ to gain Edward's respect.

Maybe I wasn't a disgrace in my own eyes, but I knew Edward had to see it. We'd talked before, but I knew he had to think of me as a horrible person. A disgust. A taint to their family, the Cullens. At this point I couldn't be vowing that I would never cut again, that I would never do drugs again, that I wouldn't try to kill myself again, but I knew I did not want to be looked down upon. Especially by the person that understood me most, that took the time to care, and the one I wanted to respect me most.

"I want to know why," Edward said sternly, slipping the flat metal back in his pocket. "Why did you do this?" he repeated.

I sighed, rubbing my eyes on the back of my hand, which was covering in the white material. I sniffled, trying to control my tears and emotions. "Because I don't deserve to live. There's too much pain for me to keep going on. There's nothing in this world that's worth my presence here. I just wanted to end the suffering."

"But Bella, your not worthless," Edward said. He sounded pained that I even thought of myself like this. "I don't know why you would think of yourself like that." It was like he'd read my mind perfectly.

"Give me the iPod," I whispered, rubbing my eyes more. "I'll show you why I deserve to die." I watched carefully as he reached into his pocket again, more hesitantly than before, gazing at me with just as much apprehension. He handed it to me carefully and I just stared at it, remembering the last image I saw on there. Shaking my head I turned it on, fighting back tears.

His next words startled me. "I've seen the picture, Bella," he said quietly. "When I...when I found you I saw it. I hope you don't mind that I had it."

I quickly shook my head, my eyes watering slightly. "I didn't know he filled this with pictures of him." He nodded twice, understanding who I was talking about. I pulled up the picture and my throat and chest immediately felt tight. The sadness in the pit of my stomach stung like a snake's bite. Before I could start sobbing incoherently I turned the screen around for Edward to see. Even though he'd claimed to have already seen it, he nodded slowly, sadly, his eyes seeming to darken. I don't understand how he could seem to feel my own pain, but I think that showed what an amazing person Edward was.

"Bella, this isn't your fault," he insisted softly, his eyes pleading for me to understand where he was coming from. My hands clenched together and my eyes followed, a lump rising in my throat. "Bella, please, listen to me. I'm not just trying to make you feel better because I know your in pain and you won't tell anyone. But you _have_ to tell me. You can't just lie to me, because I always see through it. Tell me why you think this is all your fault," he insisted.

Even though I was very grateful to how understanding he was, I was beginning to wonder _why _he was so understanding about all this.

My eyes fell to the picture again, memorizing each adorable curve of Gabe's plump cheeks. "He was so _perfect_, Edward," I whispered. Suddenly, I felt a hand wrap around my right one that was laying beside my thigh, the one that wasn't holding the iPod, and felt Edward gently squeeze my hand. I squeezed back reflexively, taking a deep breath at the new comfort. "Edward, he was _my_ baby, I carried him and I gave birth to him." My words started rushing and my voice became frantic. "And I just let him go. I didn't try to get him back, I didn't try to take him with me. I didn't do anything – I didn't know what to do. And now he's gone and I'm never going to see him again and he's going to think I didn't love and he'll never know that I really, _really_ did!..."

By the time my words were out the tears were falling down my cheeks, and it didn't take long before I completely fell apart. Everything just crashed down and hit me like a bucket of cold water. I think a part of me hoped that one day I would see my son again, that one day he would be back in my arms. But I would never put him in harm's way, which included alerting anyone else, that was of authority, to what happened or that he even existed. Only bad could come of it. And I would protect my son no matter how far away from him I was. No matter where I was, no matter who I was with, I would do everything I could to protect him.

Edward's hand moved up my arm, ghosting over the bandages and rubbing carefully on my shoulder. It was a weak comforting gesture, and I knew he could do something better than that to help me. I moved over in the bed, noticing the machines were on my left side, making room for him. He gently lay down facing me. I dropped the pictures in seconds and fell into his embrace. His arms closed around me as I cried into his shirt, soaking it completely, and then soaking his skin thoroughly. But he didn't move away from me. It was like he knew when I needed support most, and this being one of those times, he was ready to give it to me.

As I cried myself dry I nestled into his chest, inhaling his scent before I fell asleep in the hospital bed, cuddling with Edward.

**How beautiful! In a interestingly depressing and weirdly exciting way! Now I didn't respond to any reviews that questioned if the story was done. Truth be told, I wanted to make you all squirm! **

**I know you all what to review to express your newly found excitement, so let's hear it!**


	16. Hurting

**Warning: short chapter! More will be coming. While your waiting, check out "Lost and Gained" buy yours truly, and "The Only Exception." Updates soon!**

***Okay, I have no idea how the hell I did that....but fuck! How the fuck did I mess that up!? Oh great, now I'm flustered. Sorry for the confusion, but this is the real chapter! I AM SO SORRY! I FEEL SO EMBARRASSED!!!!**

_Rescued – Jack's Mannequin_

BPOV

My eyes were sealed, sticky with sleep and grogginess, and while I breathed in Edward's neck my senses were overwhelmed with that luscious scent on him. I couldn't understand what I was hearing around me, but there were voices, an arrange of voices echoing around me. Under my cheek Edward's chest was vibrating and I had a feeling he was doing most of the talking. If I woke they would most definitely stop and I would never know what was being said when I wasn't around.

I snuggled closer into Edward's body, getting as close to him as I could with the blankets in between us. His arms tightened, pulling me even closer. I imagined we had to be sharing the single pillow very closely with our faces only inches.

"You can't do that," Edward whispered loudly, voice fierce. "I won't allow it."

Its Carlisle that answered. "You don't have a say in it. We need to fix her, Edward, you can't just protect her like this. And I think a physiologist can help her with these issues that are eating away at her."

"Dad, you don't even know what's going on with her," Edward snapped. The vibration in his chest jerked me closer, and I suppressed the urge to squeal at the sudden movement, but I kept quiet. I wouldn't know what was going on if I woke.

"Then enlighten me, Edward." His voice was stronger, holding so much power. "Tell me what is going on with her, because _she_ isn't going to tell me. Certainly she has told you."

"Why would you think that?"

"Because of how close you are to her. Stop stalling and speak." I'd never heard Carlisle so frustrated, so annoyed, especially with one of his children. This was a first and I couldn't even see their facial expressions. But something about the tone made me realize I probably didn't want to. I held my breath through the silence.

Edward couldn't betray me. He wouldn't. He was too much of a nice person for that. I prayed with everything I had that he wouldn't say a thing.

"We'll its none of your business." _I love you, Edward!_

Wait – what? _Love?_ No, I didn't mean it like that, I thought quickly with a sudden rise of panic. I just meant...that I care and I'm overly grateful for all that he's been keeping from his family. That's all. I wondered if what I was telling myself was real or if it was just what I wanted to hear. No, certainly I didn't love him. I was just...showing my gratitude that I could trust him. Besides, love doesn't even exist. How could it with the way my life has gone?

"Do you realize what jeopardy you could be putting the whole family through by keeping something?" Carlisle demanded, his voice rising. "Do you have any understanding of this situation? Or are you too busy with protecting her that you can't see the world around you?" He was getting so harsh. I wanted to intercept, but I didn't. I couldn't.

"Do you realize what your would be putting Bella through?" Edward shot back, and I grimaced at my name, though I knew they were talking about me. Before Carlisle could respond, Edward said, "Just go, Dad. This conversation is long done." A few seconds later the door closed with a soft click. I didn't realize I was even shaking my head until Edward said, "He just doesn't understand, Bella." I didn't even realize I was crying until he added, "Don't cry about it."

I sat up, his arms falling off of me, shaking my head as I continued to cry. "Edward, don't you see this?" I asked weakly, my voce slowly gaining momentum. I held out both my arms. "Do you see all this?" I gestured to the marks that now marred my skin, the blood soaked bandages. "How can you tell me not to cry?"

"But Bella, you don't have to cry about this," Edward insisted. "Your going to get better and I'm going to help you."

Rubbing my face with the upper side of my arm, I said, "How? Why do you think that?"

"Because your not going to be alone." His voice was sure and so _so_ soft. I didn't know what to say to that. I'd been alone all my life, I'd been suicidal for most my life, done drugs most my life. What was going to change at this time? "Bella," Edward said, "you have me. I'm not going anywhere."

It only made me want to cry.

"Edward, how can you say that?" I sobbed. "After all I've done, after everything I've put your family through, you still want to help me?" How could that possibly be? I hated to say it, but I was fucked up. I'm very fucked up, actually. Not just a little, a lot, and its not just something you can ignore. How could he?

"Bella, do you really think I'm that kind of person?" He seemed offended. "I wouldn't just leave you if you need help. And Bella, you need a lot of help." He laughed humourlessly, shrugging his shoulders. Even I had to crack a smile.

Well, at least he wasn't under the wrong assumption.

"What can you do?" I asked in a small voice as my smile faded. I didn't want to be dependent on him – I'd never been dependent on anyone in my entire life – but I couldn't let this chance get me by. I did want to get better, I did want to move on, and Edward was pretty much the only one that wanted to help me. The only one that really cared. And that meant so much, about as much as getting my depression to lighten slightly. "Its not therapy, though...right?" I added quickly.

His eyes dropped and he gave me a timid smile. Shit. "Bella, it's the only option..." he tried weakly, but even he knew it was a lost effort.

"Edward! I can't!" I exploded. "I can't just go in there and talk to someone! Do you know what that will do to me? I used to go to therapy all the time to tell the therapist to fuck off, and that's it. I can't tell someone...I just can't!" A sob broke from my chest as I imagined myself having to relive it all so some could make a couple hundred dollars.

"No, Bella, you just need to rest now," he decided. "Please just...please just sleep. We can talk later. You just need to rest some more." He stood up from the bed but didn't head for the door; he paced with his hands in his hair, clearly frustrated. "I don't want to talk about this now," he mumbled, shaking his head.

I struggled to sit up, ignoring the bursts of pain in my body. "Well, I do. And you know I can't just talk about it. Edward, you have to know me that good by now, that I can't just...fucking talk about being raped and pregnant and depressed and addicted to drugs, and so on. Why the fuck would you think I would be okay with therapy? I've done it a dozen of times and I'm so fed up with it. Was it even your idea?" If it was only his then I wouldn't even need to think about.

"No, it was my dad's. And its not an idea, because its positive, set in rock. Your going to therapy, Bella, I fought with him, but I know I can't win it." He was frustrated, I could tell.

"I'm not going," I said, meaning to sound sure of myself, but I actually sounded whiny. I already opened the wounds once and they were now fresh and wide. The last thing I needed was the go deeper into the details that struck hard. I couldn't do it. I knew already that it would lead to yet another suicidal attempt, or worse.

"You are."

"I'm not."

"You are."

"I'm not."

"You fucking are going to a fucking therapist, Bella. You heard what my father said, its not an option. You need help, how can you deny that?"

I felt like crying, that's how much he was upsetting me. "I do need help," I snapped. "How can you think I don't know that? I just want to get better, Edward, I want to stop being depressed and I want to stop trying to kill myself. I want it all to stop, but talking about being raped over and over doesn't help anyone. Talking about how my own child was ripped away from me isn't going to help me, either. Don't you get that I can't just talk about it? I'm constantly thinking about what could have happened for my life if my parents hadn't killed themselves. What could have happened if I wasn't constantly moving around." I couldn't stop the tears from falling down my face. "Everything is fucked, Edward, and I will get better by myself, therapist be damned!"

Leaning back, I sighed and took a deep breath. It felt better to recline, rather use all my muscles to keep myself up. "Edward, I think you should leave," I mumbled, looking at the blankets covering me.

"You know what?" he asked rhetorically. "I think your right." I watched with a heavy heart as he walked away, letting the door close hard behind him.

I felt horrible even though I'd really done nothing wrong.

Curling up under the blankets, I closed my eyes and wished this whole nightmare away.

***

I woke up after a nice three hour sleep, but my attitude was no better. I was brought some of that crappy hospital food that made me want to gag and I declined it with some force. Hospital food was like eating sand, so I pushed it away and didn't even waver when I was pleaded to eat.

The clock on the iPod Edward had so "generously" left said it was almost seven o'clock at night. The thing that shocked me the most was that I still hadn't seen Carlisle. He hadn't even come to check on me once. The people that checked on me were all nurses. They didn't say much either, but I couldn't complain to that.

I didn't see Edward again that night, but I did see Alice. She came to visit with Emmett, and at first I was nervous. What if they were mad at me? What if all they wanted to do is yell and tell me all I've done wrong, even though they don't know the half of it? But they each held a bouquet of flowers so I knew most was all right so far. Nothing I could quite complain about to them, to anyone for that matter.

"Aren't they pretty?" Alice gushed as she set both bouquets on the chair Edward had been occupying. Ugh..._Edward_. "It was my idea," she added proudly.

"Thanks, Alice," I said honestly, giving her a small smile, which was all I could muster up. I turned to the big, burly brother. "Emmett."

He smiled, but there was a weird pain in his eyes. "Hey, Bells. How you feeing?"

There was a visible pain to both of them that I could see and made me feel bad. Why was I doing this to such a perfect family? I only hoped that the damage I was doing was repairable and that it wasn't effecting them much. They didn't deserve to be brought down to my level; there was just something about them that...that made me wish I could be just like them. But I was forever messed and nothing could possibly change that.

"I'm fine." Now, what did _fine_ entail? Bearable? Tolerable? Ready to try for the next attempt?

Alice hoped on the bed and I immediately winced at the sudden shot of pain through my body. She apologized quickly and laid down next to me, similar as Edward had. Damn..._Edward_. I swallowed the lump in my throat. She moved my arm so it was laying on my body and there was no bad pressure on it. Alice laid her head on my chest and I felt a warm wave of...What was that? I tried to ponder this, but she started talking, demanding my attention immediately.

"You won't get to come home for awhile," she murmured conversationally. I immediately looked at Emmett to see his expression. It was blank and he shrugged. "Dad said they had to keep an eye on your blood levels or whatever." I nodded mutely. "Are you okay?" she asked again, moving to look right at me.

"I don't know," I said truthfully, so quiet I didn't know if they heard. But they were silent, and Alice avoided my eyes.

After a second she broke the silence and I cringed at her words.

"Listen, I'm sorry if Forks is that bad. I'm sorry if we've messed up your life or are messing you up completely, its just...Esme wanted another daughter and the only option was adoption. We really didn't want to pull you away from your life in Jacksonville – we only wanted you to be happy. To be a part of our family."

I listened to her words intently and thought I would have a nice warm feeling from them. But I didn't. Actually, I felt even worse. A replacement. That's all I was. I was in this family because they wanted a new member and not because of the kindness in their hearts. What did they want? A girl that they could call their own and replace what they couldn't have. I was being pulled under by the Cullens and I couldn't do anything about it. I wanted to go home...

_But where is home?_

"Bella, why did you do it?" Alice asked, snapping me from my thoughts.

"I don't know," I lied quietly, looking out the window at the blurry scenery.

"Well there has to be a reason," Emmett provoked softly, obviously trying to get it out of me as well.

For once I met both their eyes as steadily as I could. "But it doesn't mean I'm going to tell you."

**It was short, I know...But I was getting a kind of block there for a few days. Words just weren't coming right. Too much stress, I guess. **_**Anyway, **_**Edward and Bella fight over therapy. I never thought I'd see the day. Well, you know to drill...review and show me the love!**

**-Mickey**


	17. Returning

**Warning: Short chapter. Its really hard to write when Bella can't really do much in the hospital, so there will definitely be a nice little time jump. **

BPOV

I was on bed rest for too long and I could feel a lot of pain whenever I moved. I didn't get to leave the room, I was confined in this small, compact space, and I felt suffocated. The Cullens visited kind of frequently, but Edward never showed up again. When I finally saw Esme she didn't mention what happened; in fact, she brought a box of cupcakes. I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know what to do. Carlisle didn't speak much, only enough to confirm my new therapy sessions. I cried myself to sleep that night because that alone brought back so many memories. When I begged he only shrugged and claimed it to be in my best interest.

Never would it be a lie if I said I didn't want to get better. Edward had a tough way of proving it to me, that I was this messed up and that I needed help, but now that I was seeing how it effecting someone other than Alice and I, I felt even more ashamed. _Depressed_ and _ashamed_ were what I felt my entire life – I barely knew how to be happy. I barely knew how to smile, how feel genuinely pleased with the way my life is going (as if it were going in a significant direction).

Therapy opens wounds and doesn't always guarantee a happy and successful ending. I knew that. I have gone so many times that I know their most common questions to ask besides "how does that make you feel." What if therapy intensified what I was already feeling, which was already pretty harsh? I couldn't keep bringing this family down, spiralling them into hell. They were so perfect – I knew they were perfect before they adopted me, before they signed themselves up for a personal hell. I actually felt more than horrible and ashamed for myself, something that exceeded it all.

Because Alice was becoming much more comfortable in the hospital room with me, she visited a lot. Like right now.

"How are you feeling?" she asked as she bounced on the end of my bed. It didn't hurt as much anymore, not like earlier in the week. "I can't wait till you come home."

"Fine," I replied automatically. It was the same response I gave everyone that I was beginning to believe it myself. I wondered for a second if it was true. "I'm on antidepressants," I added quietly.

Alice nodded. "Dad told me. They'll help you, Bella, I looked it up," she said proudly.

"Where?" I asked dubiously.

"Wikipedia."

"Then don't believe it."

She laughed, shaking the bed slightly. Even I forced out a smile. "Even if they do make you gain weight and give you a sexual block, they'll make you better, Bella. Don't you want to feel better?"

I struggled with her question, still shaken over her bland comment of reference to sex. "Of course, Alice," I mumbled, fidgeting so much I almost made my fingers bleed. "But that doesn't matter. Its just...its just not going to happen like that easy. Antidepressants can't work that well."

She shrugged. "Can I ask you something?" she asked, a smile lighting her face.  
"What?" I asked wearily.

"Well, I was just realizing that I don't know you." She looked kind of embarrassed. "We haven't really gotten to talk with...everything that's been going on. I was just curious about a few things... But you don't have to answer if you don't want." I nodded mutely, suddenly terrified. I already knew her questions would be no walk in the park. "I know this is invasive, but...do you have a boyfriend? Or did you?" I wondered if the question had any relation to James.

Just thinking his name sent a horrible twinge down my spine. I'd come so close to a replay of my past life with him, and I hadn't even known it. Edward was looking out for me. Again.

"I haven't had a boyfriend before," I said carefully, thinking back to hoe Vincent had dubbed me his "wife." No, that didn't count in any way to having a boyfriend. How could I even think...

"So you haven't had sex then?" Alice asked, unashamed of her question. "Or have you?"

The heat on my face didn't even begin to explain it. "Alice, I'd rather not talk about it," I said hastily, shifting my weight around. "I'm, um, really tired."

"But you just woke up!" she complained, not even seeing how uncomfortable this was making me.

"So? I just need some more sleep, Ali, please?" I paused, searching for another plea bargain. "Please, just...leave." I hated to have to kick her out, but I couldn't take it anymore. Ever sense I woke from my coma, I'd been in a dead phase – like after you have a panic attack. You feel drained, dead and gone.

That's how I felt and no antidepressants could ever fix that.

EPOV

I was nearly going crazy.

I fucked up majorly. I shouldn't have said those things to her. I'd seen on TV was therapy did to people, what it could cause, and I knew Bella wasn't any exception to that. But I'd never quite heard of anyone who went through what she did. I talked to my dad and he said there was no option because "without it she will be destroyed." I could see it happening.

Some things couldn't be changed and I wondered how that would work for her and our family.

Outside the hospital I was leaning against the concrete wall, smoking and deciding if I should go in to talk to her. I've never known how weird it feels to be mad at the girl you love.

Just as I thought I was going to venture in the doors swung open and my sister emerged. She stopped when she saw me.

"Why are you smoking?" Alice demanded, looking from the cigarette to my eyes.

"It relieves tension, Alice," I said, dazed in my own thoughts. "Were you just talking to Bella?"

She nodded slowly, apprehensive.

"How is she?" I asked wearily. What I really meant was: _When is she coming home?_

A weird look crossed Alice's face as she leaned against the wall a few feet away, obviously trying to put some space between her and the smoke. "She's kind of grumpy. She kicked me out."

I barked out a laugh. "She did?" I asked, amused. "What's you do?"

"Nothing," Alice said defensively. "I just wanted to know more about her so I asked about her past boyfriends. Is that so wrong? I was just curious."

Well, it _shouldn't_ have been a big deal. "What did you ask, Alice?" I demanded, tossing my cigarette to the ground.

"Just about her boyfriends."

"And?" I pressed.  
"I guess I asked if she had sex before because we kind of got on the topic of it..." She looked sheepish.

But I didn't stick around long enough to give her hell.

Pushing through the doors I headed for the elevator and going for Bella's room. I couldn't expect Alice to not ask those kinds of questions – girls are always talking to each other about that stuff – but I had a good idea of the effect it could have on Bella. Would she be having panic attack when I got in there? I really hoped not because I couldn't deal too well with emotional girls. It wasn't an easy thing because they always had so many _tears_ and the sobbing and... It was too much for any guy to handle.

But she was asleep in the hospital bed, tucking in and quiet. There was a slight redness around her eyes. She shed at least one tear.

_Two weeks later..._

BPOV

It had been so long sense I'd been back to the Cullens. I looked consciously around the foyer, taking in the familiar surroundings. It had been almost two months sense I had been here and it didn't feel right. Like I shouldn't be here.

"Come on, Bella," Edward said, gesturing to the stairs. I followed him quietly up the steps as the voices faded from the kitchen and living room. I wasn't quite being shadowed yet, only Edward stuck close to me. What shape my room would be in, I didn't know. I didn't want to know. My vague memories of the way it had been left were horrible. How could that be cleaned up?

"Don't worry," he said, as if reading my mind. "Everything's clean and fresh."

Leading the way back to my room Edward opened the door and made a grand gesture to it. The room looked just how I remembered it, the same from the very beginning. The bed was made, sleek in golds and reds, the blankets pulled back to reveal the mass of pillows. The closet door was still open – I remembered the last time I had been there. Was there still specks of blood? I hoped to God they had gone through all that too.

The sliding door was open, allowing a light breeze to blow through the room.

"I hope your okay with this, Bella," Edward said, gazing at the room just like I was.

I felt startled. "With what?"

"This whole setup," he clarified. "Like the fact people have been going through your stuff, the fact your going to be alone. Are you sure your okay with all this? Including the therapy and antidepressants."

"They're not going to do anything," I mumbled. "Only take up my time with having to take them." I jingled the bottle of pills and tossed them on the bed. They rolled off the other side and fell to the floor.

"Look, I don't want to offend you, but..." he hesitated. "You won't overdose, will you?"

_Offend_ wasn't the right word. "What's the point?" I muttered. "It never works."

"So your giving up?"

"I guess you could say that," I said quietly.

"Why?"

I looked at him, bewildered. "Are you objecting? I just stated that I'm doing trying to..." I skipped saying the word. "And you want to know _why_?" If anything I thought he would be giving me a pat on the back.

For a moment he considered my words, thinking carefully. Then he said, "Do you think its that easy?"

"Well, I hope," I admitted ruefully. "Because I don't want it to happen again."

Because now, I'm just a walking zombie. A depressed walking zombie.

**Should Bella and Edward be getting together soon?**

**-SeraphimXOX**


	18. Dead

**If you read the last chapter thoroughly you would know that Bella has personally had enough of the suicidal ways. She's given up.**

**Just to clear up the air....**

**Now I know this chapter is short, but I know you guys deserve something. I tried to make it as long as possible, so the next chapter will be dramatic. I promise. It will be shocking! And pretty **_**fine**_**...**

**Reminder: If you have any questions or are wondering when a certain chapter will be out, feel free to twitter me! .com/MickeyAJHealey **

_Window panes come crashing down  
Amidst the tears and pain  
Vanishing hopes are gone and flew away  
Up above through twilight  
Shadows cast across the floor  
Reflections of the past  
Trembling thoughts of one  
Dwelling deep within the soul  
A mystical sense of reality  
Captured by the craze  
All in bewilderment  
Of the shock in the wave  
Creatures of the dimness  
Chattering amongst the green  
Everything slows in stillness  
What is this we see?_

BPOV

I have Bipolar Disorder.

After only a week of being home – being back to the Cullens – and three days of therapy I was diagnosed. _I should have known_, my mind screamed. It should have been that obvious to me that I had bipolar, and if not to me, then someone besides a therapist. Not only did I not like Dr. Phil, but I hated him more that he was right. It would have been nicer if he had been oblivious and say I was fine, let me be and keep the wounds closed, but only an idiot would ignore the obvious signs.

So now I had a lot of pills to take, a few I wasn't too sure of, but there was always someone there to make sure I took them and prompting them down. Emmett always made jokes, Esme always silent, Alice always _not_ silent, and Carlisle lecturing me constantly about one thing or another: Edward was different. Ugh, I laughed to myself. Of course he's different. I mean, he even let me sleep in his bed again.

That was the most surprising of all. And it wasn't even me who asked; he offered with a huge explanation. Edward seemed flustered. I did too when I answered, but in the morning I realized how much better if felt to not be alone. I don't know if maybe it was Edward's presence that soothed me, but it was something about being held by someone that doesn't want to hurt you that gave me comfort.

Bipolar dubbed me as depressed, but I felt like I had something more. Was there another level above Bipolar?

I didn't go back to school in the first two weeks of being back from the hospital, and it was like a blessing. Though it gave me time to think, calculate all the things I did wrong in the past, I liked being by myself. Well, almost. Esme didn't work so she was home with me all day. I've never really known what housewives did until I saw Esme the first few days. She never left me alone that much and openly told me that she didn't want me upstairs; I'd nodded silently.

TV had become my best friend when I started swapping foster homes because I never had much freedom. Now if felt like we were personal friends. The Cullens had a massive television set with surround sound, which I probably could have done without because of made things ten times louder. I was curled on the couch like any other day, transfixed in the episode of _America's Next Top Model_. I have no idea what it was about this show that made me like it, but I watched it religiously without missing one. Now it was the only thing I had.

"Are you hungry, honey?" Esme asked, coming into to living room while drying a plate with a dishtowel.

"No," I said quietly, shaking my head once so I didn't seem so bland and dismissive toward her.

She frowned. "But you haven't eaten at all today," Esme complained. She glanced at her watch. "And its almost two in the afternoon. Are you sure?" I nodded and her frown deepened as she turned away.

Can't make everyone happy, I thought, wrapping the blanket around me securely. The hardest part about living with five people was trying to please them all. I just couldn't do it. Alice wants one thing and Esme wants another. Emmett wants me to "get myself in order" and Edward just wants me better. They all wanted something different from me and I didn't know how to give it to them all.

There was no middle ground in this. It was black or white. No gray, no compromise. Either its happening or its not.

***

"Bellaaaaa! Bellaaaaa! Bellaaaaa!" The voice whispered close to ear, very quiet and yet very loud.

"Alice, don't wake her up." It was Emmett, somewhere more distant. Dully I could register the fact the TV was louder and playing something I would never watch.

There was a weird pressure on the side of the couch. "She needs to get up. Its Friday night and we're going to have some fun! Now, maybe I should shake her..."

"Don't even touch her." His voice was hard, like the surface of a rock, and as he spoke I could hear him walking further into the room.

"And what if I do?" I felt a hand on my shoulder, to which I groaned and rolled over, pressing my face into the back of the couch. This sent Alice into a whirl of excitement. "Bella! Yay! We're going into Port Angeles, so get up and get ready." She gasped. "Better yet, I'll help you! Oh my gosh, get up!" Her squealing with ear-shattering. Not only did her excitement hurt but it also annoyed me. That for sure was one thing I did not miss when I was in the hospital.

I must have been asleep for an hour and a half before they all got home from school, and certainly I wanted more sleep. That was easy to say, but not so easy to get. Alice is worse than an earthquake or a tsunami or even a hurricane; she's something combined. When she's ready to hit you can't stop her, only prepare. Be ready for when disaster strikes. Having been asleep when she got home I wasn't prepared.

"I'm tired," I whispered into the cushions, and cooed, "Shh, Alice..."

"No, Bella, we can have some fun," she replied, completely serious, I could hear. I cringed into the couch. There was no way I would leave the confines of this house, much less this couch. "We'll have lotsa fun in P.A.! Just please? I really haven't been out in a long time." Her pleading was almost heart-wrenching.

"Alice," I said as steadily as possible, "I don't want to do anything this weekend. I want to relax and..." I glanced over at Emmett, who was glancing at us in minimal interest. "And get better." No more was needed to be said. Alice had to understand that. Obviously Edward did, and Emmett was getting there, but she had to understand that the concept of "getting better" did not involve partying, or whatever else she had in mind. "I just want to stay in," I added, curling myself in a ball under the blanket.

She scowled. "Well I'm not okay with that! You said that last weekend too!" I looked over at Edward, who sat a few feet away, reclining in an armchair and watching his sister with uneasiness, but Alice stepped right in my view. "Oh, no. He's not helping you get out of this," she warned. "Please! I promise we'll just see a movie." She plopped down on the end of the couch, pouting and hunching over in defeat. "You can even wear..." she wrinkle her nose, "sweatpants."

"Oh, now that's a once in a lifetime offer," Emmett said, barely even looking in our direction, too engrossed in _ANTM._

For a moment I stared at her, contemplating what I could be risking. Well, my sanity has been gone for years. My confidence has been forever smashed. What do I have to lose? When I sighed and hit my head back on the pillow under my head, she squealed. The action must have been that obvious that I could never stand a chance against Alice Cullen.

"Okay, go get dressed!" Alice thrilled, bounding off the couch. "I'll give you the privilege to do it yourself." A throat cleared, obvious and loud. I turned to the sound of Edward making the uncomfortable noise. "Oh," Alice suddenly stuttered. "I mean, er, maybe you'll need help with your hair. I should come to your room with you then. You know...to do your hair." She shrugged.

I sighed, understanding the gesture. "Its okay, Alice," I said as I flipped the blankets off me, "you don't have to make up lies."

Her nose wrinkled as she reached out a hand and picked up a stray piece of my hair gingerly. "Who said I was lying?"

She didn't talk, only listen. He was talked rapidly, quickly, obviously explaining something crucial to our essence. I think I knew what they were speaking about because Edward made wildly gestures, ones that Alice returned with simple nods or what looked like a question. They're talking about me, I thought self-consciously. Edward cared a lot, maybe he was just making sure she was prepared for this. Because he didn't want anything to happen to me.

I sat in Alice's bright yellow Porsche, waiting while they finished up the watch-out-for-her talk. I took it a step further and wore jeans, just to please Alice in a little way. I wore a thicker and longer white sweater, giving room for my thick bandages on my forearms. I didn't look the best and I didn't care. It was Friday night and Alice and I were going to the movies in Port Angeles. I was only going to shut her up. That, and Carlisle recommended some fresh air when I tried to back out again. I think Alice was scared, though, on the inside to take me to the movies with her.

She probably thought I would try something there, maybe because we would be further away from the chances of me getting saved. It was too awkward for me to talk about to anyone about this, to even admit my insecurity, so I didn't know how to reassure her that she had nothing to worry about. Nothing at all.

It was a few minutes before they broke away; Edward headed inside, face set, and Alice skipped down the front steps to the driver's side of the car. Hoping in, she set the radio to the desired station, some pop music filling the car, and pulled out of the driveway. Edward stood in the door, arms crossed and leaning against the frame with a very calculative expression. I squinted through the windshield, but we were already turning down the road before I could get a good look.

"What were you guys talking about?" I asked curiously, turning to look at Alice.

She shrugged, her eyes fixed ahead. "You. Edward just wants me to watch out for you, no big deal."

"Why? What do you have to watch out for?"

A mischievous look came across her face. "For any threat," she said dramatically. I snickered once while Alice laughed furiously. "No, he just really cares, Bella," she said honestly. "All he wants is for you to be normal."

"_Normal?"_ The word was never something I thought of myself or my life, but I didn't think anyone was normal. Everyone had flaws, no one was perfect, no one can be the stereotypical perfect person, perfect family, perfect life.

"Well, he didn't say 'normal', but he wants you better." She seemed to struggle for the words. "Edward – well, all of us, want you happy so we can be a family. When we stopped at one of the only streetlights in Forks, she looked at me with the sadness of expressions, one that melted my heart. "Bella, your part of our family."

I had to look away to avoid tearing up. How did I get accepted by this kind of family? I wondered. I came all the way to Washington from Florida, switching foster home to foster home, horrible family to the next, and here I am now. Maybe not completely happy but close to it. Content.

Maybe I'd also expected to be neglected by the Cullens, too. Just be a background image, make them look good for adopting someone in need. But there was no denying that this family was more than I bargained more, more than I deserved or expected. All they wanted was an addition to their family, while I wanted someone to look after me and a place to call home.

The Cullens were the sweetest, most generous people I'd ever known. They gave me more than I wanted, and I barely even saw it.

"I want us all to be a family," I said honestly.

"And we want you more than anything, Bella," she replied, "but all this depression crap is putting a damper on it. I nearly had to drag you out of the house."

Could I change depression? "I know. But I can't help it," I confided. "I really don't want this whole depressed mood, but its going to take time."

"Yes, Bella, I know. I read up on it," she said proudly, grinning. "But I want to help you get better. You deserve it. And this is the first step. Getting you out there like a normal teenager."

Of course there would be a downside to this, but I was willing to do anything to forget the past and move on.

**My two least favourite things: short and shitty. That's what this chapter kind of was. But I guess it was a more up-to-date on Bella's attitude. Now, here are two things for **_**you**_** to do: review and. Follow. Me. On. Twitter. www (dot) twitter (dot) com/MickeyAJHealey!!**

**Oh, and review!!**

**Next chapter will be out soon and it will be LONNNGGGGGG!**


	19. Hit and Run

**Here we get a little Edward's Point of View and a fresh Alice's POV...and a lot of drama. But I think you guys are REALLY going to like the outcommmeee! **

**By the way, the song I think really goes with this whole trilogy (yes, there will be sequel**_**s**_**) is "Fix You" by The Offspring. Listen to it. Link on my profile! **

**By the way **_**way**_**, if you read this story and your following me on Twitter (MickeyAJHealey) than you would know that I start tweeting about the progress of this story, as well as most my stories. Now here's the funny part. I have started using the short form of **_**An Intense Dark Side**_** – AIDS That's what happens. Now, I find that funny but it must be weird to those who don't know what it means!**

**Just a heads up!**

_With wounds reopened, I accept the tragedy that is me,_

_That is my life without fault. _

_I accept every mistake I have made,_

_I recall every painful memory, and welcome that pain._

_I remember what has happened before,_

_What seems to keep happening,_

_And realize what I have found before me._

EPOV

I didn't like it.

I didn't like it one bit.

"Don't let her out of your sight." She nodded. "And don't let he go anywhere without you. You never know what she'll try." She nodded her head again. I wondered if she was really getting this, because to me this was more important than a movie. This is Bella's life I was trying to protect. "Alice, do you get what I'm saying? Watch her like a fucking hawk."

"Wow, Edward," Alice laughed, somewhat humourless. "You never swear. You must really like this girl. And no," she asked quickly, "I don't mean like a sister. Maybe something more."

I growled. "Alice. Go."

She shrugged. "Okay. You know, we all want her to live too. Its not your responsibility to take care of her or anything. Just be her brother, like Emmett."

"Yeah, well, Emmett's an asshole," I said sharply, cutting a look to Alice's running Porsche. Bella sat there, clearly thinking by the blank expression on her face. More than ever I was very curious what was on her mind. "Just...watch out for her," I sighed, turning back to my sister. This was my resignation.

Her eyes looked me over once, agonizingly slow. Decision dawned her face, and she shrugged. "When I get home we're talking about your feelings for her, got it?" she said fiercely.

This time I shrugged. "There's nothing to talk about," I replied simply. She would never understand. No one would. I gently hit her shoulder. "How get going."

I didn't like this, sending my sister and Bella off to a city all by themselves. I knew Alice could get out of hand very easily. What if she got distracted? What if something happened to Bella? I bit the inside of my lip until I could taste the right amount of blood. If Bella lived without me all these years, what would happen now? Never would I tell her this, but I wonder just how safe she is from everything, from her past. How safe she is from that bastard Vincent.

APOV

Bella is my sister.

I don't care that my mom and dad didn't get it on to make her, or that my mom didn't shove Bella out of her uterus. _Bella is my sister_. I already love her after these two months. So much has happened in that time that its hard to believe that it hasn't been longer.

She's tried to kill herself twice. That's two times too many. In the beginning, I thought she was having a positive effect on my family. I thought she was making us bigger and happier. But I guess I didn't see that Bella never really spent time with us: she was always doing something else somewhere else. I've noticed my family was drifting too, sense Bella arrived. Edward stopped being fun and instead became introverted. I wondered if Bella was having some kind of effect on him.

But then Bella tried to kill herself and I slowly felt my family slipping. Then she tried it again, and I knew we lost it.

Esme was everywhere at once, in speed and constantly talking, worrying over us like Bella had a disease; Dad was always frustrated, always counting over everything he had to take to one place until he was sure he wasn't off; Emmett started trying extra hard to both please my parents and put a smile on everyone's faces, so he started being an ass. I don't think it really helped because he broke two of Mom's favourite lamps.

Not that Mom, Dad, or Emmett don't care, but I don't think they care as much as Edward and I.

We're more in tune with Bella. Well, I tried to be. It seemed Edward was more in tune and prepared than I was with Bella.

Things changed from the time she stepped off the plane in Port Angeles to the time she awake from the coma. Bella has changed our family. Even if there had been some drifting and separation among us, I think we've changed for the greater good: We're stayed together all this time and were there for each other, even when that month was boring and dull. Clearly, we're not a family of five anymore.

There's six of us.

When I heard Bella had awoke, I knew I had to do something. But when she stated therapy and was diagnosed with Bipolar, I knew I had to help her. Bella needed my help, and I was ready to do everything I could to push her out of her comfort zone and show her the positives of life.

The positives of staying alive.

BPOV

"I'm not hungry," I repeated.

Alice groaned, waving away the waiter. "Once again, you need something to eat. Bella, you can't just be anorexic too. Plus, its completely normal to eat in a restaurant," she said flippantly, "all you have to do is decide _what_ to eat." She started humming over the choices on the menu as I watched her eyes scan over the list.

I shuddered at the very thought of food.

Sense I was back to the Cullens, I didn't eat. I never did. Usually I just slept. I replaced food and nutrition with giving into my sleeping habits or pointless TV shows I'd never watch again. Something called _One Tree Hill_ – that's what I replaced lunch with. Breakfast was dusted under the sleeping carpet, but supper was always the most difficult because everyone was together as one. Usually I sat there and pretended to eat, or didn't even hide my disinterest. Sometimes Esme would let me leave from the table earlier.

"No, I'm good," I replied. "Not hungry at all."

"Well I'm ordering you something anyway," she replied dismissively, waving a hand at me. I sat back in our booth and relaxed in the puffy cushions, wiping my clammy hands on my jeans. I was nervous for this night, worried about being in a city with Alice. What would she make me do now? Force me to a dance club? Make me go shopping?"

"Alice, what time is it?"

"Five-thirty, why?" she asked distractedly.

"Just wondering," I lied. "When's the movie starting, exactly?" _I mean, when does it end? As in...when can we go back to Forks? _I liked being confided in the small space of Washington. I felt so vulnerable and _available_ to anyone to just walk by and... I felt numb.

This whole situation was bugging me. I wanted to go home. _Home_ as in the Cullen's. I wanted to feel safe again. Emmett and Edward made me feel more comforted and like there wasn't a chance I would get hurt by something or someone. I felt better when I was around them, or a place where their presence was strong.

Even if it was just Edward.

After this time I felt confident that he wouldn't just sit back and allow something to hurt me.

"It starts at eight-thirty," Alice said, handing both menus to the waiter as he walked off. "And then – I never told you this part, so I hope you don't get mad – we're going to the mall's Midnight Madness Sale."

I slowly felt my calmness waver.

"I hope you don' mind, I just knew that if I told you you wouldn't come," she said matter-of-factly, sipping on her chocolate milkshake. "And then we're gonna party."

I slipped.

"Like hell I'm doing anything by see a God damn movie with you, Alice!" My voice was hard and fierce, and she flinched back like I hurt her.

But she repelled back, just as harsh. "Well, we're going clubbing, so nah!" She stuck our her tongue on the last word and I cracked a smile, which quickly faded when her words sank in.

_Clubbing?_

And she wasn't joking.

I managed to eat something, mostly to satisfy her, before she nearly dragged me from the restaurant. We went straight to the theatre from there and we were a half hour early. We sat and talked. Well, I sat: She talked.

"So are you excited?" she demanded, half her body turned to me and bouncing unnaturally high. "I am. And not just about the movie. You know, Jasper trusts me a lot, so he doesn't care if I go to clubs by myself. Great, right?"

"Does everyone know we're going...out?"

"Yes. Well," she looked sheepish, "no. Only Jas and Em and Rosalie know. I didn't tell anyone else because I knew they would overreact."

I nodded, leaning back in my seat and looking up at the huge blank screen. _Please hurry_, I silently pleaded. _I need some relief from this_. I dully listened to everything Alice said and only tuned in when she started to detail how this night would go. Mostly I waited for when she revealed the time that we would be returning to Forks. That's what I cared about most.

After this movie – and judging by the movie poster outside, it was some violent and slasher film – we were headed off to the club. "Club" meaning a bar that had a specified age limit, which was one that Alice could lift in a snap of her fingers "because she's a Cullen." I'd snorted at this, but she didn't even crack a smile: She was serious. Oh, _boy_. Apparently she has connections at _Onyx_, the night club she planned on dragging me to. "There's a dance floor and a bar, but I promise I won't force you to dance," she'd said. _Oh, how generous, Alice_, I'd thought. But what really was generous was that she didn't, or couldn't force me to change into something that I saw girls wear on TV to clubs.

"It's supposed to be fun," she'd insisted.

Right.

I tried to clearly state that depressed people don't go to bars or clubs, that some us like to be isolated in safety, but Alice didn't buy it. Her plans after the little dose of fun – that was supposed to "excite me and loosen me up, hopefully even de-depress me" – there was a Midnight Madness Sale that Alice was highly depending on. I, however, was having that feeling of _please kill me now_. That, or _give me some drugs. _I needed something to take this new edge off; I just wanted this to end.

The movie that Alice picked out was not what I would have predicted with such a _happy_ girl. But I guess I proved right because we were cowering against each other nearly the entire movie despite the armrest between us. It was amusing the times when she would yelp, because I was silent. I've seen worst to be honest. The blood effects were quite sad really. I mean...not that I would ever admit to anyone, but I have seen a murder before, and even though it is far from pleasant, it was much more realistic. After all, I did live with a rapist and murder, an unhealthy person, and was constantly visited and shared with more unhealthy men. This was nothing new. In fact, it seemed kind of familiar.

It was identical to the movie I'd seen with James. _James_. I sighed aloud, which was masked with a girl letting out an earth-shattering scream on the screen.

James was so nice. There wasn't one bad quality I could pick out of that man, and here I'd abandoned him without even a call. What hurt most was the fact that this horrible and violent film reminded me of him.

Maybe I should go see, I reasoned. He deserved my attention obviously. Maybe he hadn't completely brought me back from the dark, but he did keep my mind off of it for awhile – whether I was at his place, or talking or texting him. Some quality of James's attracted me to him, but I didn't know which.

I'll go see him while Alice does her clubbing, I decided, relaxing back in my chair and exhaling heavily.

When the movie was done I was more than relieved, though Alice was probably more excited for the ending. She was shaken and looked very pale, her eyes wide and wondering.

"Maybe we should go home, Alice," I said quickly, taking the opportunity. As bad as it sounded, I would gladly sacrifice seeing James for going back to Forks. Because I knew that visit would not be pleasant. Clearly, we couldn't keep seeing each other – that I knew. I didn't want to always have to worry about there being someone for me to account to, to always wonder about or sit around for him to hurt me because we can't be _close_.

Would I ever be ready for a relationship?

"Nice try," Alice said, coming to. "We're going to the club, Bella, is that so bad? 'Cause no matter what you say your coming, and your going to have a great time and your going to thank me for this night. Okay?" Without an answer she grabbed my wrist and pulled me for the door of the theatre, completely forgetting about our empty – or full – cups and popcorn bags.

We hustled back into the Volvo – Alice nearly threw me in. She started off in a direction that was quite familiar before everyone started flooding out of the doors of the theatre. It was the direction of James's place.

"Alice, where are we going?" I asked quickly, my heart suddenly thumping quickly.

"To _Onyx_, remember?" she asked. "We're only going to stay for two hours at the most, I promise. I just want you to relax and loosen up before we go shopping."

"I can't drink," I replied.

She snorted. "The hell you can't. My connections have you covered, Bella. Drink whatever you want," she said casually.

I looked over at her, breaking my contact with the road. "What if I don't want to drink?"

"Why wouldn't you?" She sighed after her question. "Look, I just want you to have some fun, and a little dose of alcohol would push you along. Why are you opposed? We're staying in a hotel tonight, so no DUIs."

Because bad things always happen when you drink. I had enough memories to stop an alcoholic from drinking. "I just don't like drinking," I said. "Its not really my thing."

"Sure," she replied, laughing a little. "Sure."

I don't know how she did it, but she did. Outside the club – which was only two blocks of James's apartment – was a long line of people who clearly could not get in. I was still stunned at how many people were interested in clubbing in such a small city, but Alice tugged me right to the front and whispered something to the bouncer. He was tall, it was kind of scary, and probably could have lifted a bus, but Alice didn't seem slightly intimidated. She casually flashed her shiny ID and gestured to me quickly.

He replied with something I didn't hear over the loud music blasting from the open door. Colored lights danced around the sidewalk, peeking out from the heavy doors.

Suddenly Alice grabbed my arm and started pulling me. I realized that we didn't really look like the average club-goer.

And that's how it all started.

I must have sat at the bar for half an hour with Alice, talking – well, yelling over the music – most of the time. She had to have downed one too many drinks, and I'd only had one shot of vodka to shut her up. I knew I was no fun, that I was a "party-pooper", but that was the last thing on my mind at the moment. I shifted on my seat, the cell phone I'd quickly stuck in my jean pocket in case of an emergency rubbing against my leg.

The huge neon clock stated that it was about ten-thirty. Time to make my escape.

"Alice, I'm going to go see a friend, can I just meet you at the hotel later?" I asked hopefully. At my best interest I decided to leave out James's name, because if Edward had such a bad reaction than I could only imagine Alice's.

She wiped her head around from ordering another highly-alcoholic drink with the bartender, peering at me with bloodshot eyes. "Why?" she whined, looking about to cry. "Don't leave me!"

"Can I please meet you at the hotel for the night?" I repeated. "This way you can buy me anything." I clenched my fist as the thought, trying to put my apprehension aside so I could get this part of my life out of the way. I just needed to go see James quickly, to apologize and say "see ya." Well, in a smoother way of course.

"Ugh, fine," she groaned, seeming to sober up instantly. "Have fun! And, Bella," Alice added tenderly, though she was practically yelling over the thumping, "I'm glad your finally loosening up and becoming a Cullen. Very glad." She hugged me quickly, and I blushed at her kind words. Except "loosening up" did not apply to me and probably never would. I knew the only reason she didn't inquire who my "friend" was and didn't insist on me not being alone was because she was wasted.

After writing the information I would need for us to check in in the hotel on a piece of paper the bartender gave Alice, I was on my way, weaving back through the crowd toward the front doors. It was crowded in _Onyx_ and packed with body against body, the scent of sweat and alcohol so strong that my eyes and nose burned. I had a horrible headache from listening to the pounding beat and just sitting there dwelling in complete boredom. Looking back over my shoulder I could see that Alice had no problem with me leaving: She was chatting up the bartender and drinking like a fish. _Jasper trusts me_, her words echoed. There was no reason for me to be worried about her.

I started down the sidewalk, the wind blowing in my face and brushing against my clammy skin, providing so much relief. There wasn't much time to think before I would reach James's place – only two blocks – but I broke down before I even finished one block. Cars were whizzing by on that Friday night, probably heading for the Midnight Madness Sale to be ready before others.

My breathing was one step away from hyperventilating as I pressed my back against the cool brick beside a dark alleyway. The creepy-factor didn't last long as my thoughts were only going one way. I had to talk to James – I mean, I felt so bad for leaving him hanging. And everything I'd heard about James didn't settle right. I couldn't see him anymore; it had to be ended. I didn't have it in me to try and force a relationship into my daily life – I didn't have the will, the ability. Men hurt women. I was familiar with that and I didn't want to risk my slowly-returning sanity.

And I didn't have it in me to pretend love and relationships were a good thing. Or that they even existed.

Things started coming back to me painfully, like little stabs in my heart and stomach with each view. Everything that made me try to kill myself, made me depressed. Things that lead to my being a foster child, Gabe and Vincent. All those things that made me want to jump out in front of a car—

"Bella?"

I whipped my head around, holding back the forming tears as I looked up into the face of James. "Oh, James," I stumbled awkwardly. "I—I didn't see you there...here." I looked at my feet, feeling the heat rise in my cheeks.

His voice seemed dull at first but it quickly mingled to anger. "Well I haven't seen, much less _heard_ from you in over a month. Where have you been?"

This wasn't really a casual conversation and certainly not one I wanted to have. "Look, James," I said, cutting to the chase, "I'm sorry, but I've been really busy lately." Maybe I could get this conversation over with quickly and then go to the hotel for bed.

"Busy?" He stepped closer and the slightest light shone on his face, lighting it in a scary way. I took a step back but I hit the wall hard. "Doing what, Bella? Did you find someone in Forks?"

"James, what are you talking about?" I asked in a small voice. I sounded like a small child pleading for help. "I've just...been thinking a lot and I don't, really...I don't want you and I to continue." Could I have taken up any more time? Could I have sounded any dumber? I wondered. At least the point was getting across. Certainly I probably could have done it better, maybe a little more explanatory, but I'd seen breakups on TV – and they were never pleasant or easy. This was a first for me.

In a fast motion, his palm was across my face. My head whipped with the blow and it felt like I almost broke my neck as the side of my face fell back to hit into the brick wall. I cried out at the shot of pain, but his hand was over my mouth in an instant, his body against mine and his hot breath in my ear.

"Your mine, Bella," James whispered. He had the sickened edge that bad guys always had on TV. "You always will be."

"G-get off me," I stuttered, my eyes blurred with tears and my head clouded with a painful haze. "Get off or I'll scream," I threatened, craning my head away from his dark face and whimpering at the pain it brought.

How could this be happening? No matter what Edward had told me, I wanted to believe that James was a good person. This was supposed to be his opportunity to how what a great guy he is, even if that wouldn't be enough for "us". And here he was, pinning me against a wall like a monster I knew too well from Florida. My throat clenched and unclenched in time with my heart as I saw the similarities.

James's face was dark, masked in the shadows of the dim lighting, but I could see the lint of his eyes. I didn't even have the room to cower back from the emotion I saw there because he was pressed so close.

Suddenly his hand was fisted in the front of my shirt, his knuckles bumping my chin roughly as he whipped he around. I thought I saw him look down both sides of the street before shoving me into the dark of the alleyway. His hand released me when I was shoved and I fell to the ground with there being nothing to grab onto. A pain shot up from my tailbone as I landed on the hard dark pavement. My heart hammered in my chest and my head spun with the sudden movement. The lighting from the street illuminated his figure as he stood over me, a dark menacing shape.

"Scream and I will kill you." I saw him crouch and hear his sneakers screech against the pavement. The water from the alley was soaking through my jeans, the skin of my hands moulding around the small rocks they rested on.

I felt something sharp press to my neck, just under my jaw. My pulse picked up and a gasp caught in my throat, the building scream getting lost somewhere behind it.

There was a snap in the quiet, interrupting my heavy panting of fear, and then the sound of a zipper. Just like that my throat collapsed and I started hyperventilating as the tears rushed down my cheeks and sob etched up my dry throat. I could hear rustling very close to me. My heart folded in on itself.

"Please don't," I sobbed, my voice the only sound in the quietness. "James, please... I'm sorry...just..." I almost saw black with the lack of air circulating around my brain. I saw stars. This couldn't happen again. I couldn't restart all of this, feel what its like to me violated, to be used.

But it was too late.

He swore that if I spoke he would kill me. I felt the sharp object pressing in my throat again, and I released another choked sob. I could feel his hands on the top of my jeans as he fingered the button and unzipped them, pulling them down from my hips to his satisfied distance. I whimpered from the cold. My body started shutting down. A haze circulated my head and eyes as I waited for this to end.

It happened so fast that I barely could register it. He released us both and used the wall for his own leverage, only adding to the horrible pain. What frightened me most was that James was erect. He got off on this rape stuff. He didn't use a condom, either, and he came inside of me. It was like the past all over again, like the things I tried to keep from everyone, the reason I was depressed. I was used to this kind of thing, yes, but I'd buried the wounds so deep, tried to forget them, only for it all to be thrown back in my face. The feeling of rejection, the feeling of hurt and pain. The way being forced into sexual activities takes a huge part away from me.

But I also had an orgasm. James forced that effect from my body when I didn't want it, when I didn't seek it. He gave me a painful orgasm – that I felt from my head to my toes.

James exhaled, satisfied. When he pulled himself out of me I cried out on the sudden pain it brought, like he'd torn me open. It had been so long sense this had happened that I forgot all those horrible internal feelings.

"We should have done that a long time ago, Bella," James said with a laugh. "Can't believe we missed out on it." He kissed me on the lips briefly, running a hand through my hair. I knew I needed a long hot shower to cleanse his scent off me.

When he was all zipped up he left like nothing even happened, strolling casually out of the alley and turning the way I was headed before he caught up to me. I cowered against the brick wall, my jeans and underwear pulled down to my ankles; I shook like I was vibrating. I tried to mask my sobs with my hand while the tears streamed down my face without mercy. I must have cried for five minutes while teetering on the edge of hysteria.

I struggled to slip my jeans on in the dark, leaving them undone. For minutes my face was buried in my arms as I cried and sobbed over what just happened. _Why didn't I believe Edward?_ He told me to stay away from James for all my life was worth – even if that was worth very little. Of course this was supposed to be the last time I would see James, because I was trying to end it, but I shouldn't have went anywhere near him.

My chest rising and falling rapidly, I dug into my pocket for the cell phone I'd put in there for emergencies. I was ready to break down and have a panic attack, and I didn't know if I could support myself alone.

"Edward? I need you to come get me."

**I told you all! This was out very soon**_** and**_** its 4,800 words, be proud and review! **

**Hmm, what should happen next...?**


	20. Heart Race

**Oh, my God, this is chapter 19, already! Wow! Thank you to the reviews for the last chapter – here is your reward!**

**But, just as a quick little note, when reading remember that Bella is severely depressed! She doesn't know how to think positive. Just remember that... **

**And...its short, I know. **

_"Edward? I need you to come get me." _

He was the one I needed now, the one I wanted to talk to. He knew everything; I could trust him with everything. Of course the only thing he would know was that I was _hurt_... Very hurt, inside and out. I needed to feel secure and close to someone that wouldn't hurt me, and Edward was the only viable option. I didn't have to be scared or worried something bad would happen or that I was in danger, because I knew by truth that I felt safer with Edward than I had with anyone in a very long time.

He didn't asked but I could hear a thousand unspoken questioned. He told me he'd be there as soon as possible, but I knew it would take about a half hour for him to get here. I sat on the curb with a cigarette between my lips. When I'd shoved the pack in my pocket I didn't think I'd actually need it, only to escape during Alice's Midnight Madness and puff away. But now I knew I needed it. I finished two in ten minutes and was starting my third when I felt the wetness on my cheeks. I hadn't realized I was crying.

My clothes was dirty, covered in dust, ripped in some places, and there was a few specks of blood dotting the collar of my sweater. I looked horrible, I looked like shit. I looked like I was just raped.

_Only fifteen minutes_, I told myself as my shaky hand set the phone back on the pavement beside me. Then I could go back home and forget all this...shit. The stress was evident by the way I was going through cigarettes. As I was breathing out a breath of smoke I felt a tap on my shoulder. I jumped in shock, inhaling the smoke down my throat and sputtering out in shock.

But it wasn't Edward.

"Here, darling, go find a place to sleep tonight," the old woman said softly, dropping a twenty dollar bill down beside me.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. "I—" But she cut off my protest.

"Just take it and go get yourself something to eat. There's a homeless shelter a few blocks over." And she walked away, fading in the dark just like that. I stared at the space where she had been, shocked and somewhat stunned to numbness.

My fingers played around with the paper as my cigarette burned away, a dull orange fading against the pavement. I didn't need this but I still tucked it in my pocket for safe keeping. Every car that went by caught my attention immediately, but always skidded past. I frowned when this happened for the sixth time. I was counting seconds in my head so carefully that I barely felt when emotions were piercing inside me, until I could no longer see the disappointing cars passing by. My head hurt. My body hurt.

Tears cascaded from my eyes like water in a stream. My heart ached for comfort, for knowledge of safety. I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted to be able to go through those stages of my life and not feel like every breath was a challenge beyond words. All I wanted was to feel..._included._ Its all I've ever wanted sense I'm parents died.

I was pulled from my thoughts by the sound of an engine that sounded too close to be safe. I looked up as a car, basked in silvery lighting from the moon, pulled up beside the road. My stomach lurched for a second but I released a breath held too long. It seemed to allow more tears to escape.

The driver's side door opened and I relaxed my stiff back. I could barely see him but the moon washed his hair in a glorious pale gold color, and I knew it was him. Seeing his face... I made me feel emotional again.

"Bella, Bella, what's wrong?" I heard the scarping of Edward's shoes as he kneeled in front of me. His hands were on the tops of my arms and he was saying so much more to me, but I couldn't hear. It was like he wasn't even talking in the first place, just his mouth moving in front of my face. I finally heard him say: "Bella, talk to me."

I looked up blindly, bleary through the shield of wetness. "Can you take me ho-me?" I asked quietly, my voice catching on the last word.

He didn't reply, only grabbed my arm and gently pulled me to my feet. I would have complained at the force had I not been so wretched that it helped me, rather sent me over the edge. I tried to wipe my eye to be rid of the tears, but a stick substance clung to my eyelashes. Even in the dark I wondered what I looked like. Beaten. Battered. Like crap.

What would he be thinking at this point? What was so wrong that he wasn't saying anything? If I found someone in the state I presumed of myself, I would have a lot of demands and questions: Edward was acting...dead. Like he didn't see or hear anything. Did he not care? Did he not want to know what happened? Not that I was even considering offering it up or anything.

Should I even be relying on Edward to care about what happens to me? That's a lot to expect from someone, I thought. Clearly it was too much of my parents to even consider for any amount of time. I'd never really considered it, but did Edward really care about me? Did he ever feel like my problems were his? Like...he loves me like any brother would love his sister?

"Bella? Bella, listen to me."

I snapped from my own mind. "What?" I swallowed thickly. "What'd you say?" He slammed the passenger side door without a response and started around the hood of the car toward the driver's side. Edward's jaw was so tense that I knew he was mad at me. _Mad_.

I swallowed but realized the lump wasn't going anywhere. I realized Edward had buckled me in, apparently the same time that he helped me into the car.

Edward slammed the door behind him, quite roughly and loud, and started the engine. It purred softly and the car filled with warm air, stinging my cold-to-numb skin but heating it.

Edward didn't pull away from the curb.

In the silence between us, my heavy breathing and quieted sobs, and the car's engine.

"What happened?" he said, somewhat unsteadily, his hands fisted on the steering wheel. "Do you need to go to the hospital?"

I looked down at myself, lit dimly by the dashboard lights. There were dark spatters on my jeans and sweater, and my skin felt sticky and clammy. Like I was just _coated_ in blood. Did he hurt me that much? Was I really beaten that badly? I knew I really blanked out during the...attack, but I didn't remember this many stings of slaps or punches.

"Just take me home," I whispered, looking down at my hands though I couldn't quite see them. "I'm fine."

"Your not fine! Have you seen yourself?" he snapped. I flinched back as his voice sliced through the quiet. _Why was he made at me?_ From beside me I heard him draw in a deep breath. "Were you attacked or something?"

As I opened my mouth to speak, he interrupted with alarm, "Where is Alice? Where is my sister?"

I heart felt like it was ripped open and I didn't even know why.

"She's...shopping," I mumbled. "I just went for a walk and..." I couldn't finish. What did I say to him? I went for a walk and was raped by a man I liked?

"And what? What happened, Bella, I want to know," he insisted, and I could feel his eyes on me.

There was no way I could tell him. No way I could admit it. How much would I bet that he would take me to a hospital for a check-up? But I could truthfully admit that I probably needed a doctor after that.

"Nothing happened. I...I—I fell," I lied. "Um, down. Down...stairs."

"How many?" he challenged. It was evident he didn't believe me.

"I don't count!" I snapped.

He pursed his lips. "What really happened? I'm not stupid, Bella. You look like shit, like someone beat the shit out of you. _What happened?_"

I shook my head, burying my face in my knees. "Just take me back to Forks." When I shivered Edward turned up the heat, making a groaning noise in the back of his throat. "Why are you made at me?" I demanded in a small voice.

He exhaled. "Never said I was."

"But your acting like it."

"Well it _looks_ like someone hurt you. It looks like your really hurt and in pain, and you seem to think that nothing's wrong. Just tell me what happened." But I couldn't tell him – I couldn't tell anyone. The ride back to Forks was silent except for the occasional "tell me" from Edward, but I didn't budge. He asked about Alice a few times – did she need a ride, or if she knew where I was – and I answered as discreetly as possible: "Alice is shopping, and she knew I left...so..."

Esme and Carlisle went out. I didn't really need him to elaborate on that, because I really didn't want to know, but Emmett was back at home. I thought about possibly crossing paths with him this late and cringed. Edward was one thing, but him _and _Emmett would be like... It wouldn't do my resolve choice any easier.

My whole body hurt now, as I was sitting and I could actually feel the effects. I needed to go to bed, rest every muscle in my body.

Edward parked right in the garage but didn't get out immediately. I didn't move, either, on instinct. There was tension, lots of it in the small space and I couldn't decide what to say. _I'm sorry, but I was raped_. No, maybe _I was raped, Edward, by James, but I didn't want you to know because I don't want to feel embarrassed or humiliated. _

Yeah, that ship sailed when I was violated in an alleyway.

"You have to tell me," he mumbled, in a voice like he'd just decided. "What happened to you?"

I shook my head. "Nothing," I mumbled back, and opened my own door and stepped out. I started for the garage door that lead into the kitchen, and I heard his heavy footsteps behind me. I knew he wouldn't let it go that fast.

As my hand met the cool door handle, Edward's hand was on mine. I looked up at him questioningly. "Put this on." He handed me a jacket I hadn't seen before and helped me slip it over my shoulders. "Emmett should be asleep," he added quietly, twisting the handle and slowly opening it. Edward stepped in first and gestured my forward.

I stepped inside and heard complete silence. A lot of the lights were dim if not completely turned off – Emmett had to be asleep. Edward stepped in behind me and toed his boots off, pointing toward the stairs. Arms crossed tightly I started toward the stairs.

Behind me I could hear Edward's breathing, which seemed to stop when I was in the dim lighting of the living room. I wondered what I looked like.

He followed me up the stairs. When I sniffled he skipped a step so we walked side by side and set his arm along my shoulders. I think it was meant to feel something like comfort, and that's what I vaguely felt. Comfort. Pain of being so close to someone. I looked up at him, a little shocked at the action, and caught him looking down at me. But we both averted our eyes quickly, like it was one of those stereotypical awkward glances that I'd always seen on TV or movies.

As we reached the top of the stairs I asked, without looking at Edward, "Can I sleep with you tonight?" There was an understanding between us where that question could never be taken the wrong way.

"Uh, yeah, Bella, of course," he agreed. He led the way down the hall and past Emmett's closed door, where I could hear the faint sounds of the TV. Edward was quick to open the door before I could. I was past the point of feeling weird about asking or actually sleeping next to him because I thought of this more as my room than my actual room, if that made any sense. There was nothing bad or sexual about it, just...comfort.

I sat on the edge of the bed next to Edward and tried to ignore how close he was. It felt weird to just sit here so close to a boy – as if it was less weird to sleep next to him, sometimes _on_ him. The silence felt so...silent.

After I few moments I decided that he had to have something on his mind. Maybe he was ready to play twenty questions again. I took a deep breath and turned to look up at him—

And he kissed me.

I didn't realize how close his face had been to mine until I looked up; his chin just grazed my cheek. As if he had been waiting for me to look up at him, his lips were fast to touch mine. My mouth fell open in shock, but I recovered quickly enough to feel what was really happening.

Edward's hands had fallen to my waist when we made contact and they travelled up my raged clothes to twist in my hair. My my shock wore off, my hands were also gripping his hair. I didn't realize how silky it was until now. I couldn't believe what was happening now: I was kissing my _brother_. I guess we technically weren't related, but Edward was the one to convince me of my position in this family; I'm just as much his sister as Alice. But I realized how much _I didn't care. _This felt...so weird, and it was a feeling I didn't actually want to lose.

We pulled apart and stared at each other. Something simmered in his evergreen eyes, burned like a uncontained fire would, and his lush golden hair was everywhere, like a haystack. I knew I looked at least ten times worse.

When Edward spoke, it was rough and course:

"Here, I'll help you clean up."

**I know you want to revieewww! **


	21. Panic Attack

**Its getting goooooooddddd....! Another short chapter, so...**

I slowly stood up from the bed, my lips tingling in an odd sensation. I stood for a moment both frozen in my own shock and not sure what to do, until Edward stood next to me. Suddenly, I just couldn't look at him because I was confused about what I was feeling. Edward started toward the bathroom but I stayed where I was, unsure of what to do next, and just as I was about to head to my room and retrieve my pyjamas, Edward gestured me in with him. I slowly followed after, and he patted the marble counter.

For a second I deliberated. "Bella, please sit on the counter." Edward wasn't even looking at me, but I quickly complied before he had to repeat himself. He turned around and set a group of bottles and cotton balls, as well as medical tape and bandages, on the counter beside me, and I felt myself shudder. I must have been worse than I'd thought, then I'd guessed to myself. Still, Edward didn't continue talking.

"This will hurt a little," he said so quietly, that I barely heard him. "Just take a deep breath and it will be over soon." He soaked a little white puff in a clear liquid, and I knew exactly what it was as it touched a spot on my forehead. It sent hot electric shocks through my skin, starting in that one area. My hand clutched to the edge of the counter. "Here." He handed me a dark blue towel to scrunch in my hand as he started to dab all over the place: my whole face to my neck and to my exposed chest, and upon his request of remove my sweater, my arms and deeper cleavage. I couldn't fathom how he knew they would be there.

"So who did it?" he finally asked. "Who hurt you, Bella?" I didn't say anything as he taped gauze to a long (and quite painful) gash on my arm. "Tell me right now, or I will call the police and report an attack," Edward threatened, voice full of sureness. "If you just tell me the truth then its not necessary."

Like I didn't know he deserved to know what happened. As if I didn't already have a clue that Edward should know. But I couldn't bring myself to tell him the absolutely truth, mostly because he was right to begin with. He told me to stay away from James, and in my effort to abide by that, I got myself attacked and raped. Just like Rosalie.

"I don't know who it was," I mumbled, "that attacked me."

"Did he do anything else, Bella?"

I think I knew what he was implying. "No." My voice shook, quivered, like a erupting volcano.

He nodded slowly like he was really processing this. No more words were spoken as Edward fixed me up securely. I wondered how he knew all this stuff, how to clean cuts and fix them up, but I didn't want to break the silence to ask. In the end, I was bandaged up like I was almost...well, like I got into a fight, and needless to say, _lost_. But I guess I really did lose something that night. My skin felt raw under all the bandages.

"Here. You can wear these tonight." I snapped out of my trance to look at him and where he gestured to the counter beside me. There was pile of material, one that looked like soft fleece.

I slowly picked up the first item: a big white T-shirt that much have belonged to Edward. "I...I can go get my own pyjamas," I said quietly. "Its okay. Really."

But he shook his head. "Its okay, Bella, just wear them."

Edward turned away and closed the bathroom door behind him.

I wondered if I should put up a viable fight or something. But I didn't. I slipped his clothes on, leaving my bra on the floor of his bathroom with my bloody hoodie. The sweatpants were larger than was needed but comfy. The shirt was just as large and without a bra, my breasts were not hard to see. I let out a deep, uneasy breath.

There was a brush on the counter, which I used to quickly whip through my hair. I hoped he didn't mind too much. My eyelids were slowly drifting with fatigue, exhausted after the entire day; I was too tired to try a shower.

Opening the door I saw Edward flip his phone closed, spread out on the bed. I slowly walked over, hoping for an invite before I just went for it, but laid down on the side I was familiar with: farthest from the bedroom door. "I thought you said that Alice knew you were coming home," he said, actually slightly accusing.

"I—I never said that," I told him. "But did you tell her where I am?"

"Yeah, she was hysterical," he laughed, voice humourless. "But glad your alright."

"Um...Edward..." I said awkwardly, slipping under the thick blankets. "Thank you. A lot." I was still settled on that one brink between stable and teetering. I didn't want to go crazy about this in front of him – heck, I didn't even want him to know that I was raped. I would be in a hospital getting a thorough exam.

Head on the pillow, I watched as he turned off the lights and crawled into bed, also wearing sweatpants. The late moon shone white into the room, as bright as the sun and bathing this face in the pale glow. I sucked in a breath and held it when I felt his hand brush my hair back from the left side of my face. The hand didn't move, only stayed cupping my cheek.

"And I hope you will tell me what happened soon, Bella," he whispered. I swear that when he leaned in the kiss my forehead, my heart stopped completely.

My hand brushed over his forehead so lightly as to not wake him up. His hair was so unruly and he slept deeply beside me. Edward was confusing me. I was confusing myself. I wondered where we stood, but was too afraid to ask. Embarrassed. What if I was interoperating it wrong?

He kissed me. No, we kissed once. The second time he actually kissed me himself. It felt so..._weird_. Not really a bad weird but it didn't send through many emotions I wasn't too sure about. I don't know what I thought about it, though, because I just couldn't really think.

I could admit, without fault, that Edward was beautiful. His hair was a perfect tousled mess on top of his head, and his green eyes, bright as evergreen trees at their peak, were so alluring in a certain way. He had an amazing body too. But that was all the physical stuff; there was also all those inner things that he did. He understood me in ways I didn't quite get, and at times it could easily scare me. Edward was smart, he was a people person. I, however, was not. Never had been.

We were opposites. I thought of the term "when opposites attract" and how that applied to us. I guess in a way Edward was like a rock – my rock. He kept me in line. He was the one to help me through the spurts of depression before my last suicide attempt. Edward was also the one to find me on two occasions, nearly dead. Maybe almost beaten.

My fingers brushed over his plump lips, parted slightly with sleep. I could still feel that tingle on my own lips. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to feel his lips on mine again, to feel his body close to mine and his hands on me again. The feelings were fresh and vibrant. I wondered if he would kiss me again.

I was just holding onto the bit that he wasn't my biological brother. Well, I could barely even call him my brother. We were a total different level than most brothers and sisters, I thought as I placed my palm on his firm cheek. Yes, he was really beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous, in fact. He hand to have many non-depressed girls swooning over him. I never really paid enough attention at school to notice the little things, so I wondered if girls at Forks High were throwing themselves all over him.

I wondered how many of them he kissed, or did other, explicit things with.

My mind wandered to what it would be like to be so intimate with someone that you loved and that loved you back. I shuddered. I couldn't imagine what it was like. The only thing I knew about intimacy was forcefulness, harsh and painful hardcore movements. What would the difference be with someone that you had that strong of a connection with? I wanted to believe that love and physical interaction were real and that they went hand-in-hand, but I really couldn't do too well in convincing myself.

I had an urge to tell about what happened. I was bottling it all up inside and I couldn't expect to just _let it out_.

My skin was still pressed against his, but I quickly ripped it away like it was burning me, turning around so I was seeing out the window. I couldn't stand to just look at him. Slowly I was seeing what I was doing to my family, hurting them like I was feeling. What have they all been put through sense my moving here? Pain, for sure. Blood. Suicide. Probably even drugs.

Esme and Carlisle had to be ready to give me up. I still believed that they were slowly disliking me more and more, and really were thinking about pushing me out of their family once and for all, probably before I could convince Alice that life sucks.

"Bella?"

I jumped, fisting my hand around the blanket covering the mattress. "Yeah?"I tried to sound sleepy but it fell flat.

"Are you okay?" he whispered. "I felt you move..."

"Yeah, I'm fine," I replied quickly.

"You don't sound like it." His voice wasn't pressing and urging, but that tone that I always heard on TV: when a man was always comforting the woman, or extremely curious about something that is on her mind. "Are you ready to tell me what happened?"

I have to, I thought. I need to tell him. I've made the mistake of keeping things in too long before, and that has always resulted horribly. Maybe...if I told him...there would be a better chance that I wouldn't start cutting or buying from that drug dealer. I rolled onto my back and looked up at him. His face was close as he had propped himself up on an elbow. If anyone were to walk in they would think that we were something close to being intimate with each other.

"You were right," I whispered, looking at every part of his face but his eyes. He didn't say anything. "James...he's...he's dangerous," I said carefully, shaking my head of the thoughts that those words brought. "I...I really didn't know what you meant, you know, when you warned me, but the whole Rosalie thing..." The story about what happened with her and James was fresh in my mind like he's told about an hour ago.

"It happened to you." His voice was quite and I could detect no anger or really, any emotion.

I paused for a second. "I just wanted to talk to him for a moment, but he was...going uptown I guess. I don't think he liked what I, what I said to him. I really didn't know...think...it would be that bad..." Looking at his his lips and chin I could see the dark expression forming.

"You..." Suddenly his voice came to life. "You said you didn't need to go to the hospital!" he roared, flying up to sit and stare down. "Fuck, get up! We need to go to the hospital now!"

Edward jumped out of bed and tried to pull me with him. I frowned. I couldn't go to the hospital, not for a rape test to be done on me. I didn't like the invasion. Most of all, I didn't like that this would lead to police involvement.

"No, Edward, I told you because I thought I could trust you!" I objected. He grabbed my hand and pulled me, but when I resisted he pulled me across the bed. "Can we at least do it tomorrow?" I complied. "In Seattle?" The drive was the last thing on my mind. "Or just take me to the pharmacy and get the morning after pill."

"No! Now, Bella," he snapped, searching around his floor. He reached down and pulled up a shirt, slipping it on.

My emotions rolled like waves crashing to shore. "NO, EDWARD!" I wailed, sobbing, slamming my fists down on the bed. It was somewhere between a panic attack and a temper tantrum. Definitely more tantrum than anything. "NOOOO!" I screamed.

In my own ears I sounded like I was in a horror or thriller movie.

It was like he just turned on the "caring man" side instantly. "Shh, Bella." I felt the bed move and my screams never faltered for a second. No, it seemed very panic attack-ish. I couldn't fell my body – like I was numb, and couldn't think or close my mouth. It was like a never-ended supply of breath I had. "Bella, stop screaming!" There was frustration in his voice.

I couldn't breathe and everything just went dark.

**It is kind of short, but I know you all want to review!**


	22. Author's Note :

Everyone knows that an Author's Note is never something exciting.

And that's just what this is: Nothing exciting.

This is being posted to every one of my stories because I need to take a much needed break from it all. As you all can tell the updates are getting short and lifeless, and I absolutely feel horrible because of it. Some stories are marked today as a month sense the last update, and as an author, that it kind of a bitch to think of. All stories are being put on hold. Its my fault for writing five stories at a time, so all you can do is blame me – just don't make me feel bad!

Um...there was more to say...Oh yeah. There may be a few updates here and there, but I think right now the story I am going to put all my focus into is Lost and Gained ( which may be this story, I don't know where this is posted right now ) , so please just forgive me for no updates.

I've been sick lately, school's getting tough, annoying and a total bitch, and ( if you follow me on Twitter!!!!!! ) last night was probably one of the scariest in my life, and I'm still trying to get over it.

Anyway, I am sorry for everything, hopefully I will get back on the writing track soon. Lost and Gained with probably be the first on my updating list and there may be a few here and there.

Sincerely,

SeraphimXOX/Mickey


	23. Damage

There has been a huge delay, but I'm sure all have read the Author's Note, so all I can do is apologize. So this chapter was kind of written in my sleep and this is like sleep-posting, therefore I shall say that its pretty long and not entirely perfect. But I do hope you all enjoy.

BPOV

Something was tickling my back. I woke to a light, feathery feeling gliding up and down my back, the sun shining so brightly that it hurt. I recoiled from where it hit the tops of my eyelids and warmed my entire face. Like the sun had baked my eyelids together with the wetness from early that morning, I slowly cracked them open.

The light practically sliced through my eyes.

I turned, about to nestle myself back into the pillow, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I jumped, coiling into the mattress.

"Bella, its just me." I felt my back tighten and all my muscles clench together. "Bella, I know your awake." There was a kind of playful but weary edge to his voice.

"I'm still tired," I mumbled, wiping the wetness away from under my eyes.

I heard, if not felt, him sigh. "Can we please talk? Just for a bit? I know your not sleeping."

"You don't know that," I snapped, turning around to face him against my better judgement. He looked like he was suffering from a sleepless night. I felt guilty. "I really can't. Can't talk right now," I said. "I just want to sleep before everything goes bad."

"Why are things going to go bad?" This had to be his way of drawing in into the conversation he wanted to have.

"Edward, don't think that your not going to tell someone about last night," I said dubiously. "Everyone knows I've been raped before, that I'm depressed and suicidal – I don't want them knowing that I was raped by James." His eyes closed, biting his lip as he shook his head. Had I even outright told him that I was raped again? I think I said "attacked" before. But Edward wasn't stupid. He _had_ to of guessed it. "I don't want to go through this whole thing again."

For a few moments he didn't open his eyes. He seemed quite quiet actually. My luck was horrible with this kind of thing, this whole getting hurt and raped thing. Why was I the one cursed of being always being hurt? My parents, I knew, were the doing of this. If they just hadn't left me.... I hated these dull memories of the people who made me and didn't care. Who were probably in the deepest hell now, waiting for me and watching my mistakes over and over again.

"Can I take you to the hospital now?" he asked quietly, cracking his eyes open. "You need to have a rape kit done."

"But I don't want to the law involved, Edward, because then everything from the whole Vincent thing will come up. And...I can't deal with that anymore." I was on that verge of crying, if not sobbing, from remembering.

"He needs to pay for what he did, Isabella," he said, voice venomous. "If you won't go to the hospital and report this, I will call it in myself. I'm sorry but I've seen this exact thing happen before, and I'm not about to let it happen to you."

My eyes focused on his face, set in stubborn lines. I knew he wasn't going to budge, because he had seen this whole thing before. Rosalie was assaulted by James as well, proven not guilty and walked. But from what I knew, Rosalie didn't take being raped the way I did. She was so together and beautiful that it was hard to believe that she had that kind of scar carved into her skin. It didn't work out for her, so why would it work out for me?

"I don't want anyone to know," I repeated.

He sighed, throwing the blankets off his body and sitting up. "Get dressed, Bella."

"What? I told you—"

"And I told you to get dressed," he said coldly. "I'll take you to Port Angeles for a rape kit."

I shook my head, feeling alarmed. "I don't want to go to Port Angeles ever again," I told him quietly, my voice shaking. This was definitely a hole I was digging.

He rubbed a hand over his face, visible frustration building. "I'll take you to Seattle, now go get dressed," he commanded quickly.

Slowly I pushed the blankets off my body and sat up, facing out the window, my back to Edward. "You would take me that far?" I asked, quietly surprised.

I felt his eyes on me. "Bella, I would go to the other side of the world for you," he said seriously. "The other side of the _world_."

EPOV

"Where are you guys going?" Emmett demanded, turning around to look over the couch.

"Out," I replied bluntly.

He pressed a few buttons on the TV and raised his eyebrows at me. "Where? Its so freakin' early, man! I shouldn't even be up!"

"Well, that's you, Emmett." I hurried Bella along in putting her shoes on, which sh di painfully slow. "We'll be back in a few hours, if you have any problems with that, you can kiss my ass because I don't give a fuck." Whatever was wrong with me, I didn't care; all I knew was that Bella needed to be at the hospital right now, getting a rape kit done, getting the morning after pill _and_ filing a report on this. None of which she would do unless someone forced her to.

"Well, can I at least come too?" he asked, totally unaffected by what I just said. "I'm so bored without Rose here."

"No. You can't." I was more than surprised that Bella was the one to answer, but the fact they she barely made any sound wasn't too shocking.

"Why not?" he demanded. "If your hiding something, I'll figure out what it is!" _Dramatic ass_, I said to myself, knowing he was just fibbing.

"I'll bring you something back," I told him, rolling my eyes. I could literally see the though pass through his mind.

Emmett squinted. "Red Mill?"

"You got it."

"'Kay, bye." He turned and sauntered back into the kitchen.

On our way out, Bella asked, "What's Red Mill?"

"Emmett's favourite fast food place," I told her. "That place can sucker him out of anything, and I mean _anything." _She nodded a little, but the movement wasn't that distinguishable.

When we got in the car, I turned up the heat upon seeing Bella shiver, but I knew it wasn't from the cold. I hoped she realized that I was doing this for her sake; for the sake of her health and sanity, I was doing this for her.

BPOV

The trees faded to large buildings, and soon the buildings got bigger. Well I guess that's an exaggeration, because we were only in Port Angeles. Edward picked up breakfast, but I wasn't hungry, so sided for a coffee. It was still a long drive to Seattle with nothing to do, and any empty stomach, but that was how I wanted it. Completely empty.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," I mumbled, pulling the sleeves of my sweater down and over my hands. The bandages made ruffling noises under the material. When would I be able to stop having these bandages taped to my arms? They weren't bleeding anymore or anything, they only hurt and rubbed uncomfortably against my clothes. "Do I have to keep wearing these? They're so itchy," I complained.

"It protects the cuts," Edward said quietly, somewhat darkly. He sipped at his coffee as he stared straight ahead, never giving a real, full answer. After a few moments, he finally spoke again. "Are you going to cut again?"

What kind of question is that? I thought, wondering where that would have come from. The reasons were complex for my cutting, but it wasn't something that could be turned off; I couldn't just hit a switch and not feel that urge to displace pain. I looked at him for a second. "I don't know, its not something I choose. I fit happens again, its because its what my body _needs_, not what my brain decides should happen. I don't want it to continue, but sometimes there are things that can't be helped. Like me," I finished.

A frown creased his cheek. "Bella, your not helpless. Why would you think that?"

"Because, Edward," I said, picking at the clear tape on the inside of my wrist. "Because I know how I feel. I know that you know a lot of things I'm not comfortable with you knowing, or anyone really knowing about all this stuff, but I do know that for years I have been a total failure at everything. I failed at protecting my own child, Edward, you know that. I've put myself down the wrong path now, and I can't go back. I'm so helpless, I can't do anything right. Everything's just...messed up. I'm addicted to drugs, I cut myself, and I smoke. I even used to drink."

His eyebrow pulled down. "You are only eighteen, right, Bella?" he asked, confused. I nodded my head. "And you did all that stuff? Drugs and alcohol?" Edward asked, his voice astonished.

"It helped me deal with everything, I told you that," I said irritably. "The drugs always kept me non-lucid and the cutting took pain away. Alcohol...well, I don't know, it was always just there. Drugs and alcohol were always in the house, always supplied. I guess I kind of just always had them there so I was always taking them and using them."

"_He_ supplied you with drugs?"

"Yeah."

"And you just took them?"

I sighed. "Edward, do you really want to know all this for a certain reason? Seriously, I don't want to talk about it." Edward nodded once and didn't say anything. The ride to Seattle was much more tense then, like the words hug in the air like the smoke after a fire. I didn't want to clear that smoke, though, between us, because I figured he had to have a lot of thinking to do and a lot of stuff to process.

What did a rape kit include? I wondered. All those crime shows used to be my best friend when I lived with Vincent and they never went into the detail of what the rape kits included: it was always the whole present-semen thing. Would semen still be present after this time? But I didn't need the confirmation. "Edward, what are they going to test?" I finally asked.

"They'll give you the morning after pill," he said in a tired voice, "and check for any internal problems, or whatever it is they check between your legs, and that should be it."

"But what if they get the police involved?" I persisted. "I don't want them involved, I just want to forget this!"

"You have to report this, Bella," he said evenly, "before he hurts someone else, or he goes for you again."

"I...I don't want everyone to know, though," I objected. "I don't want everyone to know what he did to me, Edward, can't you respect that?"

"I can." His voice was rising too. "But you have to do the right thing here, and that would be reporting this to the police."

I squeezed my fingers into fists. "I don't want everyone to know that I was raped! I don't want this all the repeat again and I don't want to feel that embarrassment." I couldn't imagine what it would feel like to lay on that table as some doctor works between your legs to collect evidence of the rape. I couldn't fathom what it would feel like for people to be able to say, "Hey, that girl was raped; I wonder if she deserved it."

Edward was quiet for a moment, but I could tell that he was getting fed up. "Fine, whatever. If that's what you want, Bella, that's what you get," he snarled. "James can be free to do as he pleases, trick more young and helpless girls like you and rape them. We'll just allow him to do that, right?" It was a condescending question.

Tucking my legs under me, I turned to look out the window without responding to the question. Tears pricked my eyes, but I refused to let him just see me cry like this. I had more questions about the hospital, but figured they could just wait. What was the point in asking if he was only going to be rude to my choices?

I just wished that he was being so demanding for other reasons besides his prejudice.

The Harborview Medical Center was a huge blocky building, nothing compared to Forks General Hospital. I immediately felt intimidated for all the people that would be in there. Edward parked the car – after paying the parking fee – and I carefully unwound myself from my little, captive ball. The hospital was taller than all the buildings in Forks stacked on top of each other. Almost.

I was going in here completely empty-handed, no ID or anything. I wondered if all that junk still applied for rape victims. Edward didn't wait for me – he looked like he was on a mission. I pulled the hood of my sweater over my head, stuffing my hands in my pockets as I walked behind him. "Just let me do all the talking, okay?" Edward finally asked, abounding annoyed. I knew this wasn't a good idea. I nodded my head. We walked up the front steps and into the hospital. It had that stall smell that every hospital seemed to have, edging toward death.

Edward walked right to the front desk where a pretty middle-aged woman sat, typing on a computer. I stood a few feet from Edward as he leaned over and started speaking to her quietly. I wondered what he was saying, but didn't try to prod in; I didn't want to know overly much. Doctors and nurses in scrubs were walking around with clipboards, a few ushering sick-looking people around. My stomach tightened for these people.

"Thank you," Edward said quietly. He turned around to face me and the receptionist peeked around his elbow. "Bella, come with me," he said, gesturing me forward.

He led us down the hallway just to the lest of the desk, and once we were out of sight, I asked, "Where are we going?"

"Emergency," he said. "Rape victims get the 'special treatment.'"

Great. "Yay."

'Special treatment' was no understatement.

When we walked through the emergency doors, Edward went to the service desk and spoke to the woman there. Again, I waited a few steps back. She gave me The Look over Edward's shoulder, and I pulled the sweater up around my ears. There were a few people waiting in the large waiting room, who also gave me the once over. I wondered if they could sense it. I noticed when Edward's hand wandered into his pocket and pulled out his black wallet. I didn't see what he did with it, as it was slipped back into his back pocket.

A nurse pushed out the swinging doors and walked straight to the woman at the desk, where the three of them exchanged words. I took a step forward to hear, but the voices stopped. "Come with me," the nurse said, gesturing me forward. Everyone looked at me instantly, and I felt my cheeks warm. Edward followed as the nurse led me through the doors and down a hallway. It was all white, everything was white and bland. My arms itched. We were led into a room, different from the standard hospital room, with big and little machines lining the walls and a flat table in the center of it all.

A hospital gown lay folded in the center.

"Isabella, if you could change into that and remove all jewellery, we can get this over with." I noticed the nurse talked softly, almost like she didn't want to startle me. It was comforting, and I was sure that that was what she was going for. The nurse left, leaving the door, which I supposed was a signal for Edward to leave as well.

"I'll just be outside," he said, closing the door behind himself. I nodded, though he couldn't see me. Taking off all my clothes, I slipped the gown on; it felt like snuggling inside a plastic bag. I hated wearing one of these things, especially sense it didn't cover my bandages at all. In fact, it pretty much put them on display. After a few moments Edward knocked, and I called him in.

He stood on the other side of the room from where I was perched on the side of the table. "The nurse will give you a sheet to fill out and then take a look," Edward said, arms crossed. "And the Pill." I nodded.

"An internal exam?"

"Yes. She offered to do a swab, but I told her that the police know who he is." Edward didn't mask his frustration and anger. "I'm sure your happy with that?" He raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah, I guess," I admitted, shrugging. I picked at the blue blanket covering the hard table. "Will you stay in here with me?" I asked, embarrassed.

There was a slight hesitation. "I, uh, don't you want some privacy, Bella? This is a really...internal thing?" I think he may have been a little red in the cheeks, just like me.

"I just don't want to be alone while someone's poking and prodding down there." I looked down to spare us both.

"Okay. That's...alright."

I was spread on the table in front of the nurse while Edward stood by my head, looking past me at the floor, after I'd filled out all the paper work. Cold air was touching in places I didn't feel comfortable with. I released my right hand from being locked around the gown and reached for Edward's. He grabbed mine before I could find his. I've never felt so much comfort or security. The nurse was between my legs doing whatever they did to raped victims, with a machine running. It hurt, what she was doing, but I didn't complain aloud, only winced and gripped Edward's hand. A few times the lady had to pry my legs open a little more.

She said I was torn.

Releasing Edward's hand, I sat up on my elbows. "What do you mean?" I said, my chest tightening and forcing a single tear out.

"The outside of your vagina is torn," said the nurse, "and by the severity of it, it looks like multiple attacks of rape." She looked at me pointedly; I looked down at the floor, my jaw quivering. She continued, "This is quite common during rape, when the vagina isn't lubricated enough for intercourse, but it looks like you took quite a beating, Isabella. Has this happened before?"

She doesn't need to know, I thought.

"That's irrelevant," Edward snapped, arms crossed and a challenging look on his face.

The woman nodded once. "When a woman is raped, she tries to protect herself, and by locking muscles you contract the vagina as well. With repeated force to a tightened vagina it can cause internal and external damage, sometimes even permanently."

A few more tears fell. I knew exactly where she was going with this. "Will I ever be the same?"

She gave me a sad smile. "Probably not."

* * *

Okay, its not exactly a cliffy, but there will be elaborate next chapter, so hold on. This is actually a shockingly long one, I thought it would be around 2000 words, not 3300 + words. *smiley face* !

I hope you all loved this because I worked insanely hard today, and that whole AN should be garbage now, because the hard part of school is over, so. *another smiley face*


	24. Conversations

Its been so long, but I'm trying. So smiley face! But I must say that writing "your vagina" is the weirdest thing I've ever had to write. Hahahaha

Oh, and I have posted a one-shot, so check it out if you have the time – vampire lemon!

So if you have been keeping up with Three's a Family you know what shit is up in my grill...And with The Only Exception...is has been **discontinued!** So...sad face.

BPOV

"Rape victims usually do have scars to live with, Isabella, and yours are very...are horribly developed." She was trying to say this gently, but there was nothing gentle about it. "Your vagina is in a permanent state of shock."

I refused to cry over this. Absolutely refused to melt down again over all this, because it shouldn't have been a surprise. "What do you mean?" I asked in a small voice, wondering if I should have excused Edward from the room. I probably wasn't the only one feeling this awkward.

"The trauma is very...prominent, Isabella. There is a chance that in the very, _very_ distant future it may heal and I guess you could say, loosen up." She paused as if giving me time to digest this. But I didn't think I really could take much more. "The things like sexual intercourse or...labour...could be difficult and extremely painful if things don't get better." I barely registered her hesitant way of saying "labour."

Images flashed before my eyes, recalling how painful the birth of Gabe really had been. There hadn't been any pain remedies, it had been all natural. Nothing could be worse than those agonizing hours. In the future, I guess I did suspect I would get married and have a real family. I did believe that that would happen, after I overcame everything, cleansed of the memories and pain and got things in order. I really thought I could leave behind the pain to be "normal". Hearing this was like getting slapped across the face.

I couldn't be normal. Couldn't just have the average job with the husband and kids. My body and heart just wouldn't let me be happy because of the people that had abused them. People I trusted just ripped away. People I enjoyed company with abusing their place in my heart. I didn't want this. Things were getting worse and I had no one to hold onto.

"I think that's good." Edward's voice was lifeless, like a murdered just threatened him.

"All right." The nurse stood up. "You can change, Isabella, and just leave the gown on the bed, okay?" I nodded and started out the door.

Edward didn't leave when the nurse was out of the room, so I didn't move. Was I really supposed to ask him to leave so I could change?

"Bella, I'm sorry I made you do this."

I looked up. "What?"

"I didn't think anything like this," he said quickly, like he had to justify himself. "I really didn't think that there would something like this, Bella. I'm so sorry you had to find out this way..."

"I just want to go home," I mumbled.

He left the room to give me privacy as I quickly changed. I did want to go home, but it wasn't the only thing I wanted. I wanted to cut. I _needed_ to cut. I needed to feel that pain, that pain and blood that only I could control. I wanted it so bad now. I couldn't control that feeling, something like an insatiable thirst. It felt like the right thing to do now, but I knew I was wrong. I shouldn't have wanted to cut. I should have put that whole thing behind me and forgotten about it. I _should_ have. But the nagging feeling just didn't go away.

Setting the gown down on a chair nearby, I left the room as quickly as I could. The image of finding something sharp in there and cutting my wrist was vivid. And unsettling. I ignored Edward's looks of bare sorrow and gestured down the hall. "Just go," I said through my teeth, holding back a sob. At the very least, I wanted to be out of here before I broke down. But as I saw Edward walking in front of me, slow and stiff, I realized I didn't really want to be alone. Of course I didn't. I never wanted to be alone in my life, and its still what I got. I still got that side of the deal.

That sob I'd be fighting escaped in a single gasp of air. Edward didn't even turn around, only stopped in the hall and lifted his arm. Almost like a click sounded I slipped under his arm and against his side. I could never put my finger on what Edward smelled like: it was just a different clean scent. Pure. Tears started to fall and I felt Edward move his arm up behind me. Before I could ask what he was doing, my view was darkened as I felt material over my head. He put my hood up.

It almost seemed like Edward himself was feeling some kind of pain.

When we were out of the hospital and going toward the Volvo – still held under my adoptive brother's arm – I climbed in the backseat rather in front. It was silent as Edward closed the door behind me and got in the driver's seat, adjusting a few controls. I felt cool air hit my face, nearly drying the tears. If they still hadn't been rolling I'd be convinced they would have dried into my skin.

The only time Edward spoke was to ask if I was hungry when he stopped to get Emmett his Silence Food, even though he sounded like he knew the answer: No.

For the ride back to Forks, all I could smell was Emmett's burger. The smell was intoxicating but I didn't feel too hungry. I just wanted to bleed. Curled in the fatal position the whole ride, pressed against the cool seats, I saw the Port Angeles sign right before I feel asleep.

Something, or someone, was jolting me awake, a hand on my shoulder. The surface under me was too soft to be the backseat of Edward's Volvo – it felt like a bed. My eyes opened reluctantly. I wasn't in my room, I was in Edward's.

"Hello Bella, how are you feeling?"

I looked up at Carlisle with mixed emotions, mostly dominated with fatigue. "Hi..."

He sat down at the edge of his bed, folding his hands on his lap. I awkwardly sat up, stuffing under the thick blankets over the bed. "Bella, I was wondering if we could talk. Edward told me you two went to Seattle today...but he never really said why. Would you mind talking to me?"

A lump rose in my throat, making it hard to breath. "S-sure."

"Well," Carlisle started, sounding a little unsure, "I have arranged something for you, Bella, with the help of the high school here. We're going to put you on a correspondence schedule. You will no longer have to attend classes, the work will come to you. How does that sound?" I couldn't respond, only stare. Was he serious? "Bella, are you okay with that?"

Finally I shook my head really fast. "No I don't want to be different," I blurted.

"But your attendance is dying out there," he laughed. "Edward brought it up that he thought you could benefit—"

"Edward decided this? I thought you did...and the school..."

"He just brought it up, and I thought I should listen. I mean...you don't really talk to anyone else, Bella." It probably wasn't intended as an accusation but it certainly felt like it. "He's right though, isn't he? Could you benefit more from doing correspondence?"

I shrugged.

He nodded solemnly. "Try to make a decision soon, Bella, so this can be sorted out, okay?" I nodded slowly, still biting my lip and digging my nails into my thigh. "And there's a few more things..." His green eyes looked piercing. "Emmett said you and Edward went to Seattle today, but no one will tell me why. Would you tell me, Bella?" I shook my head. "No? Okay. Why not?"

"We just went out...for a drive..."

"Yes, Emmett did say you looked disoriented, maybe a little tired. But sad. Are you okay right now?"

No. "Yes."

"Are you sure?"

No. "Yes."

I wasn't seeing the point in twenty questions at the moment, though I could see where Carlisle's curiosity was mounting from. I hadn't been in Forks long but already I have messed with their family. All the ambulance visits, the hospital visits – everything – and yet they still wanted me. Well maybe Carlisle and Esme are seeing otherwise, which I could understand fully.

"I was wondering if you'd like to see a psychologist, Bella."

The blood drained from my face and my fell open. "You...want me to see...I'm not crazy," I whispered brokenly. Every family always sent me to a therapist where they put on drugs to stop anxiety or depression or whatever they thought was wrong. Who liked to hear that the only way to solve their problems was drugs?

"After the cutting accident I thought you'd like to talk to someone," Carlisle said quickly, "and explain what's going on. And fix all this... The only person you ever talk to is Edward, and he won't tell us anything. Esme and I are wondering why we adopted a stranger."

I struggled with my words, too overcome by pain. The pain to cut. "I just want to be normal," I mumbled.

"But Bella, you have these scars on your body, bandages on your arms, your taking anti-depressants... You _can't_ be normal. This is your forever mark." He grabbed my wrist and ran a thumb over a light brown scar. "I want you to be happy here because this is your last year of high school before you go away to college. You need to get the help now while you can."

"I don't want to see a therapist, I have no pent-up anger or depression. I'm fine."

"Does talking to Edward help you, Bella?" he asked curiously, turning to sit Indian-style on the bed. I looked at him wearily.

"I suppose," I admitted at last.

Carlisle nodded. "And?" he pressed. "Does he just listen?" I nodded. "Comfort you?" I shrugged. "Bella," he sighed, exasperated, "I need you to talk, please."

"I don't want to talk anymore," I decided. "Where's Edward?"

"He's helping Alice." Carlisle stood from his son's bed, clearly not pleased with these answers I gave him. "If you ever want to talk, Bella, I'm available."

I almost nodded again. "Okay."

"I'll set you up an appointment soon, too," he added, turning his back on me.

My heart almost went into overdrive. "But I said I don't need—" He was out the door, shutting it behind him and cutting off off my protests. The words melted into the air as I laid back down across the bed.

I despised what therapists stood for, what they pressed out of you and when they made you relive what you really didn't want to. Like the torments of your childhood that were haunting you, and the therapist just wanted to cry it out of you – it was every bit what TV made it seem. The torture I remembered from those sessions...

Edward knocked on the door a few minutes later while I had my head stuck in the pillow, coming to offer food. He sounded so cautious that I looked up at him bleary-eyed. "I'm not going to some stupid therapist. Not so someone can tell me I'm depressed or whatever new things they come up with."

All uneasiness cleared from his face and if anything, he looked stubborn. "But you don't _talk_, Bella," he protested.

"And you don't think I have a say in this? Why should I let you guys just push me into a therapist?"

His reply was so quiet, I almost didn't hear it, but by some un-asked entreaty, I did. "Because otherwise, they're sending you back."

Sense my parents died, I've never felt the comfort of a family would want nothing more than to take care of you. Of course my parents weren't the perfect, all-American family that I wished I'd been born into, but they were something. And because of those people, I have felt a never-ending amount of depression, of sick memories dug into me deep and things fighting against my own sanity. The Cullens gave me a sense of warmth, and all the muscle I was surrounded with provided a safe haven. There were little worries to be imagined.

At first I'd had those uncertainties about the Cullens saying "forget it, let's send her back," and driving me back into my earlier depths. But Edward has given me reassurance, reassurance he was ready to break.

"If I don't go see a therapist...you'll send me back?" I slowly crossed my legs and leaned against the headboard, drawing my legs up to my chest. I didn't think they would do this, that they would just send me back because I was depressed. But they probably wanted someone a little more like Alice, more...bubbly.

"No, no, Bella, its not me," Edward rushed out. "Its not my choice, I tried to tell them not to just send you back because of everything that's been happening, but they decided that if you'll start seeing a therapist and things get better..." Edward drew in a much-needed breath; his face had started to go red. "I said that you would go, Bella."

My mouth fell slack as I raised my head from my knees. "Why did you do that?" I snapped. "I mean, I can't even decide for myself?" My head felt like a million pounds.

"But Bella, I don't want you to go," he whispered quietly, like he was conveying a secret. "Unless...do you want to leave?" I didn't like the note of pain and maybe a little anger in his voice. The way it sounded like someone was putting him under for good made me uneasy.

I hesitated for a moment, wondering what would happen if I said the wrong thing. It was an easy question, though, but I was scared of what he would think about my answer. My eyes couldn't look at his. "I want to stay. I don't ever want to leave, Edward. Ever."

"Bella? Bella, look at me." When I didn't do as he requested, he grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. After a second, I finally lifted my eyes. "Bella, you can stay here as long as you want. I'm not going to just let you go."

"B-but how can you say that?" I stuttered. "It...its not just your decision, Edward, its your parents'. They control whether or not I get to stay here for long. They could kick me out to more, buy me a ticket back to Florida with a heads-up to the adoption center." My chest starting to rise and fall with rapid breaths. I started hyperventilating.

"Calm down! Bella, you need to breath." His hand found its way to my back, rubbing soft but firm circles. I tried to slow down how close together my breaths were coming and going, feeling lightheaded. I felt his hands pull me closer as his arms wound around my back, and I let my face fall against his shoulder, burying my face in his neck.

I was gasping against his neck as tears fell and smeared his skin. The feeling of apology for doing this to him was mild as I concentrated on getting these spots out of my vision. All the way, Edward kept talking me through it. In took minutes for me to calm down, but even then I didn't release the grip I had on him. Carlisle was right: I did find so much comfort in Edward than I did in any other person.

Edward was just amazing.

"I don't know why you put up with me," I muttered, wiping my eyes on his shoulder. My voice still held that raspy, breathless note. "I mess everything over with your family, with your life. Why do you want me to stay?"

"Because Bella." I could feel his breath against my scalp. I was unfamiliar with the way my heart just seemed to beat faster, harder. "I love the way I feel when I'm with you, Bella. And I know I help you too, with this depression of yours, maybe put it on the backburner a bit?" He asked it a little helpfully. I nodded, bringing my hand up to my mouth and biting on my thumb. "See? I'm too good for you."

I sniffled. "But I'm not good for you," I pointed out weakly. "You help me a lot, Edward, and all I do is complicate things. I've ruined your life. When was the last time you went to a party like a normal teenager?" I challenged.

"Have you even been to a party?" he shot back.

Biting my thumb harder, I replied rather ticked, "You've made a point." As I started to sit back a bit, I froze. During my mini panic attack I had completely, and unconsciously, wound myself around Edward's body with my legs clamped around his waist. We pressed to ninety-nine percent of each other's body, and I could feel what it was doing to him.

I tried not to shift, for his sake and my own embarrassment.

"I think I want a nap," I said slowly.

"Of course." His hand ran over my hair and down my back before he gently slid me off of him. "I'll see you later than. Have a good rest," he smirked.

I slowly nodded. "Thanks Edward. For everything," I added.

"No, Bella, thank you," he said seriously, hand on the doorknob. "So does this mean that you will go to the therapist?"

"I'll try it," I told him. He smiled crookedly, nodding once as he closed the door behind him. Edward's sincerity was endearing. I wondered how long that would last.

After a few seconds of sitting there and soaking up everything I'd just heard, I wandered into Edward's bathroom. Just as I'd expected. A razor sat in the shower, just calling for me to take apart and cut.

**This isn't a cliffy, guys. **

**As always, review.**

**Love, Glitter.**


	25. Dr Marcus

**I swore it was no cliffy. Remember that Bella is depressed, but she is trying to get better. Though there is NO quitting cold turkey for her. :( Oh, and I also apologize for the emotional, whiny Bella here. Its not too bad though, I've seen worse.**

_Perfection is a struggle for anyone,  
With tears that fall,  
And the love of a life lost,  
With pain and misfortune  
We loss sight of what matters most,  
To the people that care,  
Even to the ones that don't._

BPOV  
I don't know how Carlisle did it; I guess he had some very developed connections. The next day I had my appointment, and I wondered if it was pre-planned. I slept in Edward's bed that night and when I woke up, he wasn't there. The shower was running in his bathroom, and after a few minutes he emerged fully clothed. When he saw me awake he told me about the appointment.

It was not a good start to my morning.

My mind and body were still swimming in that aftershock of blood-withdrawal. The relief was gone but I still felt that weight of bliss. The high of endangering my own life – it still surfaced somewhere. My arm started to tingle. I made a decent cut yesterday, deep enough to draw that crimson blood and make me feel hard pain.

Carlisle called this visit an "introduction." No psychological questions asked. He said it would be easy, that I would hardly need to do anything. Edward said he would go with me, which I agreed to immediately.

After my cut I had wrapped my arm in some gauze under the sink and wore a sweatshirt to bed. In the morning, after delivering the news, Edward left me alone and said he would be waiting downstairs. I changed the bandages like I saw him do so much lately and went to my room to get dressed. I slipped on a pair of dark jeans and a hugely oversized black sweatshirt with "Florida" written across the chest. I layered on the concealer over my face, neck and hands, making the numerous cuts and scars.

Esme embraced me before I even made it to the bottom steps. "Good luck, honey," she whispered in my ear. I stared over her shoulder, distantly locking eyes with Edward.

"Thank you, Esme," I murmured.

She squeezed me tighter. "I love you."

For a few moments I just stood there, numb and surprised. "I love you too," I said above a whispered. Edward cocked his head to the side but said nothing.

"Bye Mom," Edward said when Esme released me. He stepped forward to catch me under his arm and pull me toward the door. Outside, it was a downpour. My arms wrapped around my torso as he escorted me to the car, closing the door behind me. Esme stood at the door but I couldn't read her expression through the sheet of rain.

I think everyone was still sleeping when we left – typical teenage behaviour. I was almost ready to drift off too as I reclined my seat; the rain created a curtain of dimness separating us from the sun.

"Edward?" I asked, turning my head to look at him.

"Hmm?"

"How much do they all know? Like...they don't know about my baby, right?" I asked.

He sighed. "Everyone knows your depressed and that you used to cut and do drugs. But Carlisle knows there's more. They don't know about what James did either, but I think Esme expects something's wrong, like a tragedy that happened when you were little." He shrugged. "But...I hope you don't get mad at me for this, I told her that you had a horrible experience with families and men... But I didn't tell her about the...the..." His voice trailed off, mild disgust in his voice.

"The rapes?" I offered icily. If anything, he should have been able to say it clearer than I could. "Gabe?"

"Yeah. Those," Edward replied gravely. He cracked his window and reached over to the console in front of me, opening it and produced a pack of cigarettes. Still watching the road, he shook one out and offered me one. I deliberated for a moment before taking one.

I cracked my window slightly as Edward lit it with a _P__Bic_ lighter, a few sprinkles of water getting on my sweater.. The smoke felt good even though it brought back many memories when I was still in Florida. I couldn't do the drugs anymore – and not only because I had none – but because I knew it had to stop. With the cutting I had just as much a good chance of dying as I did with drugs; better not double the chances.

Edward drove to what seemed like the other side of Forks and down a road that looked like the exact one that led to the Cullen's house. He drove for a few moments before he started slowing to pull into a space between two closely-packed trees.

"What's with everyone living in the forest?" I asked, shaking out another cigarette and lighting it.

Edward glanced over at me. "You shouldn't smoke so much – you never know how it will react with your meds."

"It won't do a thing," I muttered. "But you never answered my question."

"Dr. Marcus has a thing for the big, and it could never fit in Forks. Just wait and see." I watched as we continued down the drive, the trees stretching overhead and keeping the rain out. The green was bright, from all the rain Forks gets, I guess, and it looked like something from a fantasy.

Just perfect.

Than the house came into view, first filling the entire space from the tree on the right to the one on the left. As Edward drove closer the house continued to expand out until it was a large rectangle with a huge staircase beside it. It looked like two rectangles stacked on top of each other with the top shape having floor to ceiling windows. It was completely white and looked every part fantasy the forest did.

But not only was it stunning and so therapist-unworthy, but it was also intimidating. I was never good at reading people but I could tell that this house just screamed "serious". I finished my cigarette and tossed it out the window, pushing my hair in front of my shoulders and adjusting my sweater.

"Bella, you'll be fine," Edward said for what had to be the millionth time. "He'll just get to know you, and he won't press you about something if you don't want to talk about it."

"But Edward, the point is for me to talk. So they can dig into my brain. So Carlisle can know that..." I drifted.

"Its confidential."

"As if," I replied icily. "Nothing's ever confidential. You can never keep a secret from anyone."

"Ah, but you have been keeping many from my family for months," Edward contradicted, grabbing my right hand comfortingly. I gently pulled my hand away, intending not to hurt his feelings but I didn't want him to see the bandage. He would freak. "Is everything okay, Bella?" he asked suspiciously, looking down at where my left hand was over my right forearm. "Do your cuts hurt?"

I hesitated for a second before stuttering out, "Uh, yes, it's a little painful."

"Can I see them? They're still open and could be infected." Edward reached forward but I quickly leaned away, again stuttering out that it was fine. That I was fine. He glanced up at the house for a second. "Please, could you roll up your sleeve for me to see?" he asked gently, giving me a small smile.

In my time of trusting Edward, I'd fallen victim for that smile – it helped contribute to agree to whatever he said. But this time I knew I had to keep my mouth shut. "No its okay. Its not bleeding," I mumbled, hand on the door. A part of me was a little embarrassed for keeping this therapist waiting so long, but I couldn't bring myself to fully care; I would do anything to get out of it.

The look on his face was scary. He didn't gain X-ray vision over night, did he? "Isabella, lift your sleeve now." It wasn't a question – a hard, angry command, actually.

I felt my face redden, in both rage and embarrassment of my weakness. I figured he would find it eventually, but after a few weeks at least when he couldn't still be angry about it. I looked up and met his eyes with my own glare, as I rolled up my sleeve to reveal the bandage. His eyes fell on it for a few seconds with an unreadable expression before he looked up, eyebrow raised.

Slowly, as I peeled back the bandage by the tape, watching as his eyes widened and recognition dawned on him.

"Bella, why?" Edward asked brokenly, leaning back in his seat and rubbing his hands over his face.

I realized that I wasn't the only one, now, being affected by the cutting. "I...I was in pain, Edward."

"Then you should have told me!" he snapped, sitting up and leaning forward in one fluid motion. We were almost face to face. "We could have prevented this if you would have told me instead of going ahead and slitting your wrist like some emo freak that needs attention!"

Whether it was his words or the fact that I was feeling betrayed by the person I've trusted the most in my life, I didn't know. But his words instantly filled my eyes with water. Didn't he understand me by now? "You...you think I do this for attention?" I asked in a weak voice. As he opened his mouth to respond, I reached over and slapped him across the face.

His neck snapped to the left, hitting his face off the headrest. Edward's eyes still burned with anger, the fury making my heart ache. He would never hit me. Never. Edward's wasn't that type of man – he had more respect than that. But still, I was terrified.

Except that didn't stop me from running my mouth.

"I don't do this for attention, Edward, I do this because I have no other way to get the pain out. I have so much inside me that I don't know what to do with it. Its like my veins are so hard, filled up with pain and the only thing to do is release it. I don't know what else to do, because I've been doing this for years!"

Before he could respond, I jumped out of the car, slamming the door behind me. Ignoring his yelling I went up the huge case of stairs to the glass door. I knocked on the glass door as I watched Edward walking fast toward the stairs. I wiped my sweater-clad hands under my eyes, trying to spare the therapist of seeing me at my worst on the first day.

Just as Edward reached the top step and started eating into me, a tall man came to the door. I vaguely heard that Edward had stopped running his mouth and was greeting the man. He was quite handsome, in the older-man-Gerald-Butler way, with dark skin and hair to match. His eyes were a dazzling kind of blue, entrancing all the same. At the same time of finding him attractive, I took a step back and ran into Edward. It was the way he was built, the look in his eyes of friendliness, that sent me into alarm.

I felt that familiar wave of uneasiness. I had been so ready to tell Edward to leave and come back later, but now I wanted to hold onto him and never let go, forgetting completely about everything he said to me. I was already terrified of this man.

"Dr. Marcus, this is Bella," Edward said gently, and so quiet that I wondered if I only heard it in my head. He nudged me forward slightly as Dr. Marcus held out his hand.

But all I could think I was: _He looked like Vincent_. The body type – so bitterly familiar – and the eyes. It felt like looking into the past, remembering countless nights of terror and pain. And worst of all, it brought back the images of my baby.

I shook my head at his hand and stepped back so I was behind Edward, resting my cheek against his back, leaving wet streaks down his jacket. Edward led me forward wordlessly, saying something that sounded like "give us a moment." I felt him try to pry me away from his back, but I won't let go.

"Bella, we're alone," Edward said, trying to turn to face me. I finally let him and he sat me on the couch. "Its okay, why are you crying?" His hands were on my face, feeling the tears as they fell.

"He looks like him," I gasped out. "Like..._him_."

His rubbed his face, sitting closer and pulling me to him. I fell into his embrace, forgetting the words he said to me before that were like daggers into my heart. "Its not him," Edward said after a few moments. "Its okay, he's not going to hurt you. I promise I won't leave, okay?" I nodded slowly, wiping my eyes.

I laughed once. "I'm so pathetic, I don't know why you put up with me," I admitted, drying my face on my sleeve.

"Because you're my sister, Bella," he replied, arm over the back of my shoulders. I leaned into him, wondering why I felt disappointed when he said that. _Sister._ Brother and sister. Why did I feel like I'd been under a different impression?

It took a few moments for me to calm down completely. If there was something else for me to stress over, I would fall into a panic attack. When I could breathe again and I felt somewhat rational, Edward gave a quick apology for what he said before, swearing he would repay me for the words. We had a more formal meeting with the therapist, and he didn't seem even the slightest unsettled by my reaction.

"I'm sorry for what happened back there," I stuttered, fidgeting with the cuffs of my sleeves. "It was just a moment." _That happens quite often._

"Don't apologize," Dr. Marcus said, holding up his hands. "I've seen it all before and worse." I shuddered, but didn't believe a single word. What could be worse than me entire life? "So, Bella, would you be okay to talk to me out here? Or do you want to go somewhere private?"

Another shudder ripped through me at the thought of being in a "private" room with him. I clutched Edward's hand tighter and this didn't go unnoticed. "No."

"All right, that's fine," he agreed, crossing his legs in the leather chair he sat in. "May we talk a little, Bella? Are you ready to?" I nodded slowly. "Well, first of all, nothing you tell me will leave this room." He put his hand on his chest. "I won't tell anyone anything you told me without your permission, however, if I think you are at risk of endangering yourself or other people, I will have to notify someone about that." I nodded slowly, looking at floor. "So, can I asked you a few questions just to get to know you?"

"Sure," I squeaked. Edward's hand squeezed mine.

"You lived in Florida previously, didn't you?" I nodded at him. "Who did you live with in Florida?" Dr. Marcus was doing that thing where he clasped his hands in front of him with his elbows on the armrests. Something that seemed to be such a trademark for therapists.

"I...was tossed around from family to family," I mumbled.

"I'm sorry, could you speak louder?" He leaned forward.

Edward cleared his throat. "Bella was switched from family to family because her parents died when she was little," he said smoothly. "She doesn't really like talking..."

"Bella, anything you say is confidential, no one is going to know anything you say. You can tell me anything and I will listen, but I'm not about to pressure you to talk if you don't want to. I just want to get to know you before we get deeper into your mind." He turned to Edward. "Maybe you should leave for a bit, Edward, and she'll feel more comfortable."

"No!" I objected, my eyes widening at the thought of being alone with this man.

"I already know everything," Edward said gravely. "Its all very colourful – your really in for it, Marcus."

Dr. Marcus smiled. "I'm only here to help. Its all I want to do."

He asked a few more questions, prying too far into the past, and I couldn't respond. Not this soon. Its took me too long to trust Edward and I couldn't just open up to this man that resembled the one person that ruined my life in the drop of a hat. I didn't respond to what he asked, only staring and shrugging. At a point I wanted to blurt out that I have been raped almost all my life, that I did drugs and cut, that I have a son somewhere, but I knew that would get me in trouble with the authorities. I didn't want people involved. I refused.

Dr. Marcus settled on asking about my life in a blander sense. What I did on weekends, how school was going, what my hobbies are, what music I listen to. I gave the bleak answers which were all quite similar: Nothing. If word got to Carlisle, I think he would be disappointed for my not trying harder. But what was I going to do? There were so many things I could not say because word could get out about the rapes, and slowly everyone would knew everything. Police would be involved, searches would be conducted, trials would start.

Too much.

"Bella, would you be okay with coming back next week?" Dr. Marcus asked gently.

I looked up, wiping my eye, feeling exhaustion. "Sure. I guess."

He and Edward made an appointment that would fit with Edward's schedule of school before we finally got to leave. I shook Marcus's hand quickly, stepping away after; Edward thanked him as he led me out to the car. I felt horrible.

Memories were cursing through, but I refused to cry over them. I'd cried enough already that I just didn't want to touch on that nerve anymore. Edward stopped with his hand on my door, the other arm around my shoulders.

"You could have tried a little harder," he commented. I nodded sadly, looking down at the ground, but Edward's hand captured my chin and tilted my face up.

He leaned forward and my heart stopped the second his lips pressed to my forehead. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath as I savoured the feel, that was over too soon for my liking.

"Bella?" I looked up at him, perplexed. "I want to tell you something, okay? Please don't get mad, because I get it. I already get it." He took a deep breath, glancing at the house for a second before opening the door. "Here, get in."

I slid in the seat as he went around to the driver's side. Glancing at the clock I realized we had been away for about two hours, and my stomach was growling. Edward looked at me as soon as we were in the confines of the of the vehicle. Why was he looking at me like that? I immediately started thinking the worst.

"Bella, I..." He looked away for a second. Was he really blushing? Seeing the red flush made my own face heat. "I like you," he finally said in a voice that sounded relieved.

"I like you too, Edward," I said, even more confused now.

"No," he laughed. "Bella, I mean I _really_ like you."

**This was a shorty bitch to write. It felt somewhat right to leave out the whole question-and-answer with Marcus, so don't hate! =) Okay, please review so I will update again soon. Please, babies? I need some hardcore love here!**

**Love, Glitter**


	26. I Really Like You

**Mmm, what's Bella gonna say to **_**that?**_

**In this chapter we are going to see some of Bella's past in a very non-graphic way, I promise. So be ready.**

**And on the side, I wanted you all to know to bear with me through update lengths and time frame. I have a viral illness right now and I'm like a fucking cripple that can't eat ANYTHING. So I'm living on orange Gatorade. **

**The above paragraph was posted two weeks ago but I'm keeping it up so y'all know what's been taking so long. **

BPOV

_"Bella, I mean I _really _like you."_

My body felt numb in a way I'd never experienced before, and in a way I was terrified of. "What do you mean, Edward?" I asked cautiously.

"Damn it, Bella!" He exhaled, leaning back in the driver's seat. "It means that I'm this close from loving you in a very un-brother-sister sense!" He positioned his hands a few inches apart.

I sat back in the car and glanced out the window as he started the car. Was he mad that I didn't say the same thing back? I couldn't anyway – I didn't know what I was saying. It was so scary, though, what he'd said. I couldn't remember if my – if Renee or Charlie told me they loved me because it was so long ago, but the only other person who told me "I love you" was Vincent.

On the outside, it was rape and abuse. But on the inside...it was some kind of destroyed love-affection he had for me. Through the hits, the punches, the raping and the pregnancies, he'd always showed like he cared about me. Its not like I was never without food or water or a place to sleep. Its like I was almost his girlfriend. Yeah it is a sick thought, but without him I would have never had my beloved baby.

Thoughts of Gabe were bitter. I remembered him vividly and knowing he was so far away, out of my reach, made me want to shoot up again. And maybe cut enough that I lost enough blood to create a curtain between my bubble and reality.

"Edward," I mumbled, watching my hands as I wrung them in front of me. He gave me a sound that said he was listening. "I want to cut again."

"What?" he snapped, taking his eyes off the road for a second.

"You wanted me to tell you when I have the urge." Somehow my voice wouldn't rise above a whisper. "I'm telling you now."

He was dazed for a second before shaking his head and mumbling, "Okay. What...what do you want to do?"

I bit my lip. "I...I just want to relax. I'm really upset right now," I told him as he pulled into the driveway.

"Bella, do you want to talk about it?" Edward asked slowly. "I know you didn't like talking to Marcus but I know it does good to get that kind of shit out. I'll listen if you want to."

I nodded slowly and told him I was thinking about Gabe and Vincent; he grabbed my hand but said nothing, which I was grateful for. I didn't know how well I would take his sympathy. It was like a sickness that I had inside me that I'd brought on myself and there was no way I should receive any sympathy. I didn't want to feel people's pity for me.

This was all brought on me for a reason and I could take the fact that I had to deal with it. It was so much easier to cope when I remembered the product of all those long months.

When we got back to the house, everyone but Emmett and Rosalie were gone, and I felt some kind of relief knowing I wouldn't have to answer questions. I didn't want another interrogation. This kind of thing ruined me. Broke me down. It was so prying...

I think I take too much comfort in warm baths and even more comfort in taking warm baths _while_ talking to Edward. Once I was safely submerged in warm bubbling water, Edward closed the bathroom door and sat on the floor beside me head, making us mere feet apart. There were a few moments of silence when I finally launched into the story of the day I found out I was pregnant with Gabe. Edward looked at me with shock and surprise, which soon melted to a blank expression; his green eyes filled with some emotion I didn't understand.

"Vincent went out, I don't even know where but he said he would be awhile. He always locked the door after him even though I could still get out; I think he knew that even I didn't want to go anywhere." I realized what I'd just admitted when I saw the look on Edward's face. "Well, not like _that_. I just...had nowhere to go, and even if I could prove it to police, I just knew there was no room for escaping. Even to this day, I remember that day perfectly – it was sunny. Really sunny, like the perfect whether for the perfect news.

"I started the laundry for the day, mostly doing his clothes and bed sheets. I always came second – I had to focus on him if I wanted my body to have a chance to live past twenty. I guess...I wanted to live, that's why I worked so hard to give him a baby. I tried to do everything right because I wanted to leave once I was eighteen and continue with my life." I paused to take a deep breath.

"I was very young, quite naive, but no stupid. I thought that if I gave Vincent the baby that he wanted to badly, he would lay off for a bit, so much as that when I would turn eighteen, I could leave him and whatever child of mine he accumulated. That...that wasn't the case." A single tear finally fell to mix in with the water. "Anyway, I was cleaning the bathroom because it was...er, dirty when I..." Past that brother-sister level I'd assumed we were on before and on with the more complex stage, it was probably best to dodge some of the truth.

"Yes?" Edward pressed after a few moments, his fingers stroking the bandage on the my arm that rested on the edge of the tub.

"I, uh, cleaned the mess." The struggle was obvious, of course he caught on.

He sighed. "If your worried about sparing me visual images, don't. I can take it and I want to know. Even the gruesome parts, okay?"

I meekly nodded. "The previous night he had...had sex with me on the bathroom floor and it wasn't gentle—"

"You mean he raped you," Edward interrupted firmly. Like there was no discussion over this. I gave him a crazed, confused look, to which he responded with: "'Sex' gives the idea of a consensual act between two people. What he did to you is rape, Bella, and you know it. Call it like it is."

After a few seconds I silence, I decided to let his comment go. He was angry, pained for me, I reasoned with myself. There was no reason to get myself riled up about it because I had been expecting this.

"As I was saying, he hadn't been gentle in the slightest and I was bruised nearly head to toe. The bathroom had blood on the floor, that's what I was cleaning up. I was looking for some cleaner under the sink when I found a box of tampons and it was like some instinct just clicked. I bet if you were in the room you could just hear the _ding_ that went off. I just knew before even checking that I was pregnant. After a solid three weeks from the day my period would be done, he would make me take a pregnancy test almost every other day and when we closed in on a month of over, sometimes it was morning and evening.

"I was always so eager to give him the baby he wanted for my own health, but Edward, when I took that pregnancy test, the last one in the cupboard, I just knew this was the one. I don't know what it was, but when I got the positive sign, I instantly said 'this is it'. I just didn't think it would ever end up this way.

"Naturally, I had to bury the test in the backyard deep into the ground so he wouldn't find it. I probably would have gotten a hell of a beating for not calling him to tell him m theory first. So when he got back to the house, I casually mentioned that I was getting very bad cramps and that my next cycle had to be close... The rest just fell into place."

The smile couldn't be wiped off my face. Even from day one I knew my baby would be perfect.

"How did you know for sure? Pregnancy tests are always wrong, a gut feeling couldn't have made you decide."

"Vincent kept this big calendar in the kitchen to mark me down day by day," I mumbled, embarrassment warming my cheeks.

There was more silence and I wanted nothing more than to know where Edward's head was. I continued to reminisce on the beginning of the pregnancy, where I did everything perfectly, carefully, counting the weeks that Gabe survived longer than the rest. When my stomach continued to grow to accommodate the space my little angel needed to move. I remembered the first time I felt him kick.

In was a Thursday night, Law and Order: SVU was on and Vincent was dealing drugs in the next room. I was so used to it that I never noticed a difference. It was coming close to the climax in the episode where they were confronting the murderer/rapist when I felt a jolt. I confused the feeling immediately with a sickness and was about to get up when I felt it again. But it felt more distinctive this time, kind of with a bit of a tickle. I lifted up my shirt to see my stomach and saw the right side move in time with the thumping tickle sensation.

It was like a onetime thing because he didn't kick for a week after that. He was one special kid.

"Tell me about him," Edward suggested. "Gabe, I mean."

I smiled slightly. "I don't really know what to say..." I paused in thought before finding the perfect description for my baby. "He saved me," I told Edward, still all-smiles. "Gabe saved me from so much abuse from Vincent because he was needy, pretty much needed attention all most every second of the day. It put a lot more stress on me but it also made me safer from Vincent because I always had something to do, and I think deep down – and right now I really hope – that he loves Gabe. He wouldn't hurt him."

A flash of doubt was in Edward's eyes for a second, but I decided against bringing it up. He wasn't there, he had no idea what how Vincent acted with Gabe.

I continued: "Gabe never slept when he wasn't in someone's arms, so that was my excuse for being busy. He was such a happy baby," I said dreamily. "You know, I have this visual image of him in my mind now. I think it helps mend that hole a little for the most part. I think he looks like me; when he was baby he looked like me too."

"I bet he's adorable," Edward murmured thoughtfully.

His eyes were on me and under the weight of them, and the obvious compliment, my cheeks flushed. "I think so too," I whispered back. behind my eyelids I always saw this beautiful like boy – not a baby, a little boy, maybe two or three. He had my brown eyes and hair almost the shade of mine but darker; Vincent's color. His chubby cheeks would be flushed with a huge smile on his face.

Edward's head was leaning against the edge of the tub and his were closed, looking on the brink of sleep. I leaned down and rested my cheek against the top of his head, breathing in the smell of his hair. Did he wear some kind of cologne? I shifted so the left side of my face was resting against his silky hair, my breasts pressed against the side of the tub with both my hands in his hair, feeling the strands between them.

He let out a sigh and after a small wave of worry, that I may have gone too far, I realized it was one of contentment.

"Bella, can I ask you something?"

"Uh, sure," I said quietly, not breaking the haze that was clearly between the two of us.

His voice wasn't prying but it was colored in curiosity. "Do you think Gabe's okay? Right at this second?"

My hands froze in his hair for a second before I continued combing through. "I think he's alive," I said carefully. "He's strong in the least, he survived being inside my body with the abuse on the outside. I know Gabe is alive and that he's waiting for me."

"But do you think he's _okay_?" Edward clarified.

I bit my lip. "He needs me, Edward. I know that."

Realizing that was all the answer he was getting, Edward didn't press again. I felt like I could feel his brain moving in thought against my cheek. What did he really think of all this? Did he think I was a crazy, depressed, tinted little scared girl with a long lost baby boy? Of course he does, my brain rationed, because that's what I am.

"I never answered you," I blurted out in shock. Crap, I'd practically shrugged him off.

He looked up, confused. "What?"

"Earlier, after the whole therapy thing," I said awkwardly, looking at the tiles on the floor. Well, weren't they pretty... "I...I'm sorry," I apologized quietly.

"Doesn't matter," Edward murmured, his voice amused. What's so funny? I wondered. "What more should I expect? I wasn't even going to bring it up." I couldn't believe I saw him wringing his hands, was he really nervous? "The rejection was bad enough."

I pulled away from him, confused. "Sense when did I reject you? I didn't even respond."

"Rejection!" He made the gesture of slamming his fist down on a table and with the finality in his voice, I realized what he was referring to.

"Listen, Judge Edward. I didn't reject you because I didn't even say anything, okay? I just need to think."

There was a pause before he answered. "But Bella, I've kissed you more than once!" Was that a whine?

I sighed, feeling an awkward tension between us. Did it really matter if we'd already kissed? Edward liked me, contradicted the brother-sister relationship we had, and despite the confusion on where we stood, I didn't know how I felt. Did I like _like_ him too? I knew the answer. "Edward, your delusional with your feelings."

He gave an annoyed sigh. "I know I really, really like you. Everything about you. Your vulnerable and need someone to lean on, no matter how hard you try to deny it. You want me just like I want you."

Where was this coming from? "I may need someone, Edward, but I don't want to impose on someone who already has their life in order. Someone who knows what they want and can have some big, happy, all-American family." I frowned, wondering how I practically described Edward.

Edward also had a perplexed look on his face. "So you don't want someone who cares about you, has and would protect until the day either one dies? You don't want someone that you know would take care of you, give you everything you need or want? I know your lying, Bella, every girl wants that."

Inside, I knew he was right; that was exactly what I wanted. To be taken care of by a caring man, but I still stood beside my own words; I wasn't about to bring some happy, great man into my life so he could be dumped with problem after problem, with my depression. It wasn't fair to anyone, to just drop that on them so they could deal with it. "Edward, I think what I need is some tortured emo artist." I was only half joking.

"Give me a break, Bella," he rolled his eyes. "Admit it. Please. You do want me."

I sighed, pulling away and sitting on the other end of the bathtub. "Why are you pressuring me into liking you?"

Edward sighed to, positioning himself so he leaned over the bath slightly, staring at me with such intensity that I had to look away. "I'm not pressuring because you do like me, deep down, you do. You have strong feelings just like I do. And Bella," he waited until I finally looked at him, confused by his silence, "I'm tired of keeping it a secret."

"I don't believe that," I whispered, undecided. But I did have feelings for him when I knew I shouldn't. I felt things I shouldn't have. I trusted him in scary ways, and yet, I still felt scared that he would one day hurt me. Hurt me in the worst way that would rip us apart and just...plunge me back into darkness.

"Can't you take a chance?" Edward demanded, his voice edging into annoyance and frustration. "I'm not like _him_ and I'd never consider hurting you. I don't want to keep thinking about you when you don't even acknowledge the fact that I have feelings for you that are going to make it very hard to live in the same house as you if you ignore me." I watched his mouth as it moved with his ramble, feeling more waves of indecision.

After I was back in the foster home and away from Vincent and Gabe, I decided that at that moment, from that point on, I would have a lonely life. It wasn't even like it was my choice because I knew no one would want me. Not in the sense of being taken into a family, but in the sense of being in love. Who would really want a girl with the baggage of a tortured past, the knowledge she's been raped and this _darkness_ she can't seem to shake? It had to be too much for any guy to want to stick around.

"Listen Bella." I refocused on his face and just barely saw this weird emotion in his eyes. Somehow it made me nervous. "I get that your worried and scared that something is going to go wrong with us, but it won't. I'm not going to just let you go, Bella."

"Which means you won't stop pestering me until I agree to...uh..." What was I agreeing to again? I wondered.

"To go out with me," Edward supplied, amused. "Agree to go out with me."

I didn't know how to explain this to him without hurting his feelings really bad. "You listen to me, Edward," I said slowly, "the whole idea of, uh, going out with, er, you, doesn't...really feel right."

He grinned like he expected this, and I narrowed my eyes at him. "But do you have feelings for me, Bella?" he asked calmly, the smile widening like he thought of something funny. I opened my mouth but I didn't know what I was about to say; was I going to decline him? Say "no"? He saw my falter. "That's what I thought," Edward agreed, standing up and starting for the door.

"Uh, what just happened?" I asked, confused. "I didn't say anything."

"No, but your eyes did, Bella." The grin on his face was huge, and it made me have this urge to hit him even though I knew he was right.

**I just **_**haddddd**_** to end it like that. I think it was some kind of impulse. Anyway, please review and tell me what you thought and answer this: **

_**Do you think Bella should give Edward a chance or not even go there? **_

**Remember, your opinion does matter so please answer :) And on the side, please check out my other stories...I think I recommend Responsibilities ;) LOL**

**LOVE Glitter**


	27. Bonfire

**Let's see who I am mentioning now... Well, I think **–xXx 'M' NaMeS RoCk xXx- **was completely hyped up on sugar or something because all those capitals and short words made me ROFL. **Edward4ever1000 **reviewed just as always and made me smile. Hell, all of you made me smile. You always do because your all fucking great. **

**Okay, I've heard through the past few dozen of chapters that I don't spare you all much of the darkness and Bella with her shitty mood. I get it, sometimes its sad. But I feel the need to say this: there will be a happy ever after. No matter what happens there will be happy ever after for Bella, but I'm not saying what that may include...**

BPOV

A few weeks back, Edward had given me this book – "Finnegan's Wake" by James Joyce. He said that it would make me smile in the least and then dropped that it was the most difficult novel in history to read. I hadn't blinked in its direction once sense he'd set it on my bedside table, but now seemed like the best time as ever to start it. Curling up on my bed in jeans and a sweater – coincidently the one I'd been wearing when I went into labour with Gabe – and picked up the book. What could make this book nearly impossible to read?

After studying the delicate red and maroon swirls on the cover, I flipped to the first page and immediately frowned. I instantly felt confused. Did he rip out a page or something? I flipped around, shaking the book for any loose pages he may have hidden for a joke, but no. There was nothing. And then it snapped. This was what he meant by impossible to read.

The first line started half way through a sentence, which made it impossible for me understand this. I hopped off the bed, book in hand, and headed downstairs to where Edward was watching TV, Emmett sitting beside him.

"Hey, Bella-baby!" Emmett sang. I raised my eyebrows at the high-pitched squeal that just assaulted my ears.

"Um, ow." I rubbed my ear dramatically.

"He's going through a Brittney Spears phase." Edward looked down at what I was holding as I sat beside him and an instant smile spread across his face, while I realized how awkward I was feeling being near him after everything he said. He didn't seem to notice nor feel the same thing.

I held it up in front of his face. "What did you do to it?" I demanded.

He looked shocked before it faded to amusement as he laughed. At me. "I—I didn't do anything to it, Bella," he smirked. "How far have you gotten."

"To the first word."

Emmett snorted, and I quirked an eyebrow at him. "Give me a break, Bella," he chuckled. "Even I read that book and I got it, of course you can read it and understand it." This time, it was Edward's turn to snort. "What's wrong with you?" Emmett demanded. "Got a beef with me man?"

"Idiot," I muttered. "I'm pretty sure the snort was directed at me."

Edward shook his head. "Nope, all for Emmett. He didn't get it, actually, Bella. He read it in two months and then had me explain it to him word for word. I bought another copy and we went through the first ten pages, before I settled for purchasing a book to understand 'Finnegan's Wake.'"

I wrinkled my nose as I opened it to the first page and held it in front of his face. "Are you sure you didn't rip out a page or bleach some words out for your own amusement."

"No," he laughed. I narrowed my eyes. "Its called comic fiction for a reason, Bella. It was written to amuse readers, that's way it reads that way."

"Its messed up."

"Its impossible to read," Emmett added.

I sat back to read again while the boys went back to the TV, but I didn't really see the words as I couldn't stop thinking about our conversation. When did _I_ get so conversational? And sense when could I talk like this to Emmett, teasing and whatnot? I don't even remember getting comfortable talking so causally like this to Edward! What happened to the girl that responded with "yes" or "no"?

Maybe it just so happened that our conversation earlier took some unknown effect on me. He had blatantly said, while keeping eye contact, _you want me_, and if that didn't make any other possible embarrassing things I could do less drastic, I don't know what could.

I thought Edward just made things awkward, when maybe they're just more open now. Just the thought creeped me out.

"Hey, Bells, you comin' to the bonfire tonight?" Emmett asked during a commercial break. I smiled at the page of jumbled sentences at the nickname that everyone seemed to pick up.

Without looking up, I replied with: "I didn't know there was one."

"Yeppers, out back. You coming or will you have yourself holed up Edward's room with the book?" This almost brought a smile of excitement – also a new change – at the idea of being back in Edward's room; a place of comfort and Zen. But it also brought a shameful blush to my face, heating me up like the sun. Emmett burst out laughing, which gave me the bitter knowledge that he didn't miss this little change.

"Why's my sissy blushing?" He almost shouted it in his haste of chuckles. It only fuelled the fight under my skin. All the heat was making me forget what was so embarrassing in the first place. "Come on, Bella, spill! Edward? How 'bout you? What you guys been doin' up there?"

"First of all, Emmett," I said hastily, "turn off the gangster. It would help a hell of a lot."

His eyes widened and brought a smile with them. "Dang, Edward, when did Bella get so talkative?" I suppose I wasn't the only one that noticed.  
"Why are you asking me?" Edward demanded, shocked, with his eyes wide and eyebrows raised. He looked attentively innocent. "Ask her yourself!"

Emmett turned to me with a carefully placed perplexed look on his face, a look that could only be described as _therapist-etiquette_. "Bella, why are you so talkative?" I gave him a look that implied he was crazy, which he only grinned wider at.

In the beginning, I always believed that the entire Cullen family was going easy on me after the move and even before all this...mess started. Especially Emmett. I knew a guy as big as him and his flippant attitude had to equal some kind of good time in any teenager's book, but I never saw anything; I think he was mostly withheld his real attitude for fear of scaring me off, which I could understand because if you weren't eased into it, you would probably have a heart attack and a half the first time you hung out with Emmett. He meant well, but you never would have guessed it in the beginning.

Mostly if you were like me. Quiet, reserved, isolated, in mental and physical pain, depressed. When he just held all his insults and comments and jokes in for your sake, and then with a burst of your own comments, he lets loose the rest of him he's been waiting to.

Finally, I saw the real Emmett.

And despite how idiotic and joking he was, he cared. You could just tell. The same well you could tell there was a weird tension between Edward and I.

When he didn't get any real answers, Emmett settled for repeating his question. "So, you gonna come to the bonfire? Edward'll be there," he teased.

"Good for him," I said flippantly. "And yes, I will be." As if he was trying to add to my embarrassment, Emmett winked. The single movement made my cheeks flush.

After dinner the guys all headed outside to start the fire while Esme started to gather snacks together. When I offered to help, Alice grabbed my arm and pulled me upstairs, losing my protests at the bottom of the stairs. When we got to the top, she pushed me off in the direction of my room with firm instructions to change into something heavy and comfy. No need for the comfy part, I wanted to say but bit my tongue instead.

As I slipped on a heavy sweater over my jeans, I took a longing look where my blade was hidden. A small cut could go a long way but I didn't want to keep holding up everyone, so I pushed the thoughts away and started for the door. When I opened it, my eyes widened in surprise.

"Oh, I was just about to knock," Rosalie added quickly, seeing my shocked face. "I...I was wondering if you wanted to talk."

I shook my head quickly to clear the last bits of amazement away. "Oh, uh, sure. I, um..."

Rosalie smiled. _God, she's so beautiful_. "Actually, I was planning on doing all the talking, so." I moved to let her in and she strode gracefully through, straight to sit on the bed, her blue eyes surveying the room. I'd never really gotten such a good vibe from Rosalie before now. First Emmett and now her. What was next, Jasper? "This room is so gorgeous," she mused, her eyes falling on me. "Esme was so excited to have another child, she kind of outdid herself." I nodded in agreement, wondering what spurred this on.

My adoptive sister sighed, as if knowing my exact thoughts. "Look, Bella, I'm just going to be blunt very quickly, okay?" Goosebumps of fear spread over my skin, but I managed to nod. "I see this thing..." she waved her hand in front of her. "I see like this...its like a connection. You know how you can visibly see when two people connect?" I shrugged, nodding slightly. "Well, I see it too. Between you and Edward."

My eyes went wide and I felt a shiver this time. In my haste to avoid her eyes at all costs, I forgot to maintain control over my mouth. "N-no, there's nothing going on between us at all," I rushed out. "You can even ask Edward."

She laughed, forcing my eyes to look up at hers. "I'm sure he's be more willing to share his feeling then you." She shook her head. "But this isn't about that. Edward confided in me a few weeks back that...that you were raped before. A lot, too."

At that one word my insides just melted into mush while my heart sank to my stomach. "He...Edward told you?" I asked quietly.

"Please don't tell him I told you," Rosalie rushed, looking panicked. "I just thought that you and I can relate on some level here, and I feel like you need some sense knocked into you," she laughed half-heartedly. I gave her a dull, broken look, feeling the betrayal in every nerve of my body. "I know when James raped me"—there was no sound of sadness when she mentioned it—"I was dead to the world. I remember I used to starve myself too, I just felt used and useless now. I always thought that one day I could have happiness, but after that even, that it just wasn't in the cards for me and I would have—"

Interrupting Rosalie's story, there was a loud knock on the door. "Bella!" Alice called. "You ready?"

"I'm, uh, just changing," I said back. "I'll meet you outside."

"Sure thing," she replied nonchalantly before I heard heels clicking down steps. So much for comfy.

I turned back to Rosalie, who sighed in exasperation. "Look, I don't want to keep either of us or the family from the quality time and all, so I just want to make this quick. We can continue tomorrow, too, if you want," she added. "The one thing I remember after being robbed of my body was my lack of trust in people, or more so, men. I couldn't trust a man even if I knew him well enough. After James's doing, Emmett is the first man I've ever really trusted to take care of me, and he has never failed me once.

"Now, I'm not saying that if you start trusting someone that they won't do you wrong, but you will be so much happier. Trust me," she said softly. "This is all from experience. I can feel your wall, Bella, pressed firmly around you. You don't let anyone in, but that's also a good thing because you won't let anyone out. What I'm saying is trust. Trust everyone in this house because we're all family. I know your scared – I was once, too – but when you open up and start talking, let people in and trust enough to love, great things can happen."

I knew I had trust issues from the very beginning, when my parents left me alone so young, which were only enhanced after Vincent stripped me of my life. I never really realized though that I didn't trust men as much as women. Between my first and second suicide attempts I slowly started to trust Carlisle more and more, making him the first man I ever really did trust. Previous to those times I hardly trusted him enough to really allow it to be considered _trust_.

For me it was easier to trust Edward. He understood me in scary ways.

Rosalie broke into my thoughts, standing from the bed. "I know something's going on between you and Edward, and if it has any chance of getting serious, I just want to tell you to trust him. I know when I finally allowed myself to trust Emmett," she smiled dreamily, "I fell in love. Deep love, too, with the whole bright sunshine and purple bunnies and rainbows. And that one time," she said quietly, "when someone pushes you too far to your breaking point will just melt away. You'll never forget it, but you will get used to it."

"I'm already used to it," I replied without thinking. I bit my lip before more word vomit could roll off and avoided her face. "I...I mean that I can think about it now, without being...overwhelmed."

"Have you been talking to Edward about it?" If her tone had been prying, I would have snapped at her, except it was anything but. She had sympathy for me because we could relate on some level, the level that we had yet to explore together. Rosalie was sharing her story, it was only natural for her to be curious about mine.

I shrugged. "Not really." She gave me a sceptical look. "Okay, yes, I have talked to him about it. He's a really good listener," I added, laughing half-heartedly and embarrassed.

"Edward's a really good guy," she agreed, not quite in that complimenting him sort of way, but almost telling me. I nodded slowly. "Better than most. I know sometimes he tries to be really bold with that he says and all, but it never really works." She laughed. "He is so not a bold person."

"Definitely not," I said in agreement, wondering back to our _you want me_ conversation. He did seem really...bold then. I knew it wasn't him talking, it was his alter ego. Given that it was kind of amusing in an attractive way, but he wasn't meant to be a "bold" person. Suddenly I wondered if that was what he thought I liked to hear.

Rosalie left a few minutes later after adding in more examples of what trust can do to your life. Before I hadn't really realized how lacking in the trust area I was and how noticeable it had to be to others.

Peeking out the window at the end of the hallway, a small fire was settled in the middle of a circle of rocks. The sky wasn't dark yet so I could see everyone sitting around while Jasper and Edward were playing around with the fire. As I started to back away from the window I saw Rosalie walk out. That girl was full of surprises.

A part of me hoped that we could talk more tomorrow; I really did want to know her whole story.

I went to join everyone outside and apologized if I kept them waiting, but the only one that really noticed my absence was Edward. It did lessen the attention on me though, so I didn't mind much. The fire had grown much higher sense my view from the window and it felt too intimate for me to be sitting there.

Esme and Carlisle sat on a bench beside the pile of firewood, an array of drinks and snacks behind them, bodies so close that I think I was imposing by looking. Jasper and Alice had set out two lounge chairs, however, they were only using one. Jasper sat with Alice in between her legs and his arms around hers. The smile never left her face. Rosalie and Emmett had a slightly different approach to their PDA. A blanket was spread out on the opposite side of the fire from Esme and Carlisle, laying down with every limb intertwined, faces only inches. That was one party I knew I was intruding on.

Edward sat on another blanket away from everyone else but still close to the fire. The second I stepped into the circle around the fire, he gestured for me to join him. I also wanted to decline, but I didn't know where else to sit.

_Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale... Do not hyperventilate._

I had to remind myself of this. I've never felt this giddy around him before; again, what changed?

"Hey, what took so long?" he murmured, dangerously close to my ear. I felt myself tense under his gaze, _so_ close to him too...

"Oh, I, uh, was talking to Rosalie," I said nonchalantly, staring at the fire. I couldn't look at him; it was too intense. "Did I keep you waiting?" I asked teasingly, laughing slightly.

"Actually, you did, Bella," Edward agreed, laughing once. I bit my lip so hard that it numbed every other thought process I had. "I was so bored among the lovesick family."

I looked around at each of the couples, so absorbed in each other that I don't think they even noticed how close Edward and I sat. I've never seen people so absorbed in love like this that it almost made me sick. Not quite the sick-to-my-stomach thing but the why-can't-I-have-that? way. Rosalie said to learn to trust and open up – how could I do that? Of course the only real person I wanted to trust was Edward, but I didn't know how.

Not without turning into some obsessed girl.

"Yeah," I finally supplied on impulse. "Awkward, right?"

He nodded. "Yeah. My mom wants me to find someone," he added, glancing over at me. I looked down at my feet, tightening the laces of my sneakers as if they weren't tight enough. In fact, they were too tight. "Its getting a little persistent if you ask me. She even resorted to trying to set me up with Jessica Stanely." My eyes widened and I had to look at him.

Edward gauged my expression with still, vibrant green eyes, slowly raising his hand to brush his hair out of his face as if it would break the trance. His words stirred something in my stomach, and not vomit from the knowledge of Jessica and Edward together, but...warmth. Kind of a good and happy warmth. If Edward wanted me and Esme wanted Edward to find someone to love already, would she be okay if he settled for less?

If – and I mean the word _if_ very heavily – we ever were to get over all my issues, look past my pain and depression, and somehow, with magic, we got together, Edward would be burdening himself. He would have to deal with more crap than he should have to. It'd be like his job to take care of me. No man would want that.

He must have seen something in my eyes. "Bella, can I ask you something?" Edward asked carefully, breaking our eye contact to glace around at his – _our_ family. I made the same motion but much quicker and told him to continue. "Can I kiss you, Bella?"

I held my breath in my lungs, thinking that it could help me be rational. What did I just hear? I stared at him, speechless. A part of me wondered why he asked but knew he was just being careful with me.

"Um, what?" I blushed furiously, ducking my head to get away from his gaze. It only made my face heat more.

"Can I please kiss you, Bella?" he whispered.

**Because I am such a bitch, I had to leave it there. Hmm, I wonder if Bella will say yes...or will they get interrupted before that can happen. Hmm, hmm, hmmm. **

**Remember to review as always. If everyone who alerted this reviews it, this chapter would have 162 reviews. Just saying. I think if your waiting for a chapter on alert that you should review it when it comes, but that's just my reasoning. Whatever. **

**Love Glittery 3**


	28. Hey Everyone

Hey everyone, its Glitter. I fucking hate Author's Notes but I have a very good reason, I promise. This isn't happy AT ALL.

**Long story short, my mom pulled my laptop cord and ripped a piece out from the inside. Needless to say, my laptop has 30 percent battery, which isn't enough to write a decent chapter, so. I'm completely screwed with getting this repaired. So, fuck my life. **

**Um, nothing much else to say. Fuck. My. Life. **

**My laptop fell on the floor too and it needs major repair, so. I am so upset, in tears, I don't know when the next update will be. **

**With lots of love, Glitter. **

**P.S. Don't feel the need to comment/review. Only do so if you love me. :'S **


	29. Great News: REVIEW!

**Hi guys, its Glitter obviously. I'm just posting this to let you all know that I have a new laptop and it is the bomb, literally. And right now I'm listening to A Dark Congregation by The Hush Sound. Just thought I'd announce. LOL. Anyway, seriously I need some kind of review from you guys, because I have a chapter up for Three's a Family and Responsibilities, but I can't seem to make myself write the words I already have written down onto the computer. I'm serious. I have the next Three's a Family chapter sitting here, right beside me and Microsoft World open right beside this note. I **_**can't focus**_**. But I know I owe you guys SO MUCH. **

**I need you guys to boost my confidence here, and review something. Anything. Even a smiley face. Please something to lift my spirits about writing right now. **


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